PS4 vs XBox One - The Verdict

As the next generation of games consoles begins in earnest, it's time for people everywhere to compare and rate the key differences between the two front-runners: Microsoft's XBox One and Sony's PS4.

1. Appearance.  The XBox One’s minimalist design is reminiscent of the entertainment equipment of the early 1980s.  Sony appear to have adopted a more modern look, the PS4’s sleeker design makes it look well better than Microsoft’s offering, and I bet the XBox doesn’t even fit in your bedroom because it’s so massive.

2. Online presence.  Much has been said about the XBox One having to be online to play games.  The new PS4 will not, mainly because Sony are well shit when it comes to online, they got hacked and had to apologise to the Prime Minister of Japan and pay about a million pounds in compensation then they had to commit suicide.

3. Processor speed.  The XBox One has got tons of gigs, which means it is totes fast.  Compared with the PS4’s gigs, which are like way worse, my new iPhone has even got more gigs than that and that’s at least a year old.  I bet the PS4 is going to be rubbish.

4. Memory.  The XBox One hasn’t even got more rams than PS4, I know ‘cos the man from GameStation said so.  It’s only got 8 rams so it’s going to be cack, anyway when the PS4 comes out I’m going to get one straight away and only losers get Microsoft stuff because it’s for old people.  I bet my gran gets an XBox One.  Your gran won’t because she can’t afford one.

5. Graphics.  Everyone knows that the PS4 is going to have better graphics, my telly is 80 inches and it’s going to fit on that.  My mum and dad got me a 80 inch TV and they’re going to get me a 100 inch one for my birthday.

6. Cost.  I’m getting an XBox One for Christmas because it costs more so it must be better.  You’re getting a Mega Drive from the charity shop and it’ll stink like your grandpa’s pissy trousers because it’s been in a charity shop for about fifty years.  The PS4 is going to cost 50p in a second hand shop because nobody will want one.

7. Games.  Lol, you’re a loser and you can’t even talk to me anymore because you’re off my friends list.  I’m going to play Call Of Duty, you can shoot a man’s head off and I bet you can’t even do that in Halo.  Halo is for girls.  I heard that when COD comes out for PS4 it’s going to be well better with more graphics and that’s why they want to bring it out on XBox One first so all the shit graphics are used up.