Tuesday, September 11, 2012

ATOS officially classify Undead as "fit to work"

A Zombie.  Yesterday.
Following the Apocalypse last Thursday when graves, morgues and mortuaries across the globe spewed forth their hungry undead, British Government ministers have been in constant meetings in an attempt to both understand and deal with the ravenous and insatiable plague of shambling reanimated corpses.

Arguments have raged in the House of Commons about the cause of said injurious outbreak but these have to date been inconclusive. Returning space probes, the accidental release of a deadly virus caused by Animal Liberation Fanatics, God striking down a hideous curse upon mankind or Hell simply being full have all been suggested but there is, as of yet, no overwhelming proof tending towards any theory.

However, a press briefing from ATOS (the IT firm responsible carrying out checks for the government to determine who should receive benefits) yesterday announced that any such cadaver that has been resurrected has been officially reclassified from "deceased" to "Fit to work".

"Events of the last week alone", explained Joseph Pilato of ATOS, "have shown without a shadow of a doubt that being dead is no longer the hindrance to career opportunities as it once was. There is no reason a member of the Undead cannot be a productive member of Cameron's Big Society."

"We mustn't dwell on the slight inconveniences that this zombie plague (or "The Unique Undead opportunity" as we're rebranding it) have caused. Food camps and having to live within electric fenced compounds isn't that much of a change of lifestyle for many anyway - and of course the fact that the zombie is no longer officially classified as deceased and therefore life insurance payments will immediately be halted will boost the economy considerably - not to mention that we simply won't have to pay out any pensions anymore. Burial plots, no longer being necessary as they're all currently vacant, can also be converted to cheap affordable housing."

"And we're now at a unique point in society where we have a huge body of society that can take place in Workfare schemes without complaining about it. The Zombie (or "Reincarnated Special Citzen" as they shall be known as) is more than capable of carrying out menial tasks. Farmers will always need Scarecrows, and Tesco and Sainsbury's and several of the rail networks have expressed a very keen interest in employing the restless dead."

"And as for their limited reasoning powers, there are always Tory cabinet positions available and Boris can't be Lord Mayor for ever", concluded Pilato.

Lori Cardille, a former school dinner lady and now restless rotting member of the Undead who are legion, did not comment on these recent developments. In as much as she moaned the hollow sound of the damned as she approached and tried to gnaw the knees of the photographer.

1 comment:

  1. One of the best things I've read in a VERY long time.

    ReplyDelete

I love comments. Love 'em. However, abusive or spam or Anonymous ones may well be sent straight to the bin. Thems the rules.