Monday, January 07, 2013

Childrens ITV; The truth, revealed.

As part of its 30th birthday celebrations, Children's television channel CITV hosted a hugely popular weekend of "Old Skool" shows from its archives, with classic shows that included Press Gang, Dangermouse, Rosie & Jim and Knightmare. It was considered by many to be a huge success, but one CITV employee in particular could not bring himself to watch any of them or be any part of the birthday celebrations.

For he is one amongst an unfortunate few who know the true nature of CITV.

In an exclusive interview with a source who wishes to remain anonymous, we can finally reveal the climate of fear and secrecy that existed behind closed doors at Childrens Independent Television - a story of abuse spanning decades that has, to this date, remained a closely guarded secret.

Our mystery source. To ensure his safety, we have
preserved his anonymity.
We met with our source in a small London coffee shop of his choosing. Small and unassuming, he was visibly shaking as he watched us approach. His timid voice was barely audible and we found ourselves having to lean in closely to hear what he had to say.

"Before we begin", he whispered, "You have to promise me that you won't give away my identity. What I'm about to tell you could blow CITV apart and I know full well what has happened to whistle-blowers in the past. Let's just say that the head of Childrens programming at CITV boasts the only pink fluffy slippers I've ever seen that have eyelashes and they silenced Zippy... permanently. And Bungle.. Oh god, poor Bungle-Bonce..."

A tear rolls down his cheek, splashing onto the saucer on his table. We give him a few moments to compose himself.

"I know that my own story is worse than many of the others. My own tale is a catalogue of abuse spanning two generations - as I was passed from father to son. The showbiz life was fun at first - I loved the attention, the smiling children, the constant diet of custard pies - but I soon realised this was merely a facade.. and then the true horror began."

It transpires that Children's ITV was a front - a front for a puppet-abuse ring some fifty years old.

"They were all in on it", he silently mutters, "Tommy Boyd, Gudrun Ure, Rod, Jane, Freddy, Timmy Mallet, Rod Hull. We were just playthings to them - treated as little more than inanimate objects to be passed around, beaten, shoved in boxes and covered with garishly coloured toxic gunge. If we were really unlucky, we'd have to face mallets mallet. Timmy would use that on us without hesitation. Spit the Dog, Roland Rat, Gilbert the alien - all of us, prisoners."

"In the very early days many of us rebelled and tried to fight or escape to the BBC", he continued, "but it was all futile. When I was first bought here I had a canine friend in the same predicament - who I'm still working with to this day. He was brave, defiant, headstrong and managed to escape - but was quickly recaptured and brought back. Betrayed by a Panda - a fifth columnist amongst our tiny puppet rebellion. And they damaged him - damaged him in ways I can't begin to imagine, both physically and mentally - and he never spoke properly again. And never spoke of what they did to him. He's now just a shell - a shadow of his former self."

"At least Emu got his revenge.", he whispered, "That's a small mercy."

Visibly broken, he rocks back and forth in his chair, muttering a repeated phrase almost too silent for us to pick up.

"Izzy wizzy, lets get busy. Izzy wizzy, lets get busy. Izzy wizzy, lets get busy. Izzy wizzy, lets get busy. Bye bye everybody, bye bye."

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