Wednesday, August 25, 2010


Remember Jedward?  You probably don't.  They were two no-hopers who auditioned for X Factor last year, two twins from Ireland who bore an astonishing resemblance to the Harry Enfield creation "The Double Take Brothers".  They were utter shit, sounded like rats in a blender and were voted off in their first audition.  I think Cheryl Cole called them "talentless fuckwits" and Dannii Minogue threw pencils at them.  Luckily for the sake of musical integrity they were voted off in their first audition and were never heard of again.  They're probably working in KFC now, just scraping by enough cash to keep themselves stocked up in hair gel and silver suits.

But wait a minute, hang on..  I'd briefly forgotten that that happened in some alternative reality in which mediocrity wasn't celebrated.  Some glorious reality which, following their inexplicable rise to success, I'd rather be a part of.  I'd forgotten that in this reality they got through their audition and went from strength to strength with their stupid hair and stupid faces and complete and utter lack of any discernable talent whatsoever.  My memory has tried its best to erase their frankly terrifying (for all the wrong reasons) cover of the Ghostbusters theme, which for all intents and purposes ended up looking like a hastily put together end of term talent show at a run down comprehensive school.

Now ITV2 has revealed to us the delights of Jedward: Let Loose, a reality show following the exploits of John and Edward as they move out of home into a swanky ITV provided apartment, whilst the cameras follow their every inane move.  The two of them resemble terrified chinchillas released into the wild, blinking with sheer terror at the enormity of the real world.

It's almost like a documentary about care in the community.  If they weren't famous from the X Factor and you'd never heard of them (hold that beautiful thought for a moment.  Nice, isn't it?) you'd think that it was a poignant piece about two retarded brothers who had been locked in a shed by a cruel stepfather for 17 years and their subsequent attempts to reintegrate into society. 

But we know this isn't the case. I'm amazed that simply through Darwinian theory alone that the pair of them are still alive with all limbs intact.    Luckily they're being looked after by their long-suffering Tour Manager, who I really hope is being paid a carers allowance on top of his standard wages.

There is one jaw-dropping scene in which their manager explains to them how to turn on the fridge in their apartment.  His tone of voice is that of a man explaining to a six year old why they aren't allowed to play with matches, as John and Edward gawp hopelessly at him, mouths opening and closing like landed fish.  Watching the entity known as Jedward struggle with the high-technology of refrigerating food is like watching apes trying to fashion crude tools out of sticks.  Without the aid of their manager they would still be in that kitchen now, arguing with each other about the best way to turn on said fridge.  They'd have pulled all the shelves out - that wouldn't have made any difference.  Shouting at it with squeaky Irish accents would have met with no result.  By now, several weeks on, they'd probably be hacking at the plastic interior with steak knives as a last resort.

Not to mention the scene where they order take-out food for the first time (which they're forced to do, namely because their fridge isn't switched on, but also because heaven forbid they'd ever be able to figure out shopping. That'll probably be around the fourth episode after they've had the concept of money explained to them)  they order Sushi.  After interrogating the guy they're ordering it from over the phone about the origins of Sushi.  Which arrives and neither of them like.

I know I wasn't the smartest and worldly wise at the age of 17, but switching things on? I consider myself an expert. I was the goddamn zen-master at switch-on-and-offery.

It's like they're discovering the world for the first time.  Every minor trivial thing we'd take for granted is to them a thing of great wonder (and even greater confusion).  I'm hoping at the end of the series that Jedward are taken out into the woods and finally given their freedom, as their tour manager looks on proudly, dabbing his eyes.

And the final credits roll, to the tune of Ghostbusters.  And then all goes black, and after a few moments of agonising tension, we hear two gunshots.

And then the adverts.


  1. Personally, I would love to see `Jedward - the slow decent into sulphoric acid adventure` in which the duo are week by week slowly lowered into a vat of acid.

  2. I hadn't heard of them before, unfortunately, I saw the episode where those retarded idiots tried to turn on the fridge. Sadly, I've come across more episodes since and I have to say that I agree with everything you said, EXCEPT their Irish accents. Being Irish myself, I can tell you that their accents are far from Irish. If anything, they sound like Dublin 4 (posh part of town) homosexuals (and the fact that their parents have normal accents confirms that they must be gay, in case their actions aren't proof enough).

    Speaking of gay, why are 13 year old girls so attracted to fags? It seems when these fuckwits have girls proclaiming their love to them at every appearance. Just like they did to the gay guy in westlife.

    Honestly, though, I'm less surprised that these talentless idiots (what do they actually do in their concerts? seems to me that they play someone elses songs, jump around like stupid looking idiots and sing very very BADLY) are famous, since it seems to be a trend that idiocy and lack of talent sells CD's and concert tickets than I am that they haven't offed themselves yet in their stupidity.

    They act like five year olds, doing the exact opposite of what their tour manager tells them. They don't know how to use SWITCHES. Flooded their bathroom on the first night. Have no sense of.. well, anything.. ugh.

    These babies should have been aborted long ago.


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