Monday, November 26, 2012

Facebook - It's all fun and games until somebody loses a face

Facebook. Lovely, isn’t it? A big cuddly-wuddly ball of super fun and happy times set up by the adorable Mark Zuckerberg just for the fun of it and to benefit the whole of mankind. A huge social network of lovely, lovely people kept connected by the selfless efforts of the tireless Facebook development team.

But - think again.

This happy smiling front is a lie – a mere façade of the terrifying true nature of Facebook. It’s been a closely guarded secret, but we can now reveal that this social networking phenomenon is in fact owned by a huge and rich corporation and it exists primarily to make money for its owner and shareholders and NOT for the benefit of you. Many Bothans died bringing us this information.

“That is not dead which can eternal lie, And with strange aeons even death may die.” 
“Imagine my surprise”, said Alex Mailmerge, “when some of the Deviant art pictures I’d shared on Facebook began turning up elsewhere. The final straw was when I received a memory stick in the post which contained a twelve minute video of Mark Zuckerberg urinating over a crude wall of my pictures he’d constructed whilst laughing like a drain. They’re allowed to do that apparently.”

“I only signed up to Facebook to make it easier to arrange meetings of our local Book Club”, said Pamela Haberdashery, “so was most surprised when last Thursday evening our front door was kicked in and three heavily armoured Facebook officials demanded that I hand over my kidney. They showed me the paperwork and I had indeed signed it over as part of the Facebook terms and conditions. The operation is next Tuesday. According to the paperwork, I have to pay for it as well.”

“My father was a keen member of Facebook , related Mrs. Ted Nugent, “which he mostly used to organise his model railway club. He died back in April and shortly after that we received a letter from Facebook informing us that his restless spirit and undead soul had been claimed by their company to power up some kind of sinister huge ghost powered battery in their basement. And in the sinister italicised words of Mark Zuckerberg at the letters close, ‘There’s absolutely fuck all you can do about it’” 

Terrifying, isn’t it?

It’s estimated that facebook has approximately nine billion users and – worryingly enough - that’s two billion more than there are people on the planet. And each and every one has innocently ticked that ‘Agree to terms and conditions’ box without reading the eight hundred page agreement in which you've happily signed over - some of which is in 2 point Garamond and some of which is in a magically developed invisible facebook font - which includes some of the following:
  • You granting unlimited rights to use your pictures and videos
  • You granting Facebook permission to use your name to give as an alias when arrested for driving offences 
  • Your first born male.
  • Everything on the top of and in the second draw down on your desk
  • Every piece of earwax you generate between the ages of 32 and 56.
  • Any odd socks
  • Your rights to freely use the word ‘Ampersand’ – Any use of this word incurs a three dollar royalty charge, payable by your family upon the event of your death. (may be replaced by 'Affidavit' at a moments notice).
  • The rights to finish any food you loudly announce is "Nice".
  • Any yellow thing that you own.
  • Facebook is allowed to general dick about and rifle through your things and stuff.
  • The rights to kick you in the throat if you are ever found at a funeral saying, "He/She had a good innings".
  • Your undying soul to be a possible tax-deductible donation to the Elder God Shabbith-Ka the malignant. Eternal majesty be yours, and may the Universe warp in your wake.
"Fuck!", you're probably thinking at this stage, "Holy Fuck! What can I do?". Rest assured, all is not lost. With the addition of a simple status update, you have effectively retrospectively freed yourself from anything you ticked in the terms and conditions - It really as as simple as you that.

"In response to the new Facebook guidelines, I hereby declare that my copyright is attached to all of my personal details, illustrations, comics, paintings, professional photos and videos, etc (as a result of the Berner Convention). Oh, and while I'm chancing my arm I'll also add that I'm legally bound to be found not guilty for any future crimes I might later be arrested for."

Straightforward enough, right? In reality it won't make a jot of difference, but other than cluttering up the already overcrowded internet with more hoax based bullshit that a 10 second google search would allow you to debunk, it can't hurt, right?

UPDATE: And one more thing. If you do insist on posting this nonsense, could you at least verify your sources - What the hell is the Berner Convention?

1 comment:

I love comments. Love 'em. However, abusive or spam or Anonymous ones may well be sent straight to the bin. Thems the rules.