Monday, February 11, 2013

Findus; "You'll shovel our anonymously sourced swill into your gaping maw, and you'll fucking enjoy it."

As the controversy regarding horsemeat being found in Findus ready-meals continues into its third week, a Findus official press release was made available in the early hours of this morning.

To our loyal consumers,

We're of course horrified by the recent revelations that horsemeat has found itself into a number of our products. But we'll be honest in that we're all more horrified by the fact that any of you fucking care.

You've been spooning, clawing and pouring our vaguely-food-coloured gloop into your cavernous maws for the best part of 50 years - and from the look of some of you I'm surprised that any of the molten radiation infused matter actually connected with your taste buds before fermenting in the acidic chasms of your distended stomachs.

We really couldn't give a flying fuck about where the source materials come from - and to be honest, neither can you. Our 'food processing laboratories' - by which I mean a small damp portakabin outside Loughborough - are simple enough affairs. The raw matter comes down a chute - bones, wood, weapons grade plutonium rescued from the Libyans, "meat" (and I use the term loosely), fat, gristle, the limbs of workers too slow, deaf or infirm to leap out of the way of industrial cutting equipment - and gets processed. And by 'processed' I mean we have two pots of vaguely edible paint. 'Brown' if we want you to think that its beef and 'Grey' if we want you think that its chicken. With some black sprinkly shit we put on the top if it is supposed to be top of the range so we can charge a pound extra. You do realised that those darkened lines that make it look like its been under a grill are just painted on, right? You didn't? And then off to you it goes - Where you only fucking look at the ingredients when you're calorie counting in the first three weeks in January, playing 'Discover the new additive or E number' or you're settling a drunken argument with a friend about how whether cholesterol is spelled with a 'c' or a 'k' (always followed by 'ooh, well I never, it's got a "h" in as well')

I mean, what did you expect? Have you seen the price of beef? Of course you haven't - that'd involve going into a butchers - people in rooms that sell unprocessed meat, FYI - which would involve you cooking. By the way cooking is a complicated process you don't even want to start thinking about - Not that thing YOU call cooking in which the most complicated part is pricking holes in cellophane without slitting your wrists by accident. How did you honestly think we were managing to get any reasonable percentage of that shit into your £1.00 Lasagne? Meaty magic?!

And I'm not sure why you're all complaining anyway. It's Horse-meat. The french love that shit - and lets face it, you're happy enough to watch them get shot at the Grand National.

And let's be honest with each other. As long as we keep sticking this garbage into the freezers at Iceland at 3 for £3, you'll lap up this shit. One of our chief technicians came up with the concept of just mincing up every product we have and selling it in a box called "Findus Food Substitute" and the way things are going, that might well be a route we take. It'd make your shopping lists easier, but even then you'd probably all spell Substitute wrong. We'd even consider making the boxes more colourful but you might end up confusing them with fruit, and that'd blow your tiny minds.

With kind regards,
The Findus Management

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