Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Do Not Adjust Your Sets...

A billion and one blog posts have been written about depression, and so here I go writing forgive me if I bring you all down, normal service blog service (sarcastic ragey posts by David and Tom) will be resumed shortly.

Today I went to the doctor.  He signed me off work for three weeks with depression.  This is on top of the two previous weeks he'd signed me off for 'work related stress' and depression.  Yes, it's true, there was a little situation at work that occurred before Christmas and I thought I was dealing with it.  Evidently, I was wrong.  I wasn't coping well at all.  The incident at my kitchen sink when the thought popped into my head that everyone would be better off if I slit my wrists set off alarm bells and I genuinely got scared.

Trying to cope with my mood swings has been shit, really really shit.  I was crying at least once a day, not sleeping properly, frightened of getting up out of bed, terrified of going into work, into the situation that kicked off this little episode of mental.  Due to all this nonsense, I've had to stop doing the voluntary work that I work hard to do, that I enjoy doing, the things that make me who I am.  And that hurts me.  I'm better off when I'm helping others, I'm not too great at being helped.

And then of course, once one shit thing happens, every other little rubbish thing in life becomes magnified and I was (and am, still to some extent) a bag of worry, nerves and tears.  And I have to live with that every day (for the time being).

When David was going through his illness a couple of years back, I was there for him.  I supported him as best I could and he was so appreciative of me.  I genuinely didn't know why because isn't that what your other half does?  Isn't it what any human being would do?  Now the shoe is on the other foot and he's there for me.  I know he's finding it difficult (mainly because I am difficult) but I'm so thankful he's there.

The people who know what's been wrong with me have been brilliant, all my close friends and especially my family (a good few tips from my da on how to cope at work have been much appreciated).

So I'm off for three more weeks, with a view to getting psychological input and trying to NOT take meds (Fluoxetine made me a zombie).  A break away (already planned before my brain hit meltdown) up to the seaside for David's birthday is the first thing I've looked forward to for months...

I'm trying to be brighter and sunnier - and it WILL happen - watch this space...


  1. An open, honest, brave, amazing post. The same attiributes as the writer. I am positive you will get through this with flying colours, and although it's far from easy, you're stronger than you know, and you have an amazing partner to back you up. Sending you SO much love. xxx


  2. I hope things work themselves out for you xx

  3. Fluoxetine is HORRIBLE shit. I'm going through the same, since before Christmas. With added anxiety disorder. If you want to shout about being mental feel free to direct it my way.

  4. You seemed on the outside to be an antidepressant. Very cheery when I met you. I have suffered from depression for many years.I probably seemed cheery too. There seems to be a genetic link for me. I had the same reaction with the same drug, but Celexa seems to work. What I found over time, a long time, is that its easy to mix up depression with anxiety, and the opposite. So I also started something for anxiety, and the combo seems to be working. The sad thing is, you cant tell if the antidepressant is really working unless you stop it. Which is risky.Which Ive done a few times. Close family members can run out of patience, as those who have never walked with the ``Black Dog`` dont get it.

    Work is only work. I have always resisted anyone telling me its a career. They can fuck off. Its work. I lost my job because I was open about depression and having a hard time with what was at the time diagnosed as PTSD. But of course I cant prove it. But my own values were, and are more important than the corporate shite, and thats one small thing I have to hang onto.

  5. Hey fellow minimum - Fluoxatine did nothing for me either. All I can say is that it'll get better some day (I'm still waiting for it to) and if you ever need someone new to talk to or moan at, let me know.
    Char x

  6. I went though some serious depression recently, taking me right to the very edge and almost over it. I wasn't smart enough to actually see a doctor and ended up staying at work and just plodding through it. You're really brave talking about it and from my personal experience it was one of the best things I did at the time, I shared the pain, to the point it probably annoyed some of my friends, but it got me through it. Good Luck, I know David will make sure you're looked after.


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