Who can't watch the Watchmen?

Being the legal upstanding citzen I am, when I ordered my copy of Watchmen on Blu-ray I decided to spend a couple of quid more to get something Paramount Films are pushing at the moment - a legal digital copy of it on a seperate DVD, the intention being to bung it on my ipod.

The inlay came with a little sheet of paper with a unique code. I dutifully inserted the DVD into my PC and typed in the code when prompted. I was asked whether I wished to transfer the file to itunes or Media Player, and I made my choice, clicked 'Transfer Now' and then -

my PC crashed.

"No worries", I thought, "I'll try again". But oh no, Paramount are wise to my little piracy games. Of course I must be trying to download it a second time so I can distribute it to all my friends, terrorist cells and Blackbeard the fucking Pirate King.

"You have exceeded the maximum number of transfers for this digital copy".

"No worries", I thought (again), "I'll just click on this helpful link and bring this little issue to the attention of the lovely people at Paramount". I followed various links until I was prompted to type my problem in a thoughtfully provided little box. I clicked 'Send' and waited. And waited.After two days of no reply, I tried again. My wording may have been a little more aggressive this time, and I may have mentioned I'd already logged this problem with them once.

That was 3 weeks ago. Having read some FAQ files lurking around their site I have to let them know in writing why my transfer failed - that appears to be in the form of actually writing them a letter, my email won't suffice. Of course they haven't sent me an email to tell me this - in fact it's all been very quiet in my inbox on the Paramount front. So, what I thought was a great idea at preventing piracy has had exactly the opposite effect that Paramount would want - I'm tempted to torrent the fucking thing just so I can watch it on a handheld device.

Good work, Paramount.

Who watched the Watchmen?

Me, thats who. In an earlier post I mentioned how I considered it sacrosanct and unfilmable, how any filmed work could never do the source material justice, blah de blah de blah. Well, it would appear to be a monumental day indeed because it's a day that the "Things David has got wrong" notice board gets another entry. This takes the noticeboard up to 17 items now.

There are going to be spoilers in this review by the way, so if you haven't seen it yet, don't fucking blame me. Go and see it.

Zack Snyder (previously of the way-better-than-remakes-should-ever-be Dawn of the Dead remake and the juvenile but beautiful 300) has done a brilliant job of capturing not only the essence of the source material but also gone some considerable way of replicating its look and style. I've owned the graphic novel since 1985 and its worn out cover and pages are testament to how many times I've read it - Looking at again, it's clear that Snyder has almost used the comics as a storyboard - many scenes are identically framed and paced.

From the opening scenes with the death of the Comedian and the utterly fantastic opening credits - (I can't wait for the DVD release just to watch the credits again, they really are that amazing - Even having Bob Dylan singing over the top of them didn't annoy - thats how good they are) - I was transfixed. I was still prepared for a let down though; I remember being transfixed in Judge Dredd at the opening shots of Mega City One, but we all know how shit that ended up.

It's a long film, but it's a long book. The screenplay does a brilliant job of weeding out elements that seemed critical in the comics at the time (The origin of how Rorscach got his distinctive - and brilliantly realised in the film, by the way - mask, the Police interviewing Dan Dreiberg and subsequently raiding his apartment and discovering his true identity, etc) but would have slowed the pacing of the film and been quite unnecessary.

Kudus to Jackie Earle Haley for his portrayal of Rorscach - Exactly as I imagined him in the comics. Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Patrick Wilson (who I'd seen before in the excellent Hard Candy) as The Comedian and Nite Owl are also pitch-perfect performances. The only real let down was Malin Akerman as Silk Spectre 2 - a dreadful piece of acting. She seemed completely incapable of conveying any emotion whatsoever - more wooden than the scenery.

From the trailers and clips I didn't think Doctor Manhattan would work - However, 90% of the time he's an absolute triumph. The only genuine superhuman in the film, his origin tale (however cliched - scientist gets super powers by an accident at work) is spot on. I have always personally felt that there aren't enough glowing blue penises in films, and Watchmen goes some way to redress that balance.

Bad points? An unnecessary and quite embarassing sex scene towards the final third of the film that all seems a bit gratuitous for my liking, and the fake prosthetic nose on Nixon made him look a spitting image version of himself - but thats pretty much all the criticism I can muster.

The ending has been changed somewhat from the comics, but if anything I think this new ending makes more sense. I don't think the original would have worked on the film - If anything it would seem a little far-fetched and out of touch with the realism the film is trying to convey. We've already accepted Doctor Manhattans powers - a faked alien invasion would have seemed a little out of place. If anything it gives greater justification for Jon deciding to leave Earth permanently as well.

So, I was wrong. Watchmen deserves a hearty nine and half smily blood spattered badges out of 10.3 smily blood spattered badges. It's not perfect, but it's damn close.

..and the accompanying picture for this review? Look here. The second picture was made by yours truly.

I gave up insisting you call them graphic novels when I realised I wasn't ashamed of the fact that they're comics

Inspired to post this by both a drunken conversation held last night and a brief forum discussion yesterday with the ever entertaining Dan Cross (who has one of the most entertaining and readable blogs out there at the moment), let me briefly touch upon Zack "300 is the most heterosexual film out there" Snyders forthcoming epic Watchmen.

Watchmen was a seminal DC mini series from the 1980s, as guilty as The Dark Knight Returns, Maus and Archie meets the Punisher for completely reinventing the genre and making comics for adults again. By this stage though, gentle reader (I nicked that from Stan Lee) as soon as you've read the word comics you'll already have decided whether you're interested in this or not.

Watchmen is an epic tale, grandiose in tale, regarding retired super heroes in a world that no longer needs them dealing with a conspiracy way larger than any of them can appreciate. It's bold, daring, uses narrative techniques previously unseen in comics and truly is (and its a phrase I'm loathe to use, but will nonetheless) a work of art.

Which is why it should NEVER be made into a film.

I truly am of the frame of mind that some things shouldn't be done because they hurt the thing that made them great in the first place. In drunken conversations I'll often (in fact, probably over predictably so) remark how the matrix sequels ruin the original film. Just because something CAN be done (and in this case, it's special effects boffins realising that some of the visual effects in the film are actually achievable now) it doesn't mean that it should.

For one, the film is too detailed and colourful to fit into a single film (unless it had an eight hour running time, and I don't think Hollywood is quite prepared for that). The comic works because of the length - as a reader, we've invested quite a lot into the history and background of the characters we're reading about. To condense this would make Watchmen appear to be just another superhero movie, which is the LAST thing it should be about. It should be about legacy, heroism and that overwhelming eighties fear of nuclear oblivion and NOT about interesting CGI set pieces that turn it into Fantastic Four 2: Rise of the Silver Surfer.

Watchmen is now so far along the Hollywood conveyor belt that the publicity machine has now kicked in proper. The first photographs of the sets and costumes have been revealed (I could link to them, but you could just as easily find them yourself. I'm too depressed by them to do it) and by the time it's out it will blend into the other summer blockbusters.

I really hope I'm wrong, but I fear I'm going to sit down and watch another Judge Dredd. I really hope that I'm wrong on this one. It's been known.