Games to watch out for in 2013

There has never been a better time to be a gamer (other than potentially during the summer of 1889 when the game of Tiddlywinks was patented in London). With new versions of the Playstation, XBox, Commodore +4, Dreamcast², Atari Jaguar and Nokia N-Gage all set to hit the shelves later this year, make sure you don't miss out on some of the biggest and most exciting games coming to consoles in 2013.

Kinect™ Nigel Farages Electile Disfunction 

"But the entire population of both those countries - let alone those of
working age - is less than 29 million"
"SHUT UP. I'M WINNING THIS LEVEL"

With the technological magic of Kinect™, step into the not-at-all-racist shoes of Nigel Farage for an exciting UKIP adventure!

Through voice commands and arm movements alone TWEAK the statistics on posters so they’re LOW enough to look vaguely plausible at first glance but HIGH enough to terrify large numbers of gullible people!

Using the wizardry of KINECT™ MIMIC the positions of UKIP candidates to make it look less like they're doing Nazi salutes - Perhaps they're imitating a pot plant, or congratulating a small child by patting them on the head. Maybe they're doing a hand-based impression of a manta ray or pointing towards something in the distance. Bonus points for the more ridiculous the explanation! Be sure you don't lose this level and have to suffer the "Claim that my facebook account was hacked" defence!

TAKE TO THE SKIES in the exciting UKIP Flight simulator! Display your slogans in mid-air over an unsuspecting public - but be careful that the ropes you use don't get caught in the tail of your aircraft.. or you'll be coming down to earth with a right bump.... or rather a far right bump,eh?

Call of duty: Conscientious Objector

The newest in the franchise from Infinity Warm studios (developers of Medal Of Honour: Switzerland), COD:CO covers most of human conflicts throughout modern history from the perspective of those who decide to sit on the sidelines and passively observe the conflicts as an individual who has claimed the right to refuse to perform military service on the grounds of freedom of thought, conscience and/or religion.

READ THE NEWSPAPERS about the exciting events of the D-Day Landings. LISTEN TO RADIO BROADCASTS about the failed German Drive towards Moscow in 1941 as part of Operation Typhoon.

Xbox owners get exclusive Downloadable Content (DLC) exclusive wallpapers covering the themes of pacifism, non-interventionalism, non-resistance and anti-militarism. Playstation owners get two levels exclusive to their console - "Put that fire out-Civilian firefighting" and "Put that light out-ARP Warden".

Call of Duty: Conscientious Objector will not be available in Russian territories.

"Ensign Everest, I'd make a joke here about the Captains Log, but it'd
frankly demean us both. Let's just assume that this is the hardest mission
you've faced to date. Mr. Worf has the shits something rotten thanks to
those six pints of Eborian Old Peculiar, and you're our only hope."

Star Trek: Federation Plumber 

From MucusArts™  (the developers of Colin Milne: Imperial Dentist™ and Sandra Hurst; Hairdresser of the Rebel Alliance™) comes their new exciting take on the Star Trek Franchise. YOU are Jacob Everest, recent recruit to the illustrious plumbing division of the Federation Engineering Corps on your new assignment on board the legendary U.S.S. Enterprise.

EXPLORE exciting locations such as Enterprise Drinking Water Reservoir A/0001, Enterprise Drinking Water Reservoir A/0002, Enterprise Drinking Water Reservoir B/0001, Enterprise Silage Tank S/0001-A and Enterprise Silage Tank S/0001-B. And, on rare occasion, inside the moisture collector on Aft Enterprise Warp Nacelle 2.

WIELD exotic alien equipment such as the Venusian Hyper-spanner, the Klingon Hyper-spanner, the Ferengi MegaWrench™ and the slightly bigger Venusian Hyper-spanner.

You’ll get to spend your nine hour daily shift fixing water, gas, sewage and wastewater pipes. Explore the bowels of the Enterprise (sometimes literally) in this exciting adventure set in the Star Trek: The Next Generation Universe.

GTA5:Daily Mail Edition will coordinate with
all popular social media and blogging sites
and automatically generate posts identifying
anything outrageous and offensive you might have
missed, automatically posting about it on your
behalf with pompous indignity and mock rage.

"Drinkable water and adequate sanitary conditions? MAKE IT SO!"

Bioshock: Finite 

A special Game of the Year variant of one of 2013s best selling console games, with the additional feature that the game disk wipes itself if your character dies. The Collectors edition of Bioshock: Finite for the Nokia N-Gage comes with a statuette and the complete works of Ayn Rand - and if you pre-order it before release date, also comes with a nice sandwich.

..And more besides.

Other releases foe 2013 include Grand Theft Auto 5: Pre-generated Daily Mail Controversy Edition, Theme Hospital: The Shipman Years, Penultimate Fantasy VII, Tomb Raider: Kindergarten, Emmerdale: Online and finally Immortal Kombat for the Atari Jaguar - an exciting fighting game from the makers of SOAPWARS (which allowed you to pit characters from UK soap operas against each other in bloody one-on-one melee combat). Immortal Kombat sees you playing as one of various selectable deities for all religions* each with an infinite health bar. At last Zeus can fight Jehovah.. for ever!

However sad news for certain game fans at the news of the closure of Vaginal games and the cancellation of the long expected (but also heavily delayed) Rock, Scissors, Paper Extreme. This marks the end of an era for fans of this popular development studio - especially the loyal fanbase of their popular point-and-click series from the eighties Hart to Hart: Moider One, The Selwyn Froggitt Adventures, Murder She Wrote.. again, The adventures of Mrs. Columbo and Manimal: Zookeeper.

* Does not include Mohammed, Buddha or Xenu.