Saturday, August 18, 2012

Microsoft announce that new version of Windows can determine how pissed off you are with it

You'd be correct in thinking that it seemed that Microsoft were floundering after the release of the poorly received Windows Vista but savvy business practices and a smart advertising campaign saw Windows 7 become a success with both home and business users.

But, as we all know, regardless of success, the world of operating systems doesn't remain still for very long - especially if you want your share prices to remain valuable - so what next for Microsoft?

This weeks New York IT Trade Show saw Microsoft announce the latest iteration of Windows - much to the delight of shareholders who saw Microsoft leap up $6.80 to a total value of $46.20. Windows Plateau (the title now confirmed as the actual release name, and not a working name as industry sources had revealed in the previous few weeks) gained its first viewing and in doing so, its first valuable slice of industry publicity.

The key note speech, presented by Development Team Manager Adrian Shitt to an audience of industry insiders and select press, was conducted with little fanfare. However it became clear over the course of the twenty eight minute demonstration that Microsoft have actually taken user opinion on board - either via direct consultation or through various elements contained within Windows 7 to note and record user opinions.

"We've worked closely with many of the key peripheral manufacturers, primarily Logitech and Creative", announced Shitt, "in order to streamline the user interface and facilitate the new revolutionary functionality within Windows Plateau that we term A.P.M. - Anger Prioritisation Management. This is a feature primarily inspired by observations into human behavioural patterns, fundamentally that of the frustrated pedestrian pressing the button on a Pelican crossing repeatedly and more angrily in order to achieve - what is in reality - a fictional result."

What does this mean for the end user? The operating system will prioritise actions - opening the control panel, browsing the web, or hastily lowering the volume when viewing porn in secrecy - dependent on both how hard and how many times the mouse button or appropriate key is pressed. "An angry press is an important press", explained Shitt, "and the operating system will respond accordingly."

Feedback through excessive digital tactility isn't the only new feature of Plateau however, as Shitt is keen to demonstrate. "We've also taken on board the often forgotten element of audio input", he explains, "which is often the most important piece of feedback that we, as a service provider, can receive."

So, not only will the system respond quicker and more accurately dependent on how hard the mouse button or key is pressed but also in that how angry you appear to be when using Plateau. "We've been working with a variety of artificial intelligence organisations to determine the best path", says Shitt, "but through the use of various heuristic algorithms we've developed something truly special.  Operating system not paying adequate attention to your browsing habits?  Now, if combined with you muttering 'shitshitshitshitfuckinghellshitshit' at the sound of a downstairs door opening we can close the porn filled browser instantly and delete your internet history. Even  I hear.  Printer not working? If you're yelling "Why won't you just fucking work you fucking cunting piece of fucking fucking bastard shit' in the background, we can confirm that you're running the correct drivers - and if you're not, load them and install them in the background, all to enable you to run that oh-so important print.

"But the second you mention 'Fucking windows'", urges Shitt, "It'll uninstall itself and you won't be able to install it again. We're only trying to help you."

"We're only trying to help."

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