Yes, we've been friends for some time now so I hope you don't get insulted by what I'm about to say.
Regarding the London riots (upgraded to the England riots on the BBC website yesterday, I note) could you please stop referring to the Rioters as "Protestors"? As far as I can tell (but I'll admit I'm often wrong - not as wrong as I'd be without you in my life though) they stopped being protestors at some stage Saturday evening. I'll be the first to admit you're using the word less and less as the days go on, but could you just cut it out altogether please?
Unless, of course, they're protesting about not having quite enough pairs of trainers from Footlocker or an X Box 360 - or they're protesting that they really didn't like the fact that a 100 year old family-run furniture store dominated the landscape in Croydon. Or perhaps they're protesting that a Coventry branch of the PDSA that was looted didn't have the jumper they wanted. Or perhaps, and this may be a stretch, they're not protesting at all.
Perhaps you should start referring to the poor innocents involved in this as Protestors. Protesting that they were left to burn in their flats, or protesting that a rabid group of kids were allowed to break into their properties and remove every single part of their livelihood. Before setting fire to it, just for shits and giggles. Because that's really going to strike it to "The Man". (On the subject of which, I've met "The Man". His names Dave Anstible from Droitwich and he's thoroughly nice when you get to know him. I don't know why people have it in for him so much).
Indeed, in the perfectly summed-up words of my good friend Trina Gautrey;
A peaceful protest, about the death of a local, that turns ugly: that I can sort of understand, even though I think it's unjustifiable and counter productive. However, if any of the scrotes burning people's homes or breaking into charity shops or destroying people's livelihoods could tell me the name of Mark Duggan or his significance, then I'd buy them a pair of effing Reeboks myself.The whole situation is ugly and depresses me to the core. When everything calms down and these little shits find that all of our civil liberties have suffered as a result of their actions, and that their neighbourhoods resemble nothing more than war-zones, then maybe they'll start protesting properly. But because of what you've done, you little fucktards, nobody will listen to you any more. And we'll all suffer as a result.
Or maybe they're protesting about the fact that the youth are being treated like second class citizens? Rest assured, you were treated like royalty compared to how you'll be treated in the future thanks to this.
Thanks for listening,
P.S. Whilst I've got your attention, I have a quick favour to ask. You know Children in Need? If you could stop your presenters appearing on it for some manner of hilarious song and dance routine, I'd be most grateful. It was only any good when Morecambe and Wise did it. Now it's just embarrassing. Cheers.