WARNING: The following blog-post is absolutely jam packed full of spoilers, as in I'm going to virtually describe the entire plot of Star Trek Into Darkness, the second in the series by J.J. Abrams. It's a film I enjoyed, but definitely one where the plot doesn't hold up to scrutiny. You're just supposed to pay attention to the pretty pictures and lens flare and not think about it too hard.
But seriously though, I couldn't put any more spoilers in this if I tried so don't read any more unless you've either already seen Into Darkness or have no interest in watching it whatsoever. I'm taking no responsibility whatsoever in the fact that this will spoil the plot for you. Seriously. Go away.
Really. There are more spoilers here than you'll find in the Spoiler Shelf in the Spoiler Shop of Ruiny McSpoilerson.
No, really. You have been warned.
Really. There are more spoilers here than you'll find in the Spoiler Shelf in the Spoiler Shop of Ruiny McSpoilerson.
No, really. You have been warned.
STAR TREK NO HYPHEN TL;DR INTO PLOTLESSNESS
BY ROBERTO ORCI, ALEX KURTZMAN AND DAMON LINDELOF
ADAPTED FOR CYNICAL PLOTHOLERY BY DAVID COURT
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| Mr Lava Lava. |
SPOCK: Nope, I've tried again and again but even my Vulcan logic can't work out why I'm standing in this volcano priming this device when we could have just done that in the shuttle and dropped it down here.
KIRK: We've jumped off a cliff and now we're inside the Enterprise which we were hiding in a big lake. Don't worry, Spock, I'm going to come and rescue you.
SPOCK: You know that Prime Directive thing? That one that prevents us from interfering in the development of another civilisation? Well, I can't help but feel we've already broken that big time by trying to stop this volcano erupting but if you emerge from the lake then we've DEFINITELY broken it. I've been revising.
KIRK: I'm coming to rescue you anyway. Bridge - take us out of this lake and over that volcano so we can transport in Spock because the bizarre rules regarding when we can or can't use the transporter because of interference from seemingly anything don't appear to apply with magma.
SPOCK: No, don't rescue me - I'm ready to die - and I'll only have to write up a report specifying exactly what's happened and that'll probably end up getting us both into trouble. Sheesh. I've started composing it in my head already. "Dear Starfleet, my name is Spock and-"
SPOCK is transported back onto the ENTERPRISE.
WHITE FACED ALIENS on planet having watched the Enterprise emerge from the lake draw a picture of it in the sand.
WHITE FACED ALIEN CHIEFTAIN GAVIN REYNOLDS: Let us now base our entire future religious and moral structure on the emergence of the mighty white bird from the great lake. If anything, it'll make an interesting plotline when they reboot Star Trek: The Next Generation in 20 years and they come and visit this world.
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| KABOOM, |
We are now in FUTURE-LONDON. This is just like normal London only it now has a future-London Eye, a future-Wembley and the Future-Boris Bikes hover above the ground (or have lasers or something). We can see SAINT PAULS thus reminding us that yes, we’re in London and yes, it’s a listed building not affected by the construction of FUTURE LONDON.
MICKEY from off of DOCTOR WHO has a poorly daughter. In exchange for MEDICINE from SHERLOCK HOLMES making her better he uses an EXPLOSIVE LEMSIP to BLOW UP A FEDERATION BUILDING.
INT. STARFLEET HEADQUARTERS
CHRISTOPHER PIKE: Spock has written up a report specifying exactly what has happened and it's got you both into trouble. You can't have the Enterprise any more and Spock has been reassigned to USS OtherShip. Go and drown your sorrows and don't stop doing that until I come with you with an emergency.
INT. SPACE PUB - LATER
PIKE: Despite being like the father you never knew and that now you're my new first officer, there's been an emergency.
INT. SUPER SPECIAL STARFLEET EMERGENCY MEETING ROOM
SPACE ADMIRAL ROBOCOP PETER WELLER: Sherlock - who is one of us - has blown up a federation building. Just a library, I think. I've called all of you important Federation people here - where we always come to when things like this happen - because we need to talk about what we're going to do about it.
KIRK: I'm pretty new at this whole game but am I the only one smart enough to figure out that Sherlock now knows where we all are? Not quite sure how he'd know WHEN we were coming here, but..
SPACE ADMIRAL ROBOCOP PETER WELLER: Sherlock - who is one of us - has blown up a federation building. Just a library, I think. I've called all of you important Federation people here - where we always come to when things like this happen - because we need to talk about what we're going to do about it.
KIRK: I'm pretty new at this whole game but am I the only one smart enough to figure out that Sherlock now knows where we all are? Not quite sure how he'd know WHEN we were coming here, but..
SHERLOCK opens fire on the building in his BMW GUNSHIP SPACE CAR.
PIKE: For a powerful intergalactic federation we sure are crap at defending the airspace around our bases. It's also worse than that, I'm dead, Jim.
PIKE dies. KIRK destroys Sherlocks BMW GUNSHIP SPACE CAR with a fire hose. Or something. SHERLOCK escapes.
SPACE ADMIRAL ROBOCOP PETER WELLER: Right, Kirk. Despite the fact we've only just taken your ship off you we're giving it you back. This is of course not at all suspicious. Sherlock is hiding on the Apostrophe Klingon homeworld of Qo'noS so we're going to equip the Enterprise for super-special not-at-all-suspicious torpedoes which can target him and take him out.
KIRK: Kronos?
SPACE ADMIRAL ROBOCOP PETER WELLER: Qo'noS.
KIRK: That sounds fine. I'm sure Scotty won't mind having one of these torpedoes on board.
SPACE ADMIRAL ROBOCOP PETER WELLER: Yeah. About that. There are 72 of them. That's about a normal amount of torpedoes, right?
KIRK: 72? That doesn't sound in the slightest bit suspicious. Either the torpedoes are really small - which I can see they're not because they're man-sized - or Sherlock is really big and/or armoured plated - and he isn't because I saw him in his Space Car - or you don't have much faith in your technology working. Still, what the hell.
PIKE: For a powerful intergalactic federation we sure are crap at defending the airspace around our bases. It's also worse than that, I'm dead, Jim.
PIKE dies. KIRK destroys Sherlocks BMW GUNSHIP SPACE CAR with a fire hose. Or something. SHERLOCK escapes.
SPACE ADMIRAL ROBOCOP PETER WELLER: Right, Kirk. Despite the fact we've only just taken your ship off you we're giving it you back. This is of course not at all suspicious. Sherlock is hiding on the Apostrophe Klingon homeworld of Qo'noS so we're going to equip the Enterprise for super-special not-at-all-suspicious torpedoes which can target him and take him out.
KIRK: Kronos?
SPACE ADMIRAL ROBOCOP PETER WELLER: Qo'noS.
KIRK: That sounds fine. I'm sure Scotty won't mind having one of these torpedoes on board.
SPACE ADMIRAL ROBOCOP PETER WELLER: Yeah. About that. There are 72 of them. That's about a normal amount of torpedoes, right?
KIRK: 72? That doesn't sound in the slightest bit suspicious. Either the torpedoes are really small - which I can see they're not because they're man-sized - or Sherlock is really big and/or armoured plated - and he isn't because I saw him in his Space Car - or you don't have much faith in your technology working. Still, what the hell.
INT. ENTERPRISE CARGO BAY
CAROL MARCUS: Hi. I've been assigned to the Enterprise. You don't need to say any identification, do you? Cool. Thought not. All I can say is that I'm definitely not the Admirals daughter.
KIRK: Not a problem - as long as I get to see you in your underwear later, that'll be fine. Scotty, you don't mind having these torpedoes on board, do you?
SCOTTY: 72 Torpedoes? And they don't even come with a manual? Not even a downloadable PDF? No way.
KIRK: Get off my ship. You're fired. You know where engineering is, Chekov? You're in charge of it now. Set course for Klingon space. Warp speed ahead. Wheeeeeeee.
CAROL MARCUS: Hi. I've been assigned to the Enterprise. You don't need to say any identification, do you? Cool. Thought not. All I can say is that I'm definitely not the Admirals daughter.
KIRK: Not a problem - as long as I get to see you in your underwear later, that'll be fine. Scotty, you don't mind having these torpedoes on board, do you?
SCOTTY: 72 Torpedoes? And they don't even come with a manual? Not even a downloadable PDF? No way.
KIRK: Get off my ship. You're fired. You know where engineering is, Chekov? You're in charge of it now. Set course for Klingon space. Warp speed ahead. Wheeeeeeee.
EXT. SPACE - The ENTERPRISE stops dead in space.
KIRK: Oops. We're now stranded in space over the Klingon homeworld. Better start repairs. I could launch the torpedoes but it doesn't feel very fair. Have we got any convenient trader ships we've confiscated in the hold that we can use?
UHURA: It just so happens..
UHURA: It just so happens..
EXT. QO'NOS SURFACE - The commandeered conveniently confiscated Trader ship lands. KIRK, SPOCK and UHURA have a fight with some KLINGONS after a failed negotiation in which UHURA translates something wrong and calls all of their mothers shit-faced idiots until SHERLOCK appears and KILLS the KLINGONS.
KIRK: You'd better surrender. We've got loads of torpedoes pointing at you.
SHERLOCK: Really? Seems a bit like overkill. How many?
KIRK: 72.
SHERLOCK: Fuck. I surrender.
KIRK: You'd better surrender. We've got loads of torpedoes pointing at you.
SHERLOCK: Really? Seems a bit like overkill. How many?
KIRK: 72.
SHERLOCK: Fuck. I surrender.
INT. ENTERPRISE PRISON
SHERLOCK: Right. Turns out my real name is KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!!! and I'm a genetically engineered superhuman who has been in cryogenic sleep for 300 years who was forced by the federation to develop weapons because modern man isn't barbaric enough and hasn't got any old books telling them how to do it. I'd open up one of those torpedoes and have a look if I were you. Get your chief medical officer on it - The precision of equipment and robots and stuff you've got to do it probably won't be a match for his surgeons touch - unless he fucks it up royally and you end up just having to defuse it by ripping stuff out of it. He'll find that every torpedo has one of my crew inside in cryogenic suspension. And here are some co-ordinates. Or it might be my mobile number.
BONES: Right, we've done all that despite the fact I had to point out to the captain I'm a doctor and not a torpedo engineer - which became apparent when I fucked it all up. I'm busy over here injecting some of the blood of Sherlock, sorry, KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!!! into a Tribble. Don't know why I mentioned it really. As you were.
KIRK: Thanks for the update, Bones. That might come in handy later. I hope you remembered how you fucked up opening up that torpedo - that might be useful information as well.
SHERLOCK: Right. Turns out my real name is KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!!! and I'm a genetically engineered superhuman who has been in cryogenic sleep for 300 years who was forced by the federation to develop weapons because modern man isn't barbaric enough and hasn't got any old books telling them how to do it. I'd open up one of those torpedoes and have a look if I were you. Get your chief medical officer on it - The precision of equipment and robots and stuff you've got to do it probably won't be a match for his surgeons touch - unless he fucks it up royally and you end up just having to defuse it by ripping stuff out of it. He'll find that every torpedo has one of my crew inside in cryogenic suspension. And here are some co-ordinates. Or it might be my mobile number.
BONES: Right, we've done all that despite the fact I had to point out to the captain I'm a doctor and not a torpedo engineer - which became apparent when I fucked it all up. I'm busy over here injecting some of the blood of Sherlock, sorry, KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!!! into a Tribble. Don't know why I mentioned it really. As you were.
KIRK: Thanks for the update, Bones. That might come in handy later. I hope you remembered how you fucked up opening up that torpedo - that might be useful information as well.
KIRK calls SCOTTY who is in a SPACE PUB drinking SCOTTISH SPACE McWHISKY.
KIRK: Hi Scotty. I'm calling you from deep space - the roaming charges on this call will be extortionate. Still, excellent signal though. Despite me basically sacking you earlier, I need you to travel to some co-ordinates I'm about to give you. Not sure why.
KIRK: Hi Scotty. I'm calling you from deep space - the roaming charges on this call will be extortionate. Still, excellent signal though. Despite me basically sacking you earlier, I need you to travel to some co-ordinates I'm about to give you. Not sure why.
INT. SHUTTLE - SCOTTY has gone to the coordinates and is looking out the window at something AMAZING and sneaks in to get nearer with some other shuttles that COINCIDENTALLY JUST HAPPEN to be going there AT THAT EXACT SAME MOMENT.
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| Cue soundtrack "Baaaaaam baaaaam baaaaaaaam" |
EXT. SPACE - A huge spaceship warps in next to and dwarfs the the ENTERPRISE. This is the USS SPINAL TAP also known as the USS VENGEANCE. It is BLACK because IT IS EVIL.
INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE - KIRK is talking on the viewscreen to the commanding officer on the VENGEANCE who is SPACE ADMIRAL ROBOCOP PETER WELLER.
SPACE ADMIRAL ROBOCOP PETER WELLER: I can't help but notice you didn't fire the 72 torpedoes. I hope you haven't spoken to KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!, I mean Sherlock.
KIRK: Yes we did.
SPACE ADMIRAL ROBOCOP PETER WELLER: Bugger. BLOW UP THE ENTERPRISE! Kirk, I order you to lose. Worth a shot. You're not going to scupper my plans on starting a new war with the Klingons, despite the fact that there must have been far easier ways to achieve this goal. I love war, me.
AUDIENCE: Hang on a cotton pickin' minute. Were you trying to start a war with the Klingons by firing all of Sherlocks mates at them in torpedoes? Or by stranding the Enterprise in deep space so they'd be -
LENS FLARE AND LOADS OF EXPLOSIONS
AUDIENCE: Ooooh. Pretty.
THE VENGEANCE shoots lots of explodey glowy torpedo things at the ENTERPRISE which BECOMES VERY DAMAGED and has 6% SHIELDS or SOMETHING.
SPACE ADMIRAL ROBOCOP PETER WELLER: The only way we could possibly not completely wipe them out is if somehow one of his old crew with a certain level of engineering know-how had managed to sneak on board the VENGEANCE at its secret co-ordinates and disabled the weapon systems.
SPACE ADMIRAL ROBOCOP PETER WELLER: I can't help but notice you didn't fire the 72 torpedoes. I hope you haven't spoken to KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!, I mean Sherlock.
KIRK: Yes we did.
SPACE ADMIRAL ROBOCOP PETER WELLER: Bugger. BLOW UP THE ENTERPRISE! Kirk, I order you to lose. Worth a shot. You're not going to scupper my plans on starting a new war with the Klingons, despite the fact that there must have been far easier ways to achieve this goal. I love war, me.
AUDIENCE: Hang on a cotton pickin' minute. Were you trying to start a war with the Klingons by firing all of Sherlocks mates at them in torpedoes? Or by stranding the Enterprise in deep space so they'd be -
LENS FLARE AND LOADS OF EXPLOSIONS
AUDIENCE: Ooooh. Pretty.
THE VENGEANCE shoots lots of explodey glowy torpedo things at the ENTERPRISE which BECOMES VERY DAMAGED and has 6% SHIELDS or SOMETHING.
CAROL MARCUS: Dad, I mean Admiral, stop firing on my friends! And don't you dare transport me out of here in the middle of a sen-
CAROL is transported OFF THE ENTERPRISE and onto THE VENGEANCE.
CAROL MARCUS: -tence. Balls.
CAROL is transported OFF THE ENTERPRISE and onto THE VENGEANCE.
CAROL MARCUS: -tence. Balls.
EXT. VENGEANCE - THE WEAPONS STOP FIRING
KIRK: I think, KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!, that we should form a temporary allegiance and go over to the vengeance to stop Space Admiral Robocop Peter Weller. Scotty can let us in now as he's managed to sneak on board the VENGEANCE at its secret co-ordinates and disabled the weapon systems. Shame he can't do the same with the shield so we could teleport over, but that never works when it'd be useful.
EXT. SPACE
KIRK and KHAAN!!!! hurtle through space in their spacesuits, just like the bit in the first one where KIRK, SULU and REDSHIRT had to land on a mining platform. That bit was ace. SCOTTY opens the door for them just in time, even though he had an absolute age.
EXT. SPACE
KIRK and KHAAN!!!! hurtle through space in their spacesuits, just like the bit in the first one where KIRK, SULU and REDSHIRT had to land on a mining platform. That bit was ace. SCOTTY opens the door for them just in time, even though he had an absolute age.
KIRK: You mean you could have let me in at any time?
SCOTTY: Only when it was exciting.
INT. VENGEANCE - VENGEANCE BRIDGE
KIRK: We've come to stop you, Space Admiral Robocop Peter Weller.
INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE - NEW FORMULA SPOCK is talking to OLD SPOCK on the videoscreen.
NEW SPOCK: So, this KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!!! Can we trust him?
OLD SPOCK: Khan Noonian Singh? Never heard of him.
NEW SPOCK: ...
OLD SPOCK: Oops. I can't tell you things like that because it would seriously affect the space-time continuum. But no, you can't. And tell the people of Earth to take care of all the Whales. And the Squire of Gothos is some kind of alien child. And if an alien tells you he's God, he isn't. And when you meet Dr. Soran, just shoot him on sight. And don't let Nimoy direct or Shatner write any books.
NEW SPOCK: So, this KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!!! Can we trust him?
OLD SPOCK: Khan Noonian Singh? Never heard of him.
NEW SPOCK: ...
OLD SPOCK: Oops. I can't tell you things like that because it would seriously affect the space-time continuum. But no, you can't. And tell the people of Earth to take care of all the Whales. And the Squire of Gothos is some kind of alien child. And if an alien tells you he's God, he isn't. And when you meet Dr. Soran, just shoot him on sight. And don't let Nimoy direct or Shatner write any books.
INT. VENGEANCE - VENGEANCE BRIDGE - KIRK and KHAN!!!! take control of the bridge. SCOTTY stuns KHAN with his phaser. KHAN!!!! betrays KIRK - although it could be argued he was betrayed first - and kills SPACE ADMIRAL ROBOCOP PETER WELLER by CRUSHING HIS HEAD with his bare hands. KHAN!!!! negotiates with SPOCK for the life of KIRK and SPOCK beams the 72 (72!) torpedoes onto the VENGEANCE.
KHAN teleports KIRK, SCOTTY and CAROL back to the ENTERPRISE to destroy it but SPOCK reveals that despite only having a stupidly short period of time to do so - and when doing it just once nearly killed BONES and CARLOS MARCUS - they've managed to get all the 72 cryo-pods out of the TORPEDOES which are NOW ARMED and on board the USS VENGEANCE which SPOCK DETONATES.
THE ENTERPRISE crashes down towards EARTH and KIRK has to sacrifice his life dying from radiation poisoning to realign the warp core - which sounds complicated but is essentially done by percussive maintenance; I.e. kicking it until it is realigned.
WE SIT THROUGH an almost SHOT FOR SHOT retelling of the SAME SCENE from THE WRATH OF KHAN but it's okay because it's a HOMAGE. SPOCK gets to scream KHAN!!!!.
AUDIENCE: I'm really surprised that they killed Kirk off in the second movie. You'll forgive this scene not having any particular emotional resonance with us because they're bound to find a way to undo it. But I guess nobody actually said "he's dead" but they've just implied it a lot.
THE damaged USS VENGEANCE crashes into NEW SAN FRANCISCO. SPLASH. CRASH. BANG. WALLOP.
SPOCK gets ANGRY and chases after KHAN!!!! by leaping from convenient floating car to convenient floating car in what resembles a cross between the videogames Streetfighter and Frogger. The ENTERPRISE would beam them up but they CAN'T DO IT because THEY'RE MOVING TOO FAST or something even though CHEKOV did it in the first one.
INT. ENTERPRISE - MEDICAL BAY - The TRIBBLE that DIED OR SOMETHING comes back to life.
BONES: Tell Spock he can kill Khan!!! all he wants because we don't need him. The genetically engineered blood from Khan and his lackeys is MAGIC and we've got 72 perfectly good blood donors in cryogenic tubes in our hold.
SPOCK: Sorry, didn't catch a word of that - this is a really bad signal. I'm really angry and am going to beat you up now - I'm especially angry that I did my fancy neck pinch on you and all you did was go 'Ow'.
SPOCK and KHAN continue fighting and SPOCK WINS. Even though he really wants to kill Khan because he's angry, he doesn't.
BONES injects KIRK with the MAGIC BLOOD and he COMES BACK TO LIFE. STAR FLEET give KIRK his job back with some obvious embarrassment after one of their MOST IMPORTANT AND HIGHEST RANKING MEMBERS secretly tried to bump off EVERYBODY ON THE ENTERPRISE. Which they've rebuilt. And given a polish.
KHAN and all his CREW are put back into CRYOGENIC SUSPENSION in a warehouse to be investigated by TOP MEN so they can escape in STAR TREK 8.
KIRK: Space... the Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Her five year mission - that you'd assumed the first film had ended with - to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life forms and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before. Until I invariably lose captaincy of the ship for inevitable subordination in the first twenty minutes of the third film.
And this wasn't a remake of Khan. If anything it was the original episode SPACE SEED, if you think about it. And Spock didn't even die in this, so there's no way we can spend the third film looking for him, capische?
Wheeeeeeee.
EXT. SPACE - ENTERPRISE goes into WARP leaving behind big sparkly blue lines.
Wheeeeeeee.
EXT. SPACE - ENTERPRISE goes into WARP leaving behind big sparkly blue lines.
*END CREDITS*
CAPTAIN KIRK WILL RETURN IN
Star Trek colon The Voyage Home to the Undiscovered Country
CAPTAIN KIRK WILL RETURN IN
Star Trek colon The Voyage Home to the Undiscovered Country
