Wednesday, April 27, 2011

So you want to be a Video Game Boss

"Welcome, Doctor Killgeist, take a seat. I trust my assistant offered you a coffee?  Ah, I see you've got your own drink. In a hollowed old skull, no less. Do you find that practical?  I tend to find the sealant always comes loose at the eyesockets."

"Anyway, enough niceties. We've read over your application and wanted a format chat to discuss your application to be a Video Game boss. We feel that we've got a bad press over the years, and we're trying to put that aside. We note that you walked through the opening practical examinations, but this role is more - way more - about just killing the occasional naïve hero.or his hapless comedy sidekick. We also note a very high examination score from your performance in the opening cutscenes - suitably menacing and we thought your execution of the main heroes old mentor was absolutely top notch. We were all terribly impressed.  Although you did have a habit of ranting maniacally over the Original Soundtrack."

"But, Mister - you've apologise for us not calling you doctor but we recognise that it's not a formal qualifaction - Killgeist, we'll be honest in that we have concerns.  We definitely see potential in you - with a bit of luck you could even still be around for the inevitable sequel - but we just want to be doubly sure that you won't fail where your colleagues have."

(Head of Interview panel picks up hefty pile of papers from desks and begins to look through them).

"Right, where were we - where we we.  Ah.  Yes, definite anger management issues.  In one of your practical examinations - remember it?  The room with all the pillars?  We can't help but have noticed your short fuse.  It was recorded that one of the stand-in heroes riled by by running right up to you and then towards one of the pillars.  You seemed unable to resist and ran headlong at one of them, to which the stand-in hero stepped aside at the last minute.  Predictably, you ran into the pillar and ended up stunning yourself temporarily.  If a wary hero had seen this, he'd have taken this opportunity to attack you while you were unprepared.  However, we were pleased to report that you showed remarkable initiative and neatly broke video game boss convention and only fell for this trick twice. Your short temper isn't really a criticism, just something you might want to learn control over in future.  If you'd fell for it just one more time - well, we all remember what happened to poor old Doctor Evilcerator.".

(Head of Interview panel crosses self)

"I also see you didn't heed our advice from last time and are still wearing that armour you wore to the last interview.  Remember the design flaw? I personally wouldn't be seen dead in a piece of armour, that when sufficiently damaged in one area, opened up to reveal the crystal that was source of my powers.  Or I would, if you get my point.  Utterly pointless.  Get yourself down to our armourer at the earlier opportunity."

"Which brings us to Combat Skills. We've noticed some predictability in your attack styles, which could be fatal in a combat situation. You know those powerful ranged attacks you can do that can kill most heroes? Why not do them all the time? You seem to concentrate on silly little attacks and then only do those big ones on occasion. If they work then use them, in the name of Ganon."

"And finally.  We've been looking at some of the results of your optional subjects, and we think there is room for improvement.  Video Game Boss Hideout Design, in specific. Why in the name of Robotnik did you dot your base with minor minions and then, just a few feet shy of your throneroom, stow pretty much every piece of weaponry and ammunition you had? At worst, it's short-sighted. At best, it's suicidal."

"So, it's not all bad news. You could be quite promising if you could just commit yourself and get rid of some of these silly niggling little flaws. Keep at it - we'll make a video game boss out of you yet."

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