Shiny thing you liked now rendered useless. New Shiny thing available.

Yesterday Apple unveiled the newest version of their Shiny thing™  at a dedicated event in San Francisco. It was the first time the Shiny thing™ had been revealed to customers and industry insiders alike, and the unveiling was met with the kind of rapturous applause, sobbing, whooping and shrieking one might associate with either performing chimps or humans witnessing The Second Coming - all of it from grown men and woman who should know better..

Apple are being deliberately vague with the exact specifications at this stage, but a leaked internal memorandum was published on various blogs and websites earlier this month which revealed the following details:

Look at the shiny thing. FUCKING LOOK AT IT.

1) The new Shiny thing™ is approximately 44% more ace than the last one.

2) The increased screen size will make it 84% obvious to those around you that you have the latest Shiny Thing™ and not the old one or a Samsung lookalike.

3) The introduction of the new Shiny Thing™ has made all previous versions of the Shiny Thing™ passé. Honestly, you won't even be able to bring yourself to look at it, the piece of bulky slow garbage that it is.

4) Your life is worthless and you are visibly less attractive without the new Shiny Thing™.

5) It doesn't have that thing on it that you didn't like on the previous model of the Shiny Thing™. Or if you kinda liked it, then Apple have made it better. Yeah, that one.
6) iTunes will now, for your convenience, scour your music collection and delete anything that it doesn't consider hip enough to belong in the collection of a Shiny Thing™ owner.

"We'd suspected for several months that Apple were on the verge of releasing the newest Shiny Thing™," said Keith Rectum, technical writer for h1pst3rT3ch magazine, "because it's been at least a year since the last Shiny Thing™ was released. But man, I can't believe we got so excited back then because this new Shiny Thing™ is WAY cooler. Look, I got some excellent Instagram photographs of the keynote speech. I've even put some of them through the Sepia filter for fucks sake."

Apple claimed on their website that the newest Shiny Thing™ will be available worldwide from December 2012. It will be sold with either 3.5k, 48 megabytes,16 gigabytes, 32GB or 64GB of storage. The basic model will be sold for $529 (£529), but the figure will be lower if bought with a network contract or if you fellate your nearest Apple Genius/reseller. Additional bundles allowing you to make telephone calls or send text messages with the Shiny Thing™ will be available mid 2013. Apple will warn consumers in advance that they must have replaced their previous version of the increasingly redundant Shiny Thing™ by March the following year (2013) or it will either explode or become carcinogenic.

Apple's stock closed 1.4% higher, thus making them richer than God.

Samsung were unavailable for comment, as they were pretending that they were all out. But we heard coughing from behind the blinds.