Tuesday, December 04, 2012

ITN News; a pubic cervix Announcement.

GRAY'S INN ROAD, LONDON: Scientists are busy making the final preparations for what could possibly be the final word in investigative journalism in an underground hangar, some 150 feet below the ITN offices.

"Impressive though this is," announces Julian Farquaharharharson, PR agent for the ITN news network, gesturing towards what looks like a rocket ship from a nineteen-sixties Science fiction film, "It's nothing in comparison to the complete revolution in science that makes this whole process possible."

Farquaharharharson goes on to explain, "We've had to pull all of the stops out to make this possible and our ITN scientists have been working around the clock to achieve this. As you've probably guessed from the glorious news we all heard yesterday, Kate Middleton announced her pregnancy. Naturally as one of the first women on the planet to ever become pregnant, this will dominate the news for the next two years at least - nine months of pregnancy and then infinitely repeated stories about the new arrival."

The Reginald Bosenquet. Yesterday.
"So we've managed to pull off something no other news network could have achieved in their wildest dreams. This vessel here is a Submarine - The Reginald Bosanquet - and via top secret technology we plan on miniaturising both the Bosanquet and its brave crew to a size of less than 4 micrometers and launching it into the reproductive system of the Duchess of Cambridge for on-the-spot reporting until the birth."

Reporters Natasha Kaplinsky and Trevor McDonald have spent the last 24 hours undergoing extensive training in both submarine operation and scuba-diving techniques, and have the considerable honour of being the two primary journalists - or Wombonauts - in charge of the operation and we manage to catch a few minutes of McDonalds time.

"It's a unique opportunity that ITN have given us", he beams, "which will give us a considerable headway over some of our competitors. Especially Sky News. Fucking Sky News. Fuck them in their fucking ear. We'll be able to offer a 24 hour news feed regarding the growth of the foetus and have garnered exclusive rights to the very first interview with the newborn that, fingers crossed, should be taking place moments before the actual birth itself. We hope to have a live video-feed involving some of the cast of TOWIE. It's all very exciting."

"The science is pretty complicated, but we're assured that it's all perfectly safe. We'll be introduced into Kate via her digestive system through being embedded in some manner of foodstuff - Either Swan pâté or Foie Gras, the precise nature has yet to be determined. From then its a simple matter of basic navigation until we head down towards the lower part of the uterus and establish a temporary news room on the wall of her cervix."

Rumours that BBC News have recruited a psychic to record the thoughts of the foetus as an ongoing twitter feed are at this moment, unconfirmed.

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