Results of second study into the eating of processed meats revealed

Fresh on the heels of the results of a study conducted by the University of Zurich revealing that sausages, ham, bacon and other processed meats appear to increase the risk of dying young, the shocking results of a second investigation were also revealed.

Bacon. Lovely, lovely bacon. Look at the lovely bacon.
LOOK AT IT. LOOK AT THE FUCKING BACON. Mmmm. Bacon.

The study, carried out by the Mattessons Institute for Advanced Meat Sciences, paints a very different meaty picture - that the eating of processed meats in fact leads to several previously undocumented health benefits.

"The eating of processed meats definitely leads to increased attractiveness to both the same and opposite sex", the study reveals, "and has the secondary benefits of increased virility, intelligence and in a small percentage of individuals, advanced super-powers. Oh, and an increased resistance to cancer."

"We're confident that after literally years of study that our findings are conclusive.", said a spokesman for the Mattessons institute, "We have verified that they match the results from our colleagues at the Danepak Laboratoire - not to mention the scientists at the National Ye Olde Oak Faculty and the Bernard Matthews Faculty for advanced Carnivorous Studies."

"So you should definitely eat more meat. Loads of it. Get it down your neck. Nothing to see here, move along."