Thursday, July 28, 2011

Morrissey astonishes scientific community, the sane.

In a human physiology defying feat, the British Medical Council reports, Morrissey has surprised both the scientific community and the world at large by completely vanishing up his own arsehole.

"It's not unprecedented for certain individuals to be on the verge of disappearing up their own sphincter", said Professor Michael Finnegan-Beginagain of the BMC, "Clarkson has been on the verge of critical mass for around a decade, and we believe that Bono, Glenn Beck and the two Jeremies (namely Kyle and Vine) have reached almost a form of equilibrium with the arsehole/existence balance - but this is honestly the first time we've actually seen it happen. Live on stage in front of thousands of witnesses as well."

"He was between songs", said Harriet Hill, a concert-goer at the ill-fated Warsaw Gig on July the 24th, "Just about to start playing Meat is Murder or some other miserable droning piece of shite, when he starting shouting to the crowd - 'We all live in a murderous world, as the events in Norway have shown, with 97 dead. Though that is nothing compared to what happens in McDonald's and Kentucky Fried S*** every day.'"

"That was exactly what he said", repeated a stunned Harriet, "Even the asterisks in Kentucky Fried S***. And I didn't even know how they were even pronounced".

Witnesses reported hearing the sound of a dull 'whoomph' as though air were being replaced by vacuum, before seeing Morrissey vanish into thin air. Concert organisers were first on the scene but found no remains, simply a wilted daffodil where Steven Morrissey once stood.

"I suppose it was inevitable that this would happen someday", continued Finnegan-Beginagain. "Ever since the early days of The Smiths his friends and colleagues were noticing him shrink in height on an almost weekly basis."

Asked if the general public had any reason to be concerned over these recent events, Finnegan-Beginagain reassured us that the same set of circumstances is unlikely to occur within our lifetime, "although we'll be keeping a beady eye on Liam Gallagher. Solely For research purposes, you understand".

Asked what has actually happened to Morrissey, Michael Finnegan-Beginagain shrugged. "It's quite possible that he has simply ceased to exist", he theorised, "but another school of thought suggests that he may have in fact, in the moments of finishing that fated sentence, become a singularity and passed through to another alternate reality, a universe where nothing but Steven Morrissey exists. He's present in every single atom of this potential "Morrissey-verse", as it were, so in this reality finally achieved his aim of being the fucking be-all and end-all".

"On a personal note I'm glad to be shot of the whinging little bastard.", concluded Finnegan-Beginagain, "I never really liked The Smiths and other than a brief little ray of potential hope in "First of the Gang to die", he frankly bored my tits off."

A herd of cows and a brood of chickens were unavailable for comment.

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