Concert Etiquette (or 'How to go to a gig and not be a prick')

"Yeah. check out the awesome recording of the gig I made on my mobile phone.  Yeah. the sound is a bit tinny. No idea what they were singing there."

 So, you've forked out a bit of cash to go and see your most favourite band in the whole entire world. You’re really looking forward to it, aren't you? You get to the venue with your mates, maybe get a drink and go and try to find a good spot where you can see the band. As the band take to the stage, you feel excited, happy, making imaginary set lists in your head, hoping they’ll play your favourite song. And then what happens? The people standing in your vicinity turn out to be utter cocks, talking through the whole gig (“the lyrics are shit anyway” or “it’s a gig, it’s not the fucking cinema” - actual true quotes from Wednesday nights gig).

So, what can be done to put a block on wankers ruining your gig experience, shy of rolling a few tear gas grenades into the venue at advance? Luckily for you, I have devised some ways how the gig experience can be improved:

1. If you’re lucky enough to be there by being a VIP, well done and congrats. This does NOT give you licence to act like you own the fucking place whilst talking loudly through songs, dancing into my personal space, reminding all and sundry how you knew them before they were famous, how you’re their ex-work colleague/cousin/dog sitter. The majority of people there paid for their ticket and wish to enjoy the show without your fucking yapping.
2. If you bump into me, you will apologise. If you bump into me if I have a drink, thus spilling my drink, you will apologise and buy me another drink.
3. A questionnaire will be completed on the way into the gig containing questions such as ‘How many band members can you name?’, ‘How many of [band name’s] albums* do you own?’ – if the answer to either of these is ‘1 or fewer’, entry will not be granted. The more questions you get correct - the closer to the front you're allowed to stand.
4. Wearing a Barbour jacket and your scarf whilst in the venue? Intending to wear it for the whole gig? Yeah, not happening, get out – people in this get up have a greater tendency for being Gig Pricks (speaking from experience).
5. If you are of the taller persuasion, do not complain if someone of the smaller persuasion attempts to watch the gig from in front of you. For the most part, you will still see.
6. Here’s a nifty idea! You know those two round things on the front of your head? The things that enable you to see? Some people call them ‘eyes’. Yep, you got them. My idea is simple, how about using your EYES to watch the gig, rather than holding up your phone/camera to capture the ambience of the gig? MAD I know, but that way you won’t be disappointed when you get home and watch the minutes worth of footage that you got (because your arms got tired) and it looks and sounds as though you watched the gig through sand filled goggles at the bottom of a water filled quarry. A bonus of that of course is that the people surrounding you won’t want to ram your phone/camera up your jacksey because your arms ARE IN THE FUCKING WAY.

*If the band only has one album, this question will be amended to ‘Do you own [band name’s] album?

That’s pretty much it. These tips come from 24 years experience of going to gigs, although most of them we made up on the way out the NIA Wednesday night’s gig.

Feel free to add any more hints and tips in the comments section.