Sunday, February 17, 2013

You win, Internet, you win.

I give in, Internet. You've beaten me. As soon as I've concluded writing this blog post, I'm off to my toolkit for a spot of trepanning. I'm going to drill a neat hole into my skull and skilfully lobotomise myself with an old cyan golf tee I've found.

I feel like Luke Skywalker in the trash compactor in Star Wars Episode IV (in which he was armed with a red, white and green striped lightsaber, fact fans) who is trying and failing to hold back a wall of fucking stupid.

I've tried, my God I've tried. I've posted the links to Snopes or simply urged people to actually think about what they're posting, but it's an utter waste of time. For each blatant lie on the internet there are a handful of people protesting against it - but without fail each and every one of these is outnumbered by a couple of hundred shares or likes.

So at this stage it's easier to simply admit that all the idiots were correct - if you can't beat 'em to death with a house brick without fear of legal reprisal, you might as well join 'em.

You'd think that there wouldn't be a person in existence now that suspected that Facebook was going to start charging or that circulating emails with Bill Gates in will get you a dollar for each time you forward the email - but there still are. 

Those photographs of missing people you've been circulating about people that I told you had been found because said photographs are months old? Despite the overwhelming evidence that they have been found - I.e. the ambiguous fact that they've all been fucking found, they are of course, all still missing.

Did you know that criminals are placing notes on the back windows of cars and then carjacking the people who spot them and stop their car to remove them? Apart from the fact that it's never bastard well happened, it's a genuine police concern. It's way up there on the list of Police priorities with bringing Hamburglar to justice.

And you were also right about the following things: Sandy Hook and 9/11 were conspiracies arranged by the American government, people are dying from Rat Urine on Soda Cans and entering your PIN number in reverse will summon the police. And illegal immigrants are claiming all your benefits.

But the absolute beauty today came not from the hoax itself - some bullshit about baby carrots being made from deformed full size carrots that have been soaked in chlorine - but from the comments defending this clear bit of drivel.

To put this into context, this piece of paranoid bilge was found on a facebook page dedicated to survivalists (I.e. those scary people who like their guns rather too much and sometimes give them ladies names), and I did my traditional Snope response that took me a whole 8 worrying seconds to find.

And the response? Snopes is a government website. 

Think about that for a moment. "You can prove anything with facts". It is now officially easier to believe that people are trying to poison your food rather than actually think about what this means.

The level of Stupid there hit you like a fucking brick, didn't it?

The internet hasn't just made information more freely available - it also seems to have also had the unfortunate side effect of spreading Stupid faster.

The people posting these things think they're helping, but they're just spreading a combination of ignorance, bigotry and dangerous mistruths. And this winds me up way more than it should. Because for every bit of bullshit that gets spread about it is doing nothing more than distracting us from the real things we should be worried about.

And it's making the genuine warnings harder to spot, because they're lost in a sea of bullshit.

And we have the tools right in front of us that make any of this information easy to confirm. Try it - you can do it pretty much instantly.

And even if you do something stupid, it's easy to correct it - when somebody points out the error of your ways, delete the stupid post. There - stupidity has been nullified!

So, hole drilled it'll only be a few short taps until blissful ignorance.

*tap* I have the urge to tape Miranda on series link.
*tap* A government who can't even cover up their expense claims being leaked is trying systematically to poison us all.
*tap* "Take me out" is the pinnacle of quality television broadcasting.
*tap* Ahhhh.........

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