In Space no one can hear you shriek like a child

There have been precisely three occasions when I have been known to shriek whilst using a computer or video-game console.

Incident #1: It's the summer of 1987. A pale-faced teenage David Court squints at the lines of a computer program on an old portable colour television as a shaft of sunlight dares to penetrate this fortress of solitude from the gap between thick curtains.  He's approaching the end of a marathon nine hour programming session and decides he needs a cup of tea. In an incredible demonstration of dexterity he manages to get his foot caught in the power cable and manages to both crash into the closed bedroom door and switch the ZX Spectrum+2 off. A shriek is heard, and a valuable lesson is learned. He never programs without saving regularly ever again.

Incident #2: It's very late on a summer evening in 1998. A pale-faced and long-haired headphone wearing David Court squints at the post-apocalyptic Raccoon city on a new portable colour television as he plays Resident Evil 2 on his relatively new Playstation. All seems quiet – too quiet, in hindsight - as he picks up the ROOK PLUG from a small room inside the Raccoon City Police Department.  A licker suddenly bursts out through the one way mirror inside this room, a shriek is heard and the  heart rate of David returns to normal roughly six hours later. He never plays a Resident Evil game late at night ever again.

Incident #3: It's early one morning in the Autumn of 2014. David Court is sitting way too close to his 40" telly and playing Alien Isolation. Ripley has spent the past five minutes hiding inside a closet and the motion detector isn't returning any signal. The alien can't be heard – through either the familiar sound of it stomping around searching in frustration for prey, or the echoing metallic clanging of it wandering around in the vents.  Ripley throws open the closet doors and it's standing there in the doorway having waited patiently for her to emerge. David gives a shriek just as the alien is on him at the same instant as Tara is walking into the living room with a cup of tea. She sniggers.

So, after nearly thirty hours of gameplay I've just finished the new game Alien: Isolation (developed by the British software team Creative Assembly and distributed by Sega).  I'd say how it's one of the best uses of the Aliens license in an age but if you've ever been unfortunate enough to either play or watch somebody else play Aliens: Colonial Marines (and I use the term "play" loosely) then you'll know that’s not exactly difficult.

Set 15 years after the events of the first Alien film, you play Amanda (the daughter of Ellen Ripley).  Having never watched the movie Alien or having read the tie-in comic or the novel by Alan Dean Foster, she's trying to find out what happened to her mother on board the ill-fated Commercial Towing Vessel "The Nostromo". She hears that the flight recorder of that self-same vessel has been located and is being held at a remote free port space station ("Sevastopol"), so Ripley Jnr. and her companions travel to the space station to find it damaged and communications dead and they space walk over to the station to investigate.

To say that there's an alien on board the space station is as much a spoiler warning as letting you know that the new Call of Duty game contains guns, killing and nine year old American children calling you a faggot. This game is even scarier than those nine year old children.

It's no secret I'm a huge fan of both Alien and Aliens.  Alien³ and Alien: Resurrection not so much, but at least Alien: Resurrection made Alien³ seem brilliant by comparison (Much as Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom suddenly stopped being the worst in the series when Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was released).

It's clear that the game was made by fans. It oozes atmosphere and everything about it feels spot on – from the worn-out and lived-in environments to the technology that looks modern but still has a definite seventies vibe.  Big clunky CRT monitors show green-screen displays, tape reels whirr on their spools and everything bleeps and flashes lights to remind you that it's still on.  Even the loading icon is a tape cassette.

The Sevastopol is a huge space station with three main towers and you'll often find yourself retracing your steps as newly discovered equipment opens avenues previously closed to you. You'll scavenge for equipment to construct makeshift pipe bombs, Molotov cocktails, noisemakers and medical kits and your movement through the station will be slow and terror-filled because of that bloody Alien.

Alien: Isolation is an outstanding "hiding in cupboards and hiding under tables" simulator. You'll become very familiar with certain walls of the space station as you stare at them from behind the narrow slots in a locker door as that hiss is heard.

This game has made the Alien scary again after ColonialMarines turned the acid-bleeding razor fanged and clawed xenomorphs into nothing but cannon fodder. It's smart and if it spots you you're dead. You can't outrun it and you can't hope to fight it – all you can do is avoid or distract it.  I've never known a game quite as terrifying – the sound design is exemplary and you're forever straining to listen for the tell-tale signs of its movements - either the creatures heavy feet stomping across the floor of the complex or the sound of a vent opening or the familiar hiss as it desperately searches for you.

The Alien isn't the only threat on the station – huddles of survivors and  SPOILER  will confront you as you make your way around the claustrophobic environments of the station. 

If I have any issues with it - and this a tiny gripe - it's that it drags on a little too long. This may feel like an odd complaint from somebody who regularly moans about the brevity of single player campaigns in games, but the endgame goes on for ages and also features my arch-nemesis of a quicktime event to conclude everything - but at least that's still infinitely better than a boss fight, eh?

So, Alien: Isolation. Buy it, play it, be as shit scared as I've been. It's a survival horror game done right.

Final report of the remote free space port Sevastopol, third officer reporting. The other members of the crew are dead. I should reach the corridor in about six weeks once I've summoned up the courage to come out of this locker.   This is Court, signing off.

Hang on, it looks relatively safe. I'm coming out n-

Games to watch out for in 2013

There has never been a better time to be a gamer (other than potentially during the summer of 1889 when the game of Tiddlywinks was patented in London). With new versions of the Playstation, XBox, Commodore +4, Dreamcast², Atari Jaguar and Nokia N-Gage all set to hit the shelves later this year, make sure you don't miss out on some of the biggest and most exciting games coming to consoles in 2013.

Kinect™ Nigel Farages Electile Disfunction 

"But the entire population of both those countries - let alone those of
working age - is less than 29 million"
"SHUT UP. I'M WINNING THIS LEVEL"

With the technological magic of Kinect™, step into the not-at-all-racist shoes of Nigel Farage for an exciting UKIP adventure!

Through voice commands and arm movements alone TWEAK the statistics on posters so they’re LOW enough to look vaguely plausible at first glance but HIGH enough to terrify large numbers of gullible people!

Using the wizardry of KINECT™ MIMIC the positions of UKIP candidates to make it look less like they're doing Nazi salutes - Perhaps they're imitating a pot plant, or congratulating a small child by patting them on the head. Maybe they're doing a hand-based impression of a manta ray or pointing towards something in the distance. Bonus points for the more ridiculous the explanation! Be sure you don't lose this level and have to suffer the "Claim that my facebook account was hacked" defence!

TAKE TO THE SKIES in the exciting UKIP Flight simulator! Display your slogans in mid-air over an unsuspecting public - but be careful that the ropes you use don't get caught in the tail of your aircraft.. or you'll be coming down to earth with a right bump.... or rather a far right bump,eh?

Call of duty: Conscientious Objector

The newest in the franchise from Infinity Warm studios (developers of Medal Of Honour: Switzerland), COD:CO covers most of human conflicts throughout modern history from the perspective of those who decide to sit on the sidelines and passively observe the conflicts as an individual who has claimed the right to refuse to perform military service on the grounds of freedom of thought, conscience and/or religion.

READ THE NEWSPAPERS about the exciting events of the D-Day Landings. LISTEN TO RADIO BROADCASTS about the failed German Drive towards Moscow in 1941 as part of Operation Typhoon.

Xbox owners get exclusive Downloadable Content (DLC) exclusive wallpapers covering the themes of pacifism, non-interventionalism, non-resistance and anti-militarism. Playstation owners get two levels exclusive to their console - "Put that fire out-Civilian firefighting" and "Put that light out-ARP Warden".

Call of Duty: Conscientious Objector will not be available in Russian territories.

"Ensign Everest, I'd make a joke here about the Captains Log, but it'd
frankly demean us both. Let's just assume that this is the hardest mission
you've faced to date. Mr. Worf has the shits something rotten thanks to
those six pints of Eborian Old Peculiar, and you're our only hope."

Star Trek: Federation Plumber 

From MucusArts™  (the developers of Colin Milne: Imperial Dentist™ and Sandra Hurst; Hairdresser of the Rebel Alliance™) comes their new exciting take on the Star Trek Franchise. YOU are Jacob Everest, recent recruit to the illustrious plumbing division of the Federation Engineering Corps on your new assignment on board the legendary U.S.S. Enterprise.

EXPLORE exciting locations such as Enterprise Drinking Water Reservoir A/0001, Enterprise Drinking Water Reservoir A/0002, Enterprise Drinking Water Reservoir B/0001, Enterprise Silage Tank S/0001-A and Enterprise Silage Tank S/0001-B. And, on rare occasion, inside the moisture collector on Aft Enterprise Warp Nacelle 2.

WIELD exotic alien equipment such as the Venusian Hyper-spanner, the Klingon Hyper-spanner, the Ferengi MegaWrench™ and the slightly bigger Venusian Hyper-spanner.

You’ll get to spend your nine hour daily shift fixing water, gas, sewage and wastewater pipes. Explore the bowels of the Enterprise (sometimes literally) in this exciting adventure set in the Star Trek: The Next Generation Universe.

GTA5:Daily Mail Edition will coordinate with
all popular social media and blogging sites
and automatically generate posts identifying
anything outrageous and offensive you might have
missed, automatically posting about it on your
behalf with pompous indignity and mock rage.

"Drinkable water and adequate sanitary conditions? MAKE IT SO!"

Bioshock: Finite 

A special Game of the Year variant of one of 2013s best selling console games, with the additional feature that the game disk wipes itself if your character dies. The Collectors edition of Bioshock: Finite for the Nokia N-Gage comes with a statuette and the complete works of Ayn Rand - and if you pre-order it before release date, also comes with a nice sandwich.

..And more besides.

Other releases foe 2013 include Grand Theft Auto 5: Pre-generated Daily Mail Controversy Edition, Theme Hospital: The Shipman Years, Penultimate Fantasy VII, Tomb Raider: Kindergarten, Emmerdale: Online and finally Immortal Kombat for the Atari Jaguar - an exciting fighting game from the makers of SOAPWARS (which allowed you to pit characters from UK soap operas against each other in bloody one-on-one melee combat). Immortal Kombat sees you playing as one of various selectable deities for all religions* each with an infinite health bar. At last Zeus can fight Jehovah.. for ever!

However sad news for certain game fans at the news of the closure of Vaginal games and the cancellation of the long expected (but also heavily delayed) Rock, Scissors, Paper Extreme. This marks the end of an era for fans of this popular development studio - especially the loyal fanbase of their popular point-and-click series from the eighties Hart to Hart: Moider One, The Selwyn Froggitt Adventures, Murder She Wrote.. again, The adventures of Mrs. Columbo and Manimal: Zookeeper.

* Does not include Mohammed, Buddha or Xenu.

Derek Yu hates mankind

This is Derek Yu (He's the one on the right, by the way).

"What a nice chap", you're probably thinking, "He certainly looks very happy, which in this cynical age is very refreshing. Hurray for him. And blimey, hasn't she got a tiny head? And is that Woody Allen in that picture?"

But I beg you to desist and hold back your hurrays. For Derek Yu is smiling for one sinister reason in this picture, and one sinister reason alone. If you're a gamer, he's looking for a way to destroy your life and royally fuck you over. Derek Yu hates you.

One day, perhaps, in a scenario playing out in my head right now, Derek Yu was watching a friend play Demons Souls on the PS3. "Crikey", he thought, "Thats a bit difficult. I'm surprised that this is selling." and he went away, thinking no more of it.

And then a few years later (again, only in a fictional scenario that exists solely in my head) he was watching the same friend play Dark Souls on an xbox 360 and thought, "Crikey! (which is the favourite expression of surprise of the imaginary Derek Yu in my head) This is even more difficult than Demons Souls, and that was next to impossible. Why would anybody play a game like that?" - and once again, he went away, thinking no more of it.

Not on a concious level, at any rate. The subconscious of Derek Yu was hard at work, mentally constructing a game that would be harder than Chuck Norris in a Viagra factory - and from this evil seed, Spelunky was unleashed upon the world.

The concept is straight forward enough.You play a treasure hunting Indiana Jones type character in an old-school side scrolling platform game, armed only with a whip. Standing between you and the ultimate treasure at the end of the game are snakes, spiders, tribesmen, scorpions, killer wasps, poisonous explosive frogs, yetis, mummies, flying saucers (?!), spike pits and much more.

Every single thing in the game wants you dead, and you will die. A lot.

The corpse of a poisonous frog will explode, sending you flying across the map until your fall is halted by a spike pit. A chain reaction of explosions will disintegrate the ceiling above your head, causing a large stone block to crush you. The ground will collapse under you and you'll fall to your death, breaking every bone in your body. You'll end up at the bottom of a ridiculously deep chasm without the means of getting back out, and you'll be forced to quit.

And with your one life gone, you'll go back to the very start of the game. And I guarantee that you'll click 'Start new game' and play again. And again. And again.

And the primary reason you'll do this is that your death was entirely your fault, and you'll swear you won't get caught out like that again. And as all of the levels are entirely randomly and procedurally generated, you'll never be confronted by the same map and same combination of enemies ever again.

Little by little you will make progress. The mysterious Tunnel Man is one of your only allies, and in return for gifts (the bombs or ropes you own, or the treasure you've found) he'll dig a tunnel to the next level so you have a shortcut straight there.

"But this doesn't mean  that Derek Yu hates mankind", you cry, "merely that he's crafted an entertaining and charming videogame with a high level of difficulty."

No, it doesn't. What convinces me that Derek Yu hates mankind is that I'm nearing the games end and would like Tunnel Man to make me a shortcut. Which he will do, provided I bring him a Gold key. A gold key that only exists in the very first level, for which I'll need to go back to the start of the game and carry it - without dying once, remember - through every single level all the way to him. When even surviving to the end of a single level is a miracle in itself.

Fuck you, Derek Yu.

..but I can do it next time, right? One more go... I can do it...

Spelunky is available on Xbox live marketplace for 1200 Microsoft points you'll never regret spending - or available as a huge demo for free on the PC from Spelunky World. Try it out - I want other people to swear as much as I have over the last fortnight.

FoldsFive, Dragonslayer

"Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit."

Verily (and other such olde world phrases), gather ye round and hear my tale of adventures great, derring-do and derring-don’t. I am David K’ort, Thane of Jak’Danlz, only heir to Dread Lord Bernard, High King of Khrr’lsberg and scourge of Belgium, and this is my story. Enjoy your ale responsibly but remember it’s a sipping beer and not designed for quaffing.

Skyrim may sound on the surface like a very specific sexual act carried out by members of the mile high club, but is in fact the sequel to the RPG Elder Scrolls: Oblivion (which is in itself a sequel to Elder Scrolls: Morrowind). Much like its predecessors, it takes place in an open fantasy world which you’re allowed to explore at your own pace in the manner of your choosing. Oh sure, it has the traditional ‘Only the one spoke of in legend can save the world and, by the way, that’s you’ plot, but there are plenty of sub quests and distractions to keep you busy for hundreds of hours without you even needing to go anywhere near that.

It opens with your as yet unnamed character being carted off for execution. Said execution is unsurprisingly interrupted (which is lucky, otherwise I’d be wondering why I spent 40 quid on a cut scene) by the emergence of a dragon which fries everybody it can see enabling you to perform a daring escape (for ‘escape’ read ‘tutorial’). It of course emerges that you have a great destiny, blah de blah, so far so every fantasy trilogy you’ve ever read or glanced at on geeks bookshelves.

And you’re then let loose in a huge fantasy world racked by Civil War where if you can see it, you can travel to it. Much like Oblivion this is slightly overwhelming at first, but the pure joy of this game comes from exploring Skyrim which hosts a cavalcade of dungeons, ruined temples, haunted caverns and fortresses. Admittedly once you’ve discovered a location you can travel there with a few key presses, but this defeats the object. The fun is in wandering off the beaten track and discovering the secrets of the world for yourself.

YOUR SKILL IN BLOG WRITING HAS INCREASED TO 31.

"Have at thee, tiny crab! That's for giving it all that!"
*does comical pincer hand movements*

It’s not without bugs (by which I don’t mean the Horned Skull-Beetle of the V’poresh Mountains which I may have invented). Characters will happily speak over each other like they’re on the set of Iron Man and I met one poor woman in a town who had found herself unfortunately phased into the wall of her house. I chatted with her for a while and she didn’t seem bothered that she was tethered to the spot with her face sticking out of a wall though, so no harm done. Dragons will swoop overhead and people won’t even react, despite the fact that the game presents them as some World destroying threat.

But oh, those dragons. They’re Skyrims major selling point, and they’re brilliantly realised. If you’re lucky you’ll hear the familiar screech of one of them in the distance, circling some distant misty mountains and marvel a while at the sheer majesty of the beast. If you’re unlucky it has spotted you first – you’ll hear the sound of huge leathery wings shaking the earth, catch a glimpse of its vast shadow and then you’ll be flambéed (thanks to all that Nord Mead you’d ingested) inside your armour. If you’re really unlucky it has dragged a mate along as well, meaning you'll end up as some kind of dragon pull-toy.

A hoary old fantasy plot dictates that it is your destiny to be a Dragon Slayer but I’ll be honest in that I haven’t managed to do so yet without assistance. Why couldn’t the ancient tales have dictated that a legendary Crab killer would walk the earth? I’m awesome at that – the scourge of Crustaceans everywhere. If you’re in luck the dragons flame or ice breath will also irritate some innocent Giant who was previously just minding his own business herding his mammoth who’ll then wander in like a pissed off 60 foot tall Phil Mitchell and give the dragon a piece of its mind. And the large tree it uses as a club.

YOUR SKILL IN BLOG WRITING HAS INCREASED TO 32.

Your unique talent as a Dragon Slayer gives you the ability to learn new abilities from vanquished dragons souls in the form of allowing you to learn previously discovered magical words which form a Shout (“Get! Orf! My! Land!” – that kind of thing). These shouts bless you with superhuman abilities – the ability to move faster than sound, to freeze time, to breathe fire, etc.

My character in Skyrim is an angry ginger lady called Tara who is quite skilled at fighting and cooking. For the benefit of the Court (no pun intended), I’d like to point out that any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

If I had any criticism of Skyrim at all, it'd be that I've been spoiled by the excellent quality of voice acting in both the recent releases Arkham City and Uncharted 3. Many of the Skyrim characters seem like they're attempting sub-par Schwarzenegger impressions delivered with all the charisma of the big Austrian himself. And then you'll meet a cockney. The EDL should take note - this is successful racial integration at its most extreme.

So, in closing. Skyrim is a real time-magnet. It’s beautiful looking and completely absorbing with that annoying hook where every minute of gameplay makes your character that slight bit better but it never feels like a grind. The plot is clichéd but absorbing and (almost) every element of the game feels crafted to the point of perfection. I've been adventuring for hours so far and have barely scratched the surface of this fantasy epic. Skyrim is an icy world so utterly compelling that you'll feel the need to turn your heating up.

Right, I’m off looking for dragons. What’s that shadow abov-

ARRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!


RESTART FROM LAST SAVED GAME?

I love Batman.

There it is, it's in the room. I love Batman. If you asked me who my favourite superhero was of all time, I'd have to save it is most definitely the Caped Crusader. Of course though, before I answered, I'd in fact correct you that strictly speaking he isn't a superhero at all because he doesn't possess super-powers. I'd probably argue this at such length that you'd threaten to hit me, I'd keep banging on, you would hit me, we'd fall out and wouldn't speak for ages and it would just be awful. Lets never fight. It was silly. Honestly, I've forgotten what we were even fighting about now.

To this end I'm quite excited about the forthcoming video game Batman: Arkham Asylum (although to be quite honesty I'm as giddy as a schoolgirl about quite a lot of the releases over the next couple of months - Halo ODST, Beatles Rock Band and Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2). I found that the demo of it was available on Sunday and dutifully downloaded it.

The premise is nothing new; Batman ends up a prisoner in the titular Asylum after bringing the Joker in yet again, and the madmen have clearly taken over this particular madhouse. It's a mixture of stealth and combat wrapped up in a lovely Unreal powered shell.

It's great. The voice cast from the Animated Series reprise their roles - (I still think Mark Hamill portrays one of the best Jokers that there has been ever been on the screen; Way better than the frankly overrated Jack Nicholson performance from the Tim Burton film - and Kevin Conroy, voice of Bats, almost outgruffs Christian Bale) - and best of all, it looks absolutely stunning. The combat feels spot-on - simple in execution, but it really gives the impression that Batman is one powerful guy - each punch and kick comes with a genuine weight behind it and he makes it look effortless. The first half of the demo seems to be standard scene-setting with a couple of fights and a simple puzzle to solve.

The latter half, however, is where it comes into its own. You're left in a large arena with several armed thugs, none of whom know where you are. It's a maze of rooms and platforms and they are truly at your mercy. Batman is far from invulnerable - a couple of good gun shots can take him out easily, but you have the darkness on your side. Swooping in and knocking a thug out and hiding above another one and dragging him up into the darkness, it's all tense stuff. A toggled "Detective mode" allows you to highlight points of interest and also gives Bats X-ray vision - you know where all the bad guys are, but after a few of them have been dispatched they begin to panic - shooting blindly at anything that moves, even each other - whilst all the time you can see their heart rates via the Detective mode showing that they're terrified. All proper comic book stuff.

I'm hoping that the full game (released 28th of August - think I'll be booking the day off) is as good - but based on the demo, it looks like it's going to be awesome.

Which is good, because I love Batman. I hope this small review gave that impression.