Monday, February 21, 2011

How to win at the Internet

(This article was originally written for the coll3ctive blog on February 21st 2011)

Back in 1888 the inventor Louis Le Prince created what is arguably the first ever motion picture. Called Roundhay Garden Scene (which would be an excellent name for a folk band – in my brainspace which the only place said place exists they’d probably sound much like Mumford & Sons). It was recorded at 12 frames per second, lasted approximately 2 of them (which is a whole 24 frames, fact and simple maths fans) and after its first ever showing Le Prince asked the audience for their comments. An individual leapt up from his chair, ran down the aisle until he was standing right next to the director and shouted “FIRST!” in his face. And then returned to his seat.

And it is the honour of this individual that the fine tradition continues to exist to this day, primarily through the medium of Youtube clips. Far from being a lazy idiotic reaction, it is both historically accurate and always a constant source of hilarity. Oh, the detractors may mock. And scoff. And if there’s one thing that people on the internet are good at doing, it’s scoffing.

But you know better – you know that regular youtube comments such as this have placed you on the path to enlightenment, and you’re well on your way to Winning The Internet.

But simply being there first on Youtube clips and making a comment regardless of whether or not you actually care about the content isn’t enough, as well you know. The Internet is a serious business and it’s your job – nay, your duty to make it a better place. A better place for you, at any rate.

Performed your daily chore of logging on to a variety of forums and eagerly sought out any comment that was more than the eight or so words your brain can cope with at any given time? Good. Remember where you found them, because it’ll be a fucking laugh riot when you comment “tl;dr” (too long, didn’t read) on them. That’ll show them. The buffoons – using the medium of text to communicate with others on a text based forum. Verbose idiots. Done that? Good. You’ve levelled up!

Already you can feel yourself glowing with an inner power. You’re the God of cyberspace, ruining good moods and perfectly respectable threads with your rapier like wit.

Like an assassin you appear, strike and then are gone. Swearing and personal insults are your smoke grenades, and none will catch you. You have nothing to ph33r except ph33r itself. Little by little your strength and reputation builds until after several years of solid grinding, you’re done. You’ve conquered the internet. You are the last highlander, the beheaded virtual corpse of your foe lying at your feet bleeding raw power. YOU ARE GOD.

Level 2 awaits!! Your new objective; To conquer your fear of sunlight, deoderant, soap, fresh air and girls.

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I love comments. Love 'em. However, abusive or spam or Anonymous ones may well be sent straight to the bin. Thems the rules.