Monday, December 17, 2012

NRA defiant about poorly timed "Shooty the Squirrel" campaign

The controversial figure of Shooty the Squirrel
FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA: A spokesman for the NRA today defended their controversial new Christmas advertising campaign promoting their new junior range of NRA-endorsed weaponry.

"Shooty the Squirrel is a cheeky little scamp and a mischief to all those in his home in the magical Make-a-wish forest.", said NRA Spokesperson Lionel Massacre, "If he's not naughtily stealing pots of honey from Sam the rainbow Bear, burying acorns and filling up the underground home of Mr Snuggle-Up mole or stealing carrots from the vegetable patch of a furious Giggly Rabbit, he's vehemently defending his tree top home with the Israeli manufactured Uzi 9mm blowback-operated submachine gun. Which, as an American squirrel, is his God given right to do."

"The legendary UZI is one of the most famous brands of firearm on the planet, and can truly be regarded as both a 20th and 21st century design classic. Since its introduction the weapon has been in service by Secret Services, Army, Special Forces, Police and fictional anthropomorphised rodents worldwide. And it's small size makes it a perfect size for school satchels or to sit taped beneath teachers desks, and it's minimal recoil makes it perfect for tiny hands."

This really exists. No shit. This isn't even photoshopped.
This shit is real. I hate this planet. Seriously.
"Because as we all know, it's not the loose checks performed making firearms easily available to the disenfranchised and mentally ill that is the problem - it's the fact that people simply aren't able to defend themselves. With the aid of Shooty, we plan to put a stop to all that. I mean, it can't make it any worse, right?."

"With his loveable catchphrase 'You can prise it from my cold dead paws' he's sure to be a hit with children of all ages. Along with his adorable Make-a-wish forest friends Heston the Survivalist raccoon and Charlton the Loner Moose."

Figures should be available in the shops in time for Christmas - Articulated miniatures of all of the inhabitants of the Make-a-wish forest and an Okey-Doke Corral playset.

Tufty was, at the time of going to press, unavailable for comment.

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