Monday, January 02, 2012

You say you want a resolution

Happy Reset-to-January-and-increase-year-number-by-1 date! It's that time when after over-indulging on Christmas pudding, stuff made by Chocolatiers, nuts (if you were lucky enough to find any anywhere due to the worldwide Brazil and Hazelnut shortage) and drinks that you only ever touch at Christmas (Baileys, Port, etc) for two solid weeks, you half-heartedly decide that on December the 31st that you'll go on a diet which then proceeds to last until either 6 p.m. on January the 1st, or, if you're extremely strong-willed, until 1:16 p.m. on January the 23rd.

We all do it, every single year. I'm as equally guilty of making New Years resolutions that I can't possibly keep, so every now and then I like to spice things up and reassure myself by making ones that I couldn't possibly not adhere to - unless I somehow fuck up really badly.

1. Do not - and I repeat do not - join a Morris Dancing society. This sounds like a cinch, but all I can see is be careful about getting exceptionally drunk in real ale pubs you're not familiar with. Imagine me waking up on that fateful morning in 2008 to find myself in a white shirt adorned with shimmering red and green ribbons, jingling gold bells attached to green ribbons wrapped around my legs and the bitter aftertaste of Bollockswillers Old Peculiar in my throat.

2. Do not join a Folk Singing group. (Again, occasionally possible to fail - see 1 above for the circumstances).

3. Do not die. (Again, I'm sure you'll appreciate, it's possible to fail this one but the beauty of this one is that I guarantee it doesn't come with any associated accompanying resolution-failure guilt). And the beauty of this one is that if I actually do stick to it, I'll have achieved immortality. And then when I realise I've achieved this, I'll have to add a secondary resolution of "avoid other immortals bearing swords".

4. Obey all the standard established rules of physics and time. Feel free to take me up on this if you see me not sticking to this one, but I'm making quite an effort to move forwards through time at the rate of one real world second for any second of my life, adhering to gravity and all its pesky effects.

5. Do not be responsible for any major military conflicts. Along with 3 and 4, I can honestly say I've achieved this resolution every single year. And providing my plans come to fruition and Julian Assange keeps his damned mouth shut, I should (fingers crossed) manage it this year as well.

Sarcasm aside though, If you have made a resolution, I sincerely wish you the best in your endeavours. As per my recent post, I've neatly side-stepped all that pesky resolution malarkey by stopping smoking before 2012 even started, and it's all going surprisingly well so far. I wish you and yours a very happy and fruitful New Year and providing I can keep to rule 4, I'll see you all at the other side of it - maybe we'll both be thinner and healthier before we subject ourselves to the over-indulgence of this years Christmas Season.

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