Monday, June 17, 2013

"In the Kingdom of the stupid, the man who can keep his mouth shut whilst chewing is King"

The vast majority of the people inhabiting this spinning ball of gravel, mud sand and water that we call Planet Earth are fucking idiots. Drooling incompetent buffoons who I’d struggle to trust with the complex task of holding a glass of water upright without spilling it, let alone trusting them to drive on the roads without suddenly screeching onto the pavement and killing me for no apparent reason or operate the complex coloured controls within nuclear reactors and/or burger restaurants.

I wouldn't be surprised if the average IQ score for the population of the planet has remained pretty constant during my lifetime – which would be great if the population hadn't risen so dramatically.

I've complained about at great lengths about the types of idiots common to the internet before - those who click on any old sense in the desperate hope of getting free stuff, those who spread utter bollocks about utter bollocks - but it's perhaps time to add to that list with a few more entries for my Encyclopaedia Idiotica

People who mark stuff as 0/10 on Internet Review Sites

Metacritic - I'm mostly looking at you. Do you know what one of the worst fucking ideas™ of all time was? Letting stupid people rate stuff. You’re barely capable of making a cup of tea without diagrams and supervision, so why I should rate your opinion on a game you played for three hours and then switched it off because “it was well sloe and didunt not have enuff guns” is frankly beyond me. Just because "You didunt understandd the ending" of that film I quite like, I don't care – mainly because even the complexities of the average episode of Spongebob Squarepants are way beyond your feeble comprehension.

(Clue: When they ask who lives in a pineapple under the sea, the answer is "Spongebob Squarepants" and not you doing a thousand yard stare whilst drooling).

I’d struggle to give anything a mark of zero out of ten. Even if when placed in the drive a game disk got spat out by the console span out across the room like Oddjob's razor edged bowler hat, ricocheting around the room and decapitating my cats, I'd probably give it a mark or 2 for the nice box art. If a film caused me to have such a violent reaction that my eyes explosively burst out of my sockets like lychees, I’d still give it a mark or so - out of politeness, you understand - for the nice soundtrack.

Your mark of zero out of ten doesn't place you in the annals of history for being a maverick soul brave enough to resist convention – it makes you a prize prick who shouldn't be allowed nice things. And you gave a score of 10 to Transformers 2 and Call of Duty: Black Ops so your opinion is not only irrelevant, it’s bordering on illegally stupid.

You could of course argue, "But David, surely people who mark stuff as 10 out of 10 are just as bad? A maximum score indicates perfection and surely that isn't really possible in any genre?". And I will reply with "Shut up you idiot, you can’t blame anybody for a bit of enthusiasm. And how would you explain Big Mommas House 2, eh? Cinematic perfection, right there."*

Cinema Audiences

With their small brains you’d think that the cinema would be an ideal distraction for an idiot. A place where they can happily whoop, cheer and boo at the bright flickering images on the big screen whilst their puny brains simultaneously try to cope with a complex storyline as well as fathom out the mystery behind how this whole magical-moving-image technology works anyway.

Tell them it’s magic. It’s easier and less frustrating in the long run.

But oh no, even having the latest Blockbuster exploderama projected over 190 square metres isn’t enough to distract you from the important things in life which, having been in your presence for nearly two hours, I can safely determine as being:
  • Your mobile phone. Because Heaven-fucking-forfend your crops in Farmville should be neglected for two hours or that there might be the slightest fucking gap in your twitter feed. ("JASON STAFUM IS WELL FIT #FastAndFurious17")
  • Eating. Which is best done by opening your mouth wide with every single chew so your brain can hear your mouth is still working.
  • Drinking. Careful mate, there might be a droplet of Coke you've missed lurking in the grooves at the bottom of your cup - Maybe if you play the exciting game of Straw Slurp Race and Chase you'll be able to catch the fucker. Noisily.
  • Laughing at poignant bits in the plot, talking or yawning noisily over those interrupting moments of exposition and generally acting like Chimps playing up at your first tea party. Wankers.
But of course I'm preaching to the converted. The very fact you read this blog implies you're a person of high culture and taste (or like seeing the word "fuck" written on the internet) and are immune to such stupidity. Unless you've wandered here by accident looking for naked pictures of the women from Geordie Shore - in which case I'd like to direct you to slightly west of Fuck Off. And keep going.

* - This is clearly a joke. The Scary Movie series of films are clearly the pinnacle of the art of cinema. And, I've been reminded,  Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps.

1 comment:

  1. Mildly apropos of the subject matter; I link you to "The Basic Laws of Human Stupidity":


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