|Chaz, confirmed innocent. Morph pictured|
"Children of the Seventies and Early eighties may well have believed that their childhoods were being slowly disassembled as celebrity after celebrity have been indicted in some truly abhorrent behaviour", said DS Nintendo, one of the senior investigating officers involved with Operation Eucalyptus Tree, "but they can at least take some small solace from the results of this comprehensive investigation that we have found a total of 9 celebrities from that era who at no stage in their careers were involved in child abuse or rape."
The 9 celebrities (not all of whom can be named for legal reasons) include Russell Harty, Dave Allen, Chaz (from Morph fame), Kenny Everett and Tregard from Knightmare.
"Even Matthew Kelly. I know. Who'd have thought it. That one lost me a bet.", concluded DS Nintendo.
Meanwhile Yewtree and other investigations continue and slowly one by one will slowly end up involving every single one of your childhood idols until they all blur into one vaguely amorphous monster and you find yourself no longer surprised by every new horrible announcement. And now, the weather.