Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Papal Conclave: Live News Feed

For your Papal conclave news, check #ConclaveNews on Twitter.

12-03-2013 14:12 - The Cardinals do a run to their local Blockbusters. Cardinals 
Newman, Sharpe and Fiorento want popcorn and Cardinal Esseme wants to rent
out "Colonial Marines" for the Conclave PS3.
13-03-2013 06:47 - Day 2 in the Papal Conclave. Cardinals Agustino and Fiorenzo have been awake all night shaking because Cardinal Becker told them all a scary story last night.

13-03-2013 06:50 - Cardinals Brady and Marco are attempting to fix up some breakfast, but little do they know that Cardinal Cleemis broke the oven last night trying to make Shrinky Dinks out of crisp packets.

13-03-2013 07:13 - The silence of the darkened Sistine Chapel is broken by a loud fart followed by much giggling from the cardinals.

13-03-2013 07:23 - Cardinal Fereze attempting to explain what Steampunk is to Cardinal Mgwembe whilst Cardinals Leseze and Migobe look on, bemused.

13-03-2013 07:40 - Noises of disapproval as Cardinal Andrews is caught reading Harry Potter by torchlight under his blanket.

13-03-2013 07:55 - Justice as Sistine Chapel raided by police, mass arrests for covering up years of child abuse. Riches distributed to poor. (Citation needed)

13-03-2013 07:57 - Cardinals have moment of lucidity and realise medieval rituals have no place in modern world.

13-03-2013 08:15 - And time for breakfast at the Vatican. Cardinal Vincenzo has burnt his toast and nearly elected a new Pope by mistake.

13-03-2013 08:50 - Impromptu Spice Girls singalong stops play whilst the Cardinals decide who will be Posh Spice.

13-03-2013 08:52 - Cardinal Costa still lobbying for Keith Richards to be next Pope, using the old 'Papal was a Rolling Stone' approach.

13-03-2013 08:55 - Cardinal Ruffalo tries to lighten mood and turns up in fancy dress as a lacy toilet roll cover. Nobody has noticed difference.

13-03-2013 08:58 - A brief moment of panic as Cardinals lose the Sorting Hat.

13-03-2013 09:25 - Maverick Cardinal Angelo wants to update white/black smoke with a modern colourful red-arrows style display. Much frowning.

13-03-2013 09:35 - John Terry has just been spotted, waiting patiently outside the conclave.

13-03-2013 09:38 - Chances of new pope being decided today have been quashed because its #nosmokingday and nobody dare light the voting slips.

13-03-2013 09:41 - Scenes of some distress as Cardinals busy themselves removing freshly discovered corpse of Santa from chimney.

13-03-2013 10:07 - Cardinal Brady is already getting excited for St. Patricks Day, and as such, has started on the Guinness.

13-03-2013 10:14 - Tensions rise as Cardinal Baggi says he needs a half hour break at 10:30 as he's taking part in Ken Bruce's Popmaster.

13-03-2013 10:23 - "Eeny Meeny Miney Mo" method fails. Cardinals forced to look into forbidden "Bumper book of backup pope plans".

13-03-2013 10:28 - Cardinal brady says the money is on whoever has stolen his 'Wednesday' socks from his drawer for 'doing the diaper dirty'.

13-03-2013 10:37 - It's all kicking off now, cardinals are arguing over who may or may not have forgotten the second box of adult diapers.

13-03-2013 10:37 - BREAKING NEWS: Decision making process officially paused as the next 30 minutes is recognised by the Vatican as being officially "Hammer time".

13-03-2013 10:45 - Cardinal Brady a bit pissed on Guinness, and is also accusing the other cardinals of hiding a pink unicorn that flew out of his bum.

13-03-2013 10:58 - Cardinal Fiorento distressed to find his vestments (parachute pants) taken from his locker; appears a prankster is in their midst.

13-03-2013 11:07 - Another deadlock in the voting process. Cardinals resorting to a game of off-ground tig to determine new pope.

13-03-2013 11:19 - Cardinal O'Conner has just cracked the "Créme De Menthe/No wonder they carry him round in a f*cking chair' gag. Again.

13-03-2013 11:20 - Samantha Brick has just written an article for the Mail expressing why she's too beautiful to be the next Pope.

Cardinals reportedly under attack from Smoke Beast from off of
TV Series "Lost".  These reports are, at the time of press, unconfirmed.
13-03-2013 11:27 - Cardinal Caruso unsuccessfully tries yet again to get the assembly joining in on a chorus of 'Every Sperm Is Sacred'

13-03-2013 11:37 - Cardinal D'Angelo relying on divine guidance, through the medium of his Magic 8-Ball.

13-03-2013 11:52 - Tension is mounting - Now there are only eight chairs remaining and nine cardinals still standing.

13-03-2013 12:00 - Cardinal Reinhard Marx has been disqualified as a papal candidate due to fears by the conclave that he is too young and will only encourage more "hippy masses" with peace, love and folk music.

13-03-2013 12:18 - Controversy as Cardinal Lucian Mureşan's papal promotional video includes scenes of a musical duet with the Cheeky Girls.

13-03 2013 12:27 - Reports are coming in of prankster Cardinal Dolan wrapping Cardinal DiNardo's iPad in several layers of cling-film and swapping Cardinal Kurt's heart medication for Viagra.

13-03-2013 12:40 - Tensions rise are arguments break out between Cardinals Eijk and Barbarin as to whose turn it is in the Ball pit

13:03-2013 13:00 - Lunchtime. A rousing cry of "Hope its chips, its chips...we hope its chips, its chips" rings out.

13-03-2013 13:03 - BREAKING NEWS: Despite being no closer to determining a Pope, the Vatican have issued a definitive list of the individuals who definitely will NOT become Pope. This list includes former Arsenal Striker Eddie Hapgood, Celebrity Chefs Rick Stein and Valentine Warner, Sandra Mulhaven of Exeter and the fictional crimefighters of the sea Sharky and George.

13-03-2013 13:12 - However much confusion occurs when asked "Daddy or chips".

13-03-2013 13:14 - Lunchtime in the Vatican and the Dairylea Dunkers have been brought out.

13-03-2013 14:02 - Post lunch kick-about sees the usual argument, started by Cardinal Braz de Aviz, of how Brazil are the greatest at football.

13-03-2013 14:04 - Cardinal Polycarp Pengo doesn't look amused that his name has been defaced during lunch to read "Pingu".

13-03-2013 14:16 - Cardinal Levada has stormed off upstairs in a huff due to the constant singing of 'Livin' Levada Loca' to him by the others.

13-03-2013 14:21 - Discordant renditions of the Pingu theme tune being hummed now. Cardinal Pengo smiles and joins in. Disaster averted.

13-03-2013 14:30 - Everything has stopped. It's time for "Neighbours".

13-03-2013 16:25 - It's getting very tense now. Pretty much everyone knows it was Professor Plum in the study.

13-03-2013 16:30 - Vatican invokes rarely utilised emergency edict; If pope isn't decided by 17:00, there will be a sudden death round. Or failing that, they all have to take it in turns to be Pope. Oldest goes first.

13-03-2013 17:19 - If it runs into Thursday, the cardinals will be reminded to bring in their PE kits.

13-03-2013 17:21 - Cardinal Burke entertains the others with his George Formby impersonations and promptly gets a slap off God for pissing about.

13-03-2013 18:15 - WHITE SMOKE! The beacons of Gondor have been lit. Expect the Rohirrim to ride in within the hour.

13-03-2013 18:20 - Now a new pope has been decided, the countdown to the John Terry/New Pope/Balcony photoshop viral can begin.

13-03-2013 18:33 - Cardinal Belucci sneaks away for a craft cigarette during #nosmokingday and inadvertantly starts worldwide celebrations.

13-03-2013 18:35 - As the smoke from the burning murder cards billows, we can only speculate on the weapon. Revolver? Rope? We may never know.

And that concludes our live twitter feed of todays spectacular events. More than 86 virgins have been sacrificed to produce the 415 pints of blood required for the papal decision ceremony, and let those deaths not be in vain.  I for one welcome our new Papal Catholic Overlord.

Contributions by Papal reporting team David Court, Brian Eeles, Simon Pegg, M'ster Odie, Jude, Tom White, Tara Court and Lou Ryrie.

No comments:

Post a Comment

I love comments. Love 'em. However, abusive or spam or Anonymous ones may well be sent straight to the bin. Thems the rules.