You've got the look

Health chiefs across the UK issued a strong warning about the possibility of a new health crisis this winter; identified from a rising number of cases which may indeed lead the to the possibility of a epidemic.

Dr. Barbara Meringue, of Milton Keynes Village Practice, said: "What was once a level yearly number of occurrences seems to be on the rise this winter, and appears to be affecting primarily adults.  Although we'd like to stress that the general public should remain calm as at present the condition seems only to affect adults in dramatised fiction."

The particular strain, Soapus Subterfugus (nicknamed "The Soap Look") is categorised by a complete inability to hide ones emotions, but only when not being observed by the individual to whom these emotions are involved with.

"Its believed", Meringue continues, "that the original strain was born from cultures amongst the folds of skin on the back of Valerie Tatlock, Ken Barlows first wife, back in 1962.  Health officials had carefully isolated it back then, albeit after it had managed to briefly infect the cast of Z Cars.  We'd thought it was subsequently under control, but then the strain went missing at a Christmas party, and you know how it is.  It was never considered dangerous at the time, so the necessary precautions weren't made.  And rumours that the strain was deliberately released in a weaponised form to euthanise the cast of Eldorado are, of course, utter bobbins"

Doctor Steven Amoxicillin D.A.B. is the head of the Reginald Cox Research unit in Northampton, and reveals some of the telltale signs of how one suffering from Soapus Subterfugus can be clearly identified.

"This is nothing to do with me", says Amoxicillin, "My research primarily centres on the phenomenon of characters primarily leaving soap operas in taxis or to the accompaniment of happy music.  I'm not sure how you even got my number.   Please leave me alone.  My colleague Tim Ainsley-Harriott is the one who deals with all that bollocks".

Ainsley-Harriott elaborates; "Most of us, in a non fictional way, find it very easy to hide our true emotions.  Indeed, it's what enables us to function as human beings.  Indeed, many fictional characters find it easy as well unless under extreme emotional stress, which is what seems to trigger the condition.  Take the recently deceased Molly from Coronation Street as an example.  When confronted with a simple everyday scenario such as a lunch with husband and friends she's more than capable of operating in a normal human capacity.  However, as soon as none of them can actually see her face, for example when she's walking away from the table or in the kitchen, for instance, she's incapable of doing anything with her face other than gurning it big-style into a cornucopia of guilt-ridden harrowed expressions."

"The most common trigger point", he continues, "appears to be 'the hug'.  Take a recent case study of Janine Butcher, recently responsible for poisoning her husband in a not-at-all over-the-top typical seasonal soap plot.  When telling her husband he'll be well soon as long as he continues to take his (poisoned) medicine, her face is open, honest and concerned.  However, when she closes in for 'the hug', her expression is one of utter hatred.  Luckily for sufferers, this condition is always easy to identify because the camera ensures that the sufferer is the focus of attention and that none of us could possibly miss the emotion etched upon their face."

"We're indeed incredibly lucky", continues Ainsley-Harriott, "that the directors of said fictional dramas believe that we, the viewing public, aren't capable of understanding the subtleties and nuances of human emotion, so therefore feel obliged to hammer everything home in a manner such as this.  If not for the directors of fictional dramas believing that we're all stupid idiots who wouldn't understand an emotion unless it was ploughed into our stupid thoughtvacant faces with a 16lb emotion jack hammer, this unfortunate condition would largely go unnoticed".

Are you, or anybody you know, suffering from Soapus Subterfugus?  The Kilroy team circa 2004 would love to hear from you.  Drop the team a call on Channel BBC-52560.