Coventry City Football Club - Stadium move confirmed

Asteroid A2/11zf. Yesterday.

The trouble stricken League One Club are preparing to kick off their new campaign against Bristol City more than 4,211 miles from the city after failed negotiations with Arena Coventry Limited (ACL), the owners of the Ricoh Arena.

Coventry have reluctantly agreed a deal with the Football League to play on the barren oxygen starved wastes of Asteroid A2/11zf for the next three years, with Chief Executive Tim Fisher insisting they plan to be playing back on Earth, if not in the city, within that time frame and in a new stadium.

Both a successful real world and online campaign have seen Coventry supporters planning to boycott games held on the freezing cold rocky asteroids surface and their plight has earned the sympathy of other club up and down the country, but Fisher insists that there was no alternative but to move out of the confines of Earths atmosphere.

"The move is regrettable, it's painful", Tim Fisher says. "The fans are right not to be delirious about playing on a grey and barren shattered planetesimal remnant just a short distance away from Mars - and we don't want to do that either. However, that is the only option we've got and it's with a heavy heart that we've had to move"

"It's an absolute joke is what is is," said long time City Supporter Gary Mabuttsnee, "I've been a Sky Blues supporter for all my life but I'm not willing to sacrifice 300 days on a round trip to travel more than 4000 miles under current space technology limitations. Added to the fact that to plan such a journey would set me back approximately 4 billion pounds, and I can't justify that kind of money - especially as I've just bought the new kit for my son."

Coventry remain in administration and were deducted ten points in March to effectively end their slim hopes of making last season's play-offs.

"We must stress that this will not be a permanent move", continued Fisher, "but this has worked for other teams in the past - I'm of course referring to Wimbledons move to the magical realms of Eternia back in 1991 - and we can confirm that we're currently in discussions to build a new stadium in Coventry. And we intend for it to be made of solid gold. Solid fucking gold, you hear that, ACL? DID YOU HEAR THAT?"

Ball Ball Ball Footy Footy Footy

Now, what I know about football could quite comfortably be written with a large black marker pen on one of those oval shaped balls that people who play football (I think they call them “Footballateers”) use. Sport to me is something that other people do, which is good because on the whole it means I don’t have to watch them doing it.

That’s actually a slight exaggeration – I have a vague interest in my home team (Coventry City) and how well they’re doing, and I have been known, on occasion to watch the European Football Championships or the World Cup. I’ll admit I don’t fully understand the offside rule, still struggle to see how footballers can command such ridiculous wages and confess that football struggles to keep my entire interest during the course of the 90 minutes, but I’m not a complete stranger to the game.

So it was with some trepidation that I was nagged – yes, that’s the word for it, nagged – into going to see the final home game of the season on Saturday the 30th of April. Coventry City (safe from relegation but lingering at the bottom third of the npower Championship table) versus Reading (4th or 5th at the time, I can’t recall). I tried to weasel my way out of it, but my wife Tara (a much bigger football fan than I) wasn’t having any of it. Saying that she was ‘disappointed’ was the only female trick she needed to pull out to guilt me into going.

So, Saturday afternoon saw Tara and myself accompanied by Tom, Fran and my dad and Taras mum on the sunny short walk along Longford Canal to the Ricoh Stadium. I’ve been to the Ricoh before, but never to the stadium part – my visits have been either for free tickets to see The Enemy (or for absolutely dreadful meals) or to visit the Tesco superstore next door (and Borders bookstore as well, when it still existed).

Spirits were high as we headed in and I must confessed as we entered the Ricoh itself I couldn’t help but point out to Tara that I was actually quite excited – something I’d never expected to happen. To be honest on my approach I was just looking forward to the end of the whole thing. If you’ve never been into the Ricoh, the Stadium itself is very impressive and sitting in amongst the huge crowds (Attendance was around 22,000 if memory serves) was quite an experience.

(As an aside, strictly speaking this wasn’t my first ever football match. I think I went to my only other match at Coventrys considerably grottier old ground back in Highfield Road around 1980 to see them play Tottenham, but my memories of that day are quite vague.)

Reading had a good turnout, but mind you they’re only down the road. We watched with amusement as many of them had large pink inflatable penises confiscated from them, not something you see every Saturday. Unless you live in Reading, perhaps.

Irate Coventry City Fan Willie Tanner

Only slightly unnerved by the fact that I was sitting right behind Willie Tanner (not in fact a buffing device for large pink inflatable penises, but the dad from eighties TV series Alf) and him getting quite irate at points – at one stage looking like he wanted to fight all of the Reading fans singlehandedly – the game was surprisingly entertaining. Especially surprising to me in that I wasn’t bored for the whole duration of the game, and really enjoyed it.

The new strip was unveiled, the game was great and the chants were funny and good natured, except for some of the choicier and distasteful ones about Coventry Striker (and convicted Sex offender) Marlon King ("She said no marlon! she said no. she said no, Marlon, she said no.")

But at least we got the hear the classic (and my own personal favourite) “In Our Coventry Homes”

In our Coventry homes, in our Coventry homes
We speak with an accent exceedingly rare,
You want a cathedral we've got one to spare,
in our Coventry homes.

Ok, so it was a 0-0 draw but Coventry played excellently.  But this of course means I have to go again next season so I can at least see a goal. I think the real winner of the day was football, game of two halves, sick as a parrot, etc.

Enough is enough.

If you’re anything like me (and unless you’re 5 foot eight with greying hair and poor eyesight, then it’s frankly unlikely) then you, like me, must be grateful for the existence of a small group of brave, valiant and largely unthanked souls who exist solely to warn us about very genuine dangers to which we’d otherwise be completely unaware of.

I speak of course of the likes of Neil Millard who revealed to our populace evidence of a frighteningly real and terrifying Orwellian future in which we suddenly find ourselves. That in which our loyal football supporters find themselves unable to carry out that very simple sign of loyalty, the proud hoisting of flags and the wearing of the national sides football shirt. In scenes reminiscent of the darker bits of Children of Men, Police brute squads are marching ‘twixt pub and bar arresting and threatening all those who carry out this so called “intimidatory” act of National solidarity.

But where would soldiers like Neil Millard be without that loyal rank-and-file stalwart of honour and justice, the man on the street? Nowhere, that’s where. And that’s a rubbish place to be. Luckily even in this Con/Dem nation* where free thought is outlawed, the powers-that-be can’t suppress the word on the street being spread through the power of the internet, specifically via that last bastion of free speech, Facebook.

And word is spreading.

POLICE ARE GOING AROUND PUBS AND CLUBS SAYING THAT WE CANT WEAR OUR NATIONS TOPS FOR THE FOOTBALL AND WE HAVE TO TAKE THE FLAGS DOWN AS ITS UPSETTING IMMIGRANTS THAT DON’T COME FROM HEERE! NOW IM NOT RACIST BUT THIS IS GOING TOO FAR! THIS IS OUR COUNTRY AND WE NEED TO MAKE A STAND IF THEY DON’T LIKE IT THEN GO HOME! WOULD YOU.. REMOVE.. YOUR TURBAN AND BURKHA BECAUSE IT UPSETS ME!!POST THIS STATUS IF YOU AGREE!

Almost like a mantra, the murmurs gathered pace. A cleverly designed message of power with almost all traces of correct syntax or grammar deliberately removed to assist its followers in avoiding detection. The message was cleverly worded from the outset to avoid offending anybody – it even states quite clearly that the person holding this opinion isn’t racist (except for where it’s been cleverly reworded in certain individuals statuses to quite the opposite effect), so who could potentially see this as offensive and as anything but a rallying cry for the masses? A simple outpouring of opinion – a declarative intent that the line is being drawn in the sand and this nonsense shall go no further.

The powers-that-be were panicked into action. Using a flimsy curtain of facts, they responded to this with some cleverly disguised propaganda.

But those who know the truth remain undaunted and unshaken in their resolve. And a mere two days ago Bothan spies (many of whom died bringing us this information) leaked information of a much darker truth – namely, that the horrors revealed by Neil Millard were merely of a sinister Phase 1 of a darker and far more twisted plot than any sane man could consider.

Not only are our brave (not racist) citizens unable to wear their football tops and hoist their gaily coloured flags, but Facebook will also start charging them for the privilege of not being able to do so.

Make a stand. Let the powers-that-be know that enough is enough. I can’t go on, I can go on no more, no. Enough is enough. I want him out, I want him out that door now. Enough is enough.

Let your individual feelings be known by joining the herd. You know it makes sense.

* - Look, it reads “Condemnation”. See what I did there?