ATOS officially classify Undead as "fit to work"

A Zombie.  Yesterday.

Following the Apocalypse last Thursday when graves, morgues and mortuaries across the globe spewed forth their hungry undead, British Government ministers have been in constant meetings in an attempt to both understand and deal with the ravenous and insatiable plague of shambling reanimated corpses.

Arguments have raged in the House of Commons about the cause of said injurious outbreak but these have to date been inconclusive. Returning space probes, the accidental release of a deadly virus caused by Animal Liberation Fanatics, God striking down a hideous curse upon mankind or Hell simply being full have all been suggested but there is, as of yet, no overwhelming proof tending towards any theory.

However, a press briefing from ATOS (the IT firm responsible carrying out checks for the government to determine who should receive benefits) yesterday announced that any such cadaver that has been resurrected has been officially reclassified from "deceased" to "Fit to work".

"Events of the last week alone", explained Joseph Pilato of ATOS, "have shown without a shadow of a doubt that being dead is no longer the hindrance to career opportunities as it once was. There is no reason a member of the Undead cannot be a productive member of Cameron's Big Society."

"We mustn't dwell on the slight inconveniences that this zombie plague (or "The Unique Undead opportunity" as we're rebranding it) have caused. Food camps and having to live within electric fenced compounds isn't that much of a change of lifestyle for many anyway - and of course the fact that the zombie is no longer officially classified as deceased and therefore life insurance payments will immediately be halted will boost the economy considerably - not to mention that we simply won't have to pay out any pensions anymore. Burial plots, no longer being necessary as they're all currently vacant, can also be converted to cheap affordable housing."

"And we're now at a unique point in society where we have a huge body of society that can take place in Workfare schemes without complaining about it. The Zombie (or "Reincarnated Special Citzen" as they shall be known as) is more than capable of carrying out menial tasks. Farmers will always need Scarecrows, and Tesco and Sainsbury's and several of the rail networks have expressed a very keen interest in employing the restless dead."

"And as for their limited reasoning powers, there are always Tory cabinet positions available and Boris can't be Lord Mayor for ever", concluded Pilato.

Lori Cardille, a former school dinner lady and now restless rotting member of the Undead who are legion, did not comment on these recent developments. In as much as she moaned the hollow sound of the damned as she approached and tried to gnaw the knees of the photographer.

Update Schmupdate

New Years Resolution: Must update blog more.

Well, another resolution fucked up :) Still, this can be the first of a flurry of posts now life is returning to normal and I'm discovering the existence of free time again.

First, my mum. Regular steroid treatments have definitely caused the lymphoma to shrink, but she's been in and out for regular tests to find exactly where the cancer is. Two weeks ago she started losing her balance and found herself incapable of walking, and now the doctors think they may have damaged her back whilst performing a variety of biopsies. Her and dad just came to visit, and it was good to see them again. She's in good spirits, although worried - and dreading the doctors cutting into her back again.

Secondly, work. The product has reached the finals of an industry award which is being presented next month. This is one rare thing in my life I'm being very smug about; I did 99% of the work on it, after all. Sometimes seems all the hard work was worth while - the customer is happy, and that makes me happy.

Anyway, I promise regular updates in future. I have a lot to blog about now, so watch this space. Pax.

A brief period of calm

Wow. What a few months it has been. I've a lot to get off my chest, so excuse me if this blog comes across as more of a sprawling rant than the others!

The big project at work went live on time, but not without a herculean effort. We took on another member of staff but she turned out to be just as poor as the first guy (although it took us longer to discover this and was only really uncovered after her multiple attempts to sabotage our efforts). To this end (and I'm not blowing my own trumpet here, merely stating the truth) I pretty much developed the entire system myself and it nearly killed me. 7 odd weeks working 7 days a week, up to 15 hours a day. My boss and I nearly fell out on a number of occasions, such was the level of stress, and I'm sure I must have written a letter of resignation at least half a dozen times during the project.

The customer has been running the software for around a month now and apart from the odd minor glitch (not unexpected in a development that, due to the nature of the project and the timescales I was making up as I was going along) seems to be doing exactly what it says on the tin. Customer is happy and telling us that they will need to enhance the software in the new year to cover the rest of their UK operations and not just London.

The 7 weeks was made worse by the fact that Mum has been ill. What she thought was a back ache turned out to be two collapsed vertebrae and during the treatment of this (by creating concrete replacements) they've found cancer in the form of lymphoma in her back. They start finding out how to treat this next week, but it's a huge worry for all.

On a positive note though, I have a new member of staff - as of a fortnight ago I had two but one of them quit three days into the job - I don't think our company suited her. He's a nice guy, gets the job done and is proving to be a good assistant. I'm interviewing again next week to fill in the final position - All working towards me being able to have a holiday!

So, fingers crossed I'm entering a period of calm. Hope you all have a great christmas (those of you I don't see or speak to before then) and hope all is good.

Glum with a capital G

Yesterday I had to sack somebody. It's something I've never done before, but something I felt to do - but more on that later.

When I started with my current employer (almost ten years ago to the day) I was one developer in a team of five. I'd been headhunted from my previous job, and all seemed well for a while until the companies fortunes turned bad and one by one the developers were made redundant. Work would briefly pick up again and we'd employ somebody else, but it seemed for a while that being trained by me in any skill was the kiss of death. Getting trained up by me and then being made redundant wasn't that unusual an event.

We moved offices and things seemed to be okay again, but then we lost a major support contract (not my department, but affected the fortunes of the company all the same) and things got a lot worse.

Two years ago I found myself the last developer. A very good friend of mine who I worked with was the last person to be made redundant. It was bad for a while, but ultimately there wasn't a great deal of work - just enough to tide me over in new development and supporting existing products.

Recently however (I.e. in the last month or so) things have picked up again in a major way. We've scored a huge contract that could potentially change the fortunes of the company forever - five years minimum with serious money associated. I was told by management that we simply had to employ new people and this is understandable. I can't support existing products as well as develop the new one in a very short timescale.

We approached an agency who have usually been reliable in the past and interviewed two candidates. The interview was very informal (as is the way of my company) and both candidates were very good. After deliberating over which one to choose over the weekend I made my decision and the guy started last Monday.

The initial day went very well; he was asking the right questions, seemed to be picking things up and was all in all a very nice chap. Polite yet a little quiet, but I was upbeat about the whole thing.

Tuesday was when we showed him the systems and what he would be doing. He looked a little bewildered but that was fair enough - there was a lot to take in. I showed him the programs he would be required to learn and change, and that was when the trouble started.

I left him alone for an hour thinking he was studying the Oracle forms code, but when I checked up on him a window was visible in his toolbar reading "Oracle tutorial" that he'd quickly hidden. I gave him some simple functions to write but by the afternoon after poring over them for several hours he admitted he'd never written a function in SQL - pretty basic stuff, I would have thought, especially considering his CV revealed him to be a skilled developer "in both commercial and academic fields".

That evening I didn't sleep very well. I wasn't sure which way to take this - was I being too demanding or was it that he simply didn't know what he was doing? I described my concerns to my managing director the next day and said I'd leave it a few hours and give him some simpler tasks.

Simpler stuff still confused him equally. I could hear him tutting, turning pages noisily across all the documentation I'd given him. Stuff I'd explained to him three times still confused him and my heart sank.

I met my MD outside while he was on a cigarette break and told him I didn't think it was going to work. I'd already wasted two and a half days trying to train this guy and didn't want to waste any more. My MD offered to do the deed but I thought it fairer coming from me - I was the one he'd been working with and it would have been insulting to him for the words to come from anybody else.

I took him inside a side room and explained the situation. I needed a developer I could rely on and one who could work quickly, and that I thought he was out of his depth. I explained that I thought he would struggle, especially when the work started becoming more and more difficult over the coming weeks. My MD wouldn't be as tolerant as me waiting for code, and that we would have to let him go.

It became apparent that his skills didn't lie in the work he had applied to do at our company. Whether this was the fault of the agency who had put him forward for the job, or this individual in exaggerating the skills on his CV - Meh, it didn't matter. We shook hands, I told him we'd pay him for the full three days and he was gone. I felt like shit, despite the fact I also felt more than slightly cheated.

Ultimately though, we now need another developer. I had the bright idea of approaching one of my old friends - the last guy I'd worked with there - and we met up this evening to discuss it. I'm not very eloquent and I don't think I could adequately put over how good an opportunity this is. This contract could be incredible for our business and I could comfortably see myself in charge of a large department of people again because of it, and I'd desperately and genuinely like him to be a part of it.

He replied that he was interested but at an unrealistically high fee that I couldn't even put before my managing directors. I explained that we couldn't meet that, and he took it okay, but it doesn't help with the fact that I feel like utter shit. I had this perfect vision of me working with again - we were a fantastic development team, the two of us - but that is not going to happen now.

I'm feeling more than a little down. I wish I could explain the potential of this new business better, but I clearly didn't. A more eloquent man, a salesman could have convinced him, but I can't do so. He's been let down once by my company, and his reluctance is understandable.

Apologies for length - I just felt the need to rant. See ya.