William and Kate - The Movie

What could be a more fitting reminder of their romance than a commemorative cup
of William and Kate coffee?

In less than a weeks time, a joyous occasion is set to happen. A once-in-a-lifetime moment that you'll speak of to your grandchildren in reverent tones - "Yes, young Bacardi", you'll say between mouthfuls of Werthers Original, "I remember it well. I got April the 29th off without having to take it as holiday".

Oh, and somebody got married.

In loving honour of these two somebodies who'll get married, Channel 5 pulled out all the stops yesterday to show the glorious William and Kate - The Movie. A landmark piece of cinema, this gritty warts-and-all almost documentary-like meisterwork offered us, humble proles that we are, a fascinating insight into the romance of those two star crossed lovers, namely William Arthur Philip Louis Gustav Mountbatten-Windsor and Catherine Elizabeth "Kate" Middleton.

You think you've got it bad?  Try either being a royal or being engaged to one. Not only do you have to contend with being pestered by the pararazzi at every turn, but also with the devastating nature of reality itself altering around you.

Take this simple example; Kate and her mother emerge from a shop in London. A simple enough act, but it would appear that this shop is being run by the shopkeeper from Mister Benn. They find themselves on a Los Angeles street, the only concession to London being that there is a red double decker bus. On the wrong side of the road. What's happening?  WHY AREN'T THEY PANICKING?

A romance isn't a romance unless it's been commemorated
with your face being constructed from ham

A pheasant shoot in Gloucestershire?  We've all been there. But pan back - and we suddenly find ourselves with a backdrop of a huge mountain range. These are no mere marilyns, but huge majestic peaks. And the royals are so used to the sheer fabric of reality adjusting itself around them - it's why they don't carry money, you know - that not a royal eyelid is blinked.

Ok, so it's easy to mock. And I will continue to do so. It's obvious that other than the odd stock shot of London (Thats London, En-ger-land, swinging happily like a pendulum do) filming alternated between being done in the States and in Cloud-Fucking-Cuckoo land.

I'l concede that the leads were reasonable (Camilla Luddington, a british born actress and Nico Evers-Swindell, a New Zealander pulling off a convincing English accent) except for the ridiculous height difference between the two of them - unless in real life Kate has been standing on a Fortnum and Mason box before any photographs are taken with the two of them. The less said about the American playing Harry though with his dyed barnet the better. But at least they've given Harry the right amount of hair, unlike his brother. And not a Nazi Uniform fancy dress costume prank in sight.

Prince Charles, however, appears to be being played by the rubber faced eighties comedians Phil Cool and Phil Cornwell. He's on hand to convey the difficulties of royal life to his son, and to express quite how difficult his relationship with a mere commoner will be.

The whole thing is an overly-sentimental piece of tripe that even Spielberg would baulk at the sheer schmaltz of. t's terribly directed and paced with a bewildering array of English and transatlantic accents, and is clearly aimed at Royalists, the overly-stupid and the Twilight generation. It's clearly aimed at Americans and conveys that view of our royals that they find so endearing and fascinating.

Although the dilemma Kate is faced with in this isn't should she fuck a corpse or a dog as in Twilight, but should she live the rest of her life in ridiculous splendour and wealth. Or not.

They missed a trick though - they should have taken the opportunity to include a ghostly Princess Diana ("Always in our hearts") to appear (perhaps wearing her bright pink Barbie Land Mine Disposal outfit) and discuss the marriage with her son, in a loving homage to the bit in Empire Strikes back where Luke chats to Obi-Wan.

And it was totally gripping, from start to finish. Definitely one for the 'so bad it's good' folder. And it had a happy ending, which was a great relief. But I think I'll be giving the live sequel a miss later this week.