Wednesday, January 05, 2011

The River looks like a snake

Dear Brian Kirkwood, Executive producer of Eastenders,

I imagine you've opened this letter with that inevitable sinking feeling, suspecting I'm one of the 3400 that is complaining about your recent proposterous and controversial cot death storyline.  However, rest assured, this letter is a little more in-depth than that.  I'd like to complain about the unrealism of Eastenders in general.

Firstly, I note that your popular soap opera contains a wide array of characters from a wide array of cultures.  This is indeed to be commended and I don't believe for a second what many of your detractors say that this is to simply to tick certain ethnic boxes.  However none of them, despite how much they might earn, seem to possess a washing machine.  Does Walford happen to unfortunately fall outside the delivery range of any local branches of Comet, Curries, etc?  Perhaps you could address this issue by introducing the character of an out-of-work washing machine repair man who could mention the phonemenon - Might I suggest the wonky mouthed man from the Calgon adverts?  He hasn't been on telly for a while so might well need the work.

Might I also suggest that you adopt a similiar technique to Coronation Street and invent either some fictional brands of drinks or at the very least a brewery name?  This way when drinking at the Queen Vic, characters could ask for a specific type of beer as opposed to just generically requesting "a lager" or "a bitter".  I am often found frequenting pubs and am used to my fellow patrons asking for specific brands, and I feel that if you perform this simple action you could add a touch of realism to your bar scenes.

I felt I also needed to address the ridiculous levels of Soapus Subterfugus affecting your cast, but this is one common across many other soap operas other than your own, so perhaps this isn't best addressed through this missive - and also might come across as a little self-referential in bringing your attention to one of my own blog posts which wasn't very well received.

Also, I know that it is common in your storylines to hinder a character in some way, perhaps through some manner of illness or addiction.  However, might I remind you that memories are short and that at least you treat said afflictions in a realistic manner?  Jack Branning seemed to recover from complete lifelong paralysis in about twenty minutes, almost the same length of time that the entirety of Phil Mitchells Crack addiction spanned.  Still, this is from a show where even death itself is not an obstacle to returning (I refer you to Dirty Den), so perhaps this is to be expected.  The only realistic approach I've seen to illness is with Jim Brannings stroke, but this is a genuine affliction of the actor himself so perhaps shouldn't be tarred with the same brush.

Finally, I won't actually send this letter because it's pointless.  Unlike many out there, I'm aware you produce a work of fiction.  And not a particularly good piece of fiction at that.  One shouldn't expect your cot death storyline to be well handled, because it really needn't be.  It's not real.  You create fiction to cause controversy because this sells newspapers, creates interest and gets people watching your show.

Sorry for wasting your time.

Yours faithfully,
David Court

If you have been affected by any of the issues in this evenings episode of Eastenders, then our care team are waiting for your call.
I have!  I developed and broke a cocaine addiction in a fortnight, was imprisoned by my psychopathic spouse in a cellar in my house, beat an abusive old man to death with a Queen Victoria statue and found out that I'm my own mum!  Hello!  Hello?
*lines goes dead*

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