Saturday, January 19, 2013

Lance Armstrong - Cheat

Established cheat and stripped-of-all-titles-since-1988-in-doping-scandal-in-incredibly-and-increasingly-unwieldy-sentence former professional cyclist Lance Armstrong, 41, came clean and ended years of denial in an interview held with American presenter Oprah Winfrey.

The interview with Winfrey was shown on the Winfrey owned channel OWN and was streamed worldwide to an audience of approximately 10 million.

The tens of millions watching saw Armstrong shockingly reveal:
  • That he took performance-enhancing drugs in each of his Tour wins from 1999-2005.
  • That he has been known to distract friends at parties and peak inside the little "Cluedo" envelope to find out who the murderer was, what room they committed the crime in and what weapon was used.
  • He can voluntarily dislocate his right wrist, giving him an unfair advantage in "Twister".
  • He beat 'Doom' back in 1994 but only through enabling God Mode ('clipping off'), infinite ammunition and assisted aiming.
  • In games of "Hide and Seek" (known as "Hide and Go Seek" in America) he has been known to skip the final stages of counting by employing the technique of "1, 2, miss a few, 99, a hundred" - thus unfairly allowing him to shave entire seconds away from the hiders time advantage.
  • He only exists thanks to his individual sperm fusing with the ovum of his Mother, Linda Armstrong. This was against incredible odds, with an estimated 50 - 500 million rivals. Performance enhancing drugs have not been ruled out at this stage and claims are being investigated by the WHO (World Health Organisation).
  • He read the last page of the script of 'The Mouse Trap' so he knows whodunnit in advance.
  • He only beat his brother in all those games of split-screen Goldeneye and Halo because he kept peering at the other side of the television.
  • Armstrong was diagnosed with testicular cancer in 1996, and medical sources have confirmed that he was cured through the aid of performance enhancing cell-killing chemotherapy.
  • He has been known to throw the contents of shot glasses over his shoulder when drinking with friends to win friendly games of "Who can drink the most".
  • It has been revealed that he was only took his first win at the Tour de France (in the stage from Ch├ólons-sur-Marne to Verdun) because he had written all the answers on his wrist in pen.
"My ruthless desire to win at all costs served me well on the bike", explained Armstrong, "but the level it went to, for whatever reason, is a flaw. That desire, that attitude, that arrogance. Is that your watch, Oprah? I bet you I can run around this room twenty times in two minutes and you have to give me your watch. No, it's not fair if you have your eyes open."

No comments:

Post a Comment

I love comments. Love 'em. However, abusive or spam or Anonymous ones may well be sent straight to the bin. Thems the rules.