Dear Orange Network Automated Lady Voice

Dear Orange Network Automated Lady Voice,

I'll be straight with you - my dads old mobile phone was rubbish.  Those v-tech laptops from Argos had more functionality.  Because I'm a loving and caring son, I thought I'd treat him to a new one for Christmas with a new Orange Sim - because I think he wants to come kicking and screaming into the 21st century by having access to his emails and the web so he can stare at his mobile phone screen for hours when out having dinner as well.

It started badly when I tried to put some credit on it - The web-link in the little brochure that came with the phone came back with a "404 - Page not found".

So I looked on the website for the phone number to ring, and was told by a polite lady that the number I'd called didn't exist anymore and she gave me another number (you know, you might want to put that new number on your website to replace the non-existent one - just saying).

So, trying this new number, I spoke to you.

You were polite and helpful, telling me that at any stage I could speak my answers or type them in. I'll forgive you for lying about the 'typing them in' bit, because you can't do that really, can you?

You asked me for his postcode, and after a couple of goes you got that right.  But congratulations where they're due - you got his house number first time.

But then you wanted the surname, and then things started going very wrong.

It's not Port.  Or Paul.  Or Calder.  And its definitely not Courtney.  You were beginning to make me feel like I had a speech impediment.

I could tell you were getting fed up after the fourth time - although to your automated credit, there wasn't a hint of it in your tone -  because you calmly said that my call would be passed to an actual human person.  Nice as it was speaking to you, there's nothing like speaking to a real human, is there?

Well, you tried.  But then you told me that I couldn't be transferred, because there wasn't any credit on the phone.  And then you hung up.

I could have told you about the no credit on the phone bit - you may recall that that was why I was ringing up.

You must have thought me a stalker as I called you again and again, but you still persisted in having problems with the surname. And you were insistent that we couldn't carry on talking if I didn't give that bit.

So I'm sorry to say - it's not you but it's me - but I had to seek help elsewhere.  I didn't bother looking in the out of date brochure but looked online instead.  You told me I could create a new account so I tried to do just that.

You asked me for the phone number which I'm afraid to say I didn't know.  Ordinarily I'd call another number from it to find out, but no credit, remember?

You told me I could do a free text to a phone number with the message 'my number' and you'd send me it back. And I was as surprised as anybody when this worked.

I even checked by calling that number from my mobile and my fathers new mobile phone rang!  Joy to the world!

So I tried to create a new account and you prompted me for the phone number, which I dutifully typed in and pressed Okay.  And you then told me that you didn't recognise the phone number.

And I'm really sorry because it all went downhill a little then - I called you from my mobile (which has credit) and spoke to an actual human person.  I may have spent a good five minutes ranting about how somebody should sort out their fucking website and how more difficult would Orange like to make it for me to give them some cunting money.  I swore a fair bit.  I'm not proud.  And it turned out that she wasn't any help whatsoever any way and just told me to use the website.

It slightly amused me that the number she gave me to ring was the one that doesn't exist anymore.

So, I think we're going to have to start seeing other people.  I really tried to make it work, but I can't see a future between us.

I'm sorry.

David Port Paul Calder Courtney

P.S. And while we're on a customer services theme, you may recall a post in the past I did called DPD Couriers Are Shit.  Well, imagine my dismay when something I ordered turned out to be delivered by them - and it couldn't have gone better.  You're given a delivery date and time and a website shows you the progress of the courier, what drop number you are and where they are at the moment. Utterly brilliant and the best service I've had from a courier in a long time.   It only falls slightly short of telling you what he's listening to in the van, his star sign and what he's having/had for dinner.  So I'd like to officially say that DPD Couriers are not shit. But Orange/Everything Everywhere - whatever they're calling themselves now - are.