Porn free / As free as the wind blows

I’d hazard an educated guess that as soon as mankind invented the concept of representing things in a pictorial form, pornographic images came into existence some time shortly afterwards.

There’ll be some undiscovered cave somewhere out in the middle of nowhere that hasn't been visited in 43,000 years that has an iconic representation portraying some crudely drawn cave-woman fellating some hairy caveman who’s just popped round to fix her fire (Not a euphemism, but as in the prehistorical equivalent of a boiler repairman).

If you peer closely enough at the Bayeux Tapestry there’s probably some hot girl on girl action happening behind a fight, and there will undoubtedly be a series of monochromatic lithographs depicting Victorian ladies in various stages of showing their ankles (which would have been kept hidden by Father who would have kept it hidden in his study until such a moment when he’d drag it out and it would cause his monocle to hilariously steam up when he got as far as the knees).

And then we move to the 1940's and 1950's where it was enforced by British Law that all women had to have pyramid shaped breasts and had to pose with strategically placed beach balls, and then to the 1970's where women weren't allowed to pose for pornography unless they had enough pubic hair to knit and fashion a reasonably sized fishermans jumper (or 1Mm – a “Magnums Moustacheworth” as the measurement came to be officially known as in the 1980's).

The seventies were the days when there was so much pornography produced – (indeed, during the three day week suggestions between 1970 and 1974 one of the ideas proposed by the Conservative Government at the time was to harness the energy from masturbation via some form of dynamo) - that government departments were specially set up to dispose of the excess in railway sidings and bushes and hedgerows besides the edge of canals. Government Information films of the time may have been warning us of the dangers of drowning in silage pits and/or stagnant lakes, talking to anthropomorphised cats called Charlie or learning to swim with Rolf Harris, but they hesitated to educate us as to the potential glorious bounties of finding brightly coloured soft-core grot whilst leaving concrete blocks on railway tracks or desperately trying to catch newts or submerged shopping baskets.

For the aforementioned reasons most of the late eighties and early nineties are a complete and utter blur. And that’s in the literal sense as in I’d open my curtains blinking and squinting at the sunlight like a bleached Gollum, my left arm withered, atrophied and quite useless.

And these were before the days of the internet – even the early days when it would take 40 minutes on dial-up modem to download a picture of Jo Guest one pixelated line at a time accompanied by the sound of a telephone screaming angrily. And that’d result in an image of such low quality it had the effective resolution of one face of a rubiks cube.

Honestly, even porn made in Minecraft would have a better image quality.

A triumph for the Daily Mail.  And its soft porn sidebar of shame.

And now we live in a world where only one tiny corner of the internet exists that doesn't actually have any pornographic content, a world where anything goes. Gym facilities regularly get abused, maids and cheerleaders do very little of the activity they claim to practice, tentacles get randomly and noisily squished into any orifice they can sneak into, the source of the NHS decline is available for all to see by the little amount of nursing that actually takes place – although bedside manner is still paramount, which comes as no small relief - but where any two or three words randomly thrown together constitute a genre of pornography.

Smurf Triffid porn? Probably. And if it doesn't exist now, give it a day or two. Father Abraham would be turning in his grave – and celebrities rotating in their tombs or graves is probably a sub-genre of pornography as well.

The world of hard-core pornography is a surreal alternative reality where all women are nymphomaniacs willing to have sex with even complete strangers at a moment’s notice, rarely wear any form of underwear regardless of whether the social situation dictates, and it is a world where all male ejaculate is applied liberally and facially. So is presumably a mirror universe where Dove or Oil of Olay isn't readily available.

It’s also a world in which being 36 years of age doesn't stop you being able to go to school, but that’s undoubtedly a result of the incredibly poor educational standards that will inevitably occur when teachers and pupils seem to spend most of their time fucking. Honestly, the disciplinary standards are sadly and disappointingly lacking (unless you WANT that type of porn, and then there’s loads of it). And it’s a world in which despite the apparent urgency of the initial call-out, gas boilers rarely get fixed (to Corgi standards or otherwise), so presumably it’s a reality in which there’s a lot of carbon monoxide poisoning or explosions – that also rarely get resolved, because the Fireman are all too busy having sex as well – sometimes even with each other. Shocking.

But all porn has now been officially deemed by David Cameron to be A VERY BAD THING™. In as much as buying beer from pubs is a VERY BAD THING™ and big Corporations not paying their taxes is a VERY BAD THING™

"Pornography is corroding our childrens minds", states self-proclaimed Expert David Cameron. Whereas I’d personally argue that the more negative influences on our childrens minds are the fact that if it were up to Good ol’ Dave they’ll have nothing to look forward to other than a prospect of never being able to afford to get educated and a lifetime of unemployment whilst constantly being derided by Dave and his chums for being a burden on society. And the only tits they’ll be able to see during this time are the ones telling them what they can do and see in Parliament.

So ironically the one man who wants you to stop seeing pornography is the biggest wanker of them all.

Whoddathoughtit?

Sign the petition. This is just the thin end of the wedge. When your government decides what you're responsible enough to be able to - and not be able to - view, it's the start of a slippery slope. The porn argument should be about responsible parenting, not about cutting it off at source and having to "opt in".

When we also, bizarrely, live in a country where we have to opt into giving up our organs after death, and not the opposite. So, consistency of a kind at least in that we have to opt into both what happens to our organs when they're out, or to see one going in and out.

Or alternatively I've got a job lot of pornography that needs distributing around the hedgerows and railway sidings of Great Britain. Who's with me?  IT'S YOUR CIVIC DUTY.