Thursday, June 20, 2013

The Xbox One - Microsoft perform U-turn

Microsoft has this morning, in a statement posted online, taken a dramatic U-turn over much of the vaunted new functionality proposed for its new Xbox One Console.

Following negative feedback from the widely derided launch at E3 (The yearly Electronic Entertainment Expo held in Los Angeles) Microsoft interactive president Don Mattrick published an online statement on the Microsoft website.

"It’s a decision we haven’t taken lightly", the statement reads, "but we have heard loud and clear from our customers and have taken the corporate decision to remove much of the proposed functionality for the Xbox one that we announced at E3.

You told us how much you loved the flexibility you have today with games delivered on disk, so we will carry on with the successful 360 model – you’ll be able to swap games as you do now, as well as purchase and run pre-owned titles without restriction.

You told us how much you like your sleep to be undisturbed, so the new Xbox one will no longer sprout tiny hydraulic legs when darkness falls, clamber up your stairs and scream foul obscenities into your sleeping ears at a randomly designated time between 1 and 3 a.m. each week day.

We've also listened about your concerns regarding the flammability and fragility of your weak human bodies, so have removed the Xbox ones functionality regarding exploding into balls of flame sending razor sharp fragments of console into your face and/or eyes.

Oh, and the PS4 is mostly made from asbestos and has to be refilled with the tears of kitten and children every 24 hours to remain connected to the internet."

Following this U Turn Industry insiders have already humorously and originally dubbed the new console "The Xbox 180" on every. Single. Fucking. Forum.

We attempted to get the opinion of the man on the street about who they felt would win the War of Consoles, but they were too busy having sex with ladies, socialising and being outside in the sun.

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