Wednesday, October 12, 2011

A letter to Branston

David Court 
Address Here 
12th October 2011

Dear Richard Branston,

If you’re like me, you may have spent many sleepless nights wondering who would emerge victorious in a pitched battle between a jar of Branston Pickle and an ipad2. Well, as the result of a highly technical scientific experiment (alternatively known as “an accident in the kitchen resulting from a poorly stocked kitchen cupboard”) I can reveal that despite being almost half the weight of the ipad2, the glass screen of the ipad offered little to no effective resistance against the tightly compacted glass shell of said Branston Pickle (small chunk, 360g) falling from a height of approximately 31 inches.

Observe the diagram below;

You will see that the jar of pickle has chosen its combative tactics carefully – attacking the ipad2 in its most vulnerable spot (via a manoeuvre in wrestling commonly known as the “body slam”) namely the weak glass front. One might think it foolhardy of the pickle to confront its foe so recklessly head-on, but I suspect that had the pickle attacked the metal rear of the ipad2 then the results would have been very different. 

You would have thought that with both products sharing a common bond of Apples that the battle would have been merely for show, a play fight as it were. But this was sadly not the case. The ipad2 was mortally wounded in the aforementioned conflict, still working to an extent but as a shadow of its former self.

Observe how even in victory, your product cannot help but gloat over its downed foe. 

Indeed, my contents insurance has already seen that the damaged ipad is currently undergoing critical medical treatment – it will certainly heal, I’ve been assured, but I suspect the mental scars will remain with it forever. Or until it gets discarded when the ipad3 comes out. The irony that said device was mortally wounded on the day when Steve Jobs died is not lost on me.

So, I congratulate you on the hardiness of your products packaging, and indeed for the quality of the product itself. You can rest assured that your fine product is more than capable of handling itself in a battle against household electrical items.

With kind regards, 
David Court

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