Thursday, December 01, 2011

Jeremy Clarkson - "My work here is done".

The 51 year mission of Jeremy Clarkson was deemed an "absolute success" by the man himself yesterday as calculations revealed that he has now managed to achieve his admittedly lofty goal of offending every single fucking last human being on the planet.

"I'd been preparing for around 38 years when I first saw my opportunity at the Birmingham Motor Show. It turns out that the people on the Hyundai stand didn't like me saying they ate dogs, but BMW upsettingly didn't seem that bothered by me calling them Nazis. Even me doing that mock Hitler salute when reviewing a Mini that I thought seemed a bit German didn't offend quite as many people as I'd have liked."

"I was quite pleased at the tactical nuclear grade offence I caused to the National Institute of the Blind when I called Gordon Brown a one eyed Scottish Idiot", Clarkson chuckled, "and I didn't even think that they watched telly. Blind idiots."

"It got quite easy after that", Clarkson reminisces, "Lorry drivers all murder prostitutes, anything made by Rover, Vauxhall Vectra drivers, all an absolute doddle. Complaints flooding in to the BBC, but they know how much business I do for BBC Worldwide, so fuck all is done and they all got shredded and used to line Hammonds cage - but then the big one... Mexicans are all lazy. Boom! Back of the net! 113 and a half million people royally fucked off in one go! But no complaints, because they were presumably all too lazy and having siestas or whatever it is they have to even bother to write in. And probably can't write anyway. Mexicans, eh?"

"Let's see.. I've offended the gays, offended the Welsh by saying that they should abolish the language, ooh, all kinds of things. I've almost lost track myself. Have you seen what they're saying about me online? Christ, they hate Littlejohn and Liz Jones with a passion, but fuck me - loads of people think I'm an absolute cunt. And I got into trouble for saying that once, as well. Had you heard?"

"Anyway", continued Clarkson," I digress. My arcane team of secret advisors that live in my loft revealed to me that I was nearer to my goal than I'd ever imagined.", Clarkson continued, "Turns out that there were only three people left on the planet who I hadn't offended, and they were all Public sector workers. One quick naughty comment on the One Show about how anybody striking should be executed in front of their family, and Lindas your tranvestite uncle. Mission accomplished."

Clarkson sits back in his chair, grinning. When asked if he had any future plans, he was quite open.

"I'm going to build a magic spaceship and travel up to Heaven and piss on God."

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