Wednesday, October 16, 2013

The Army of the Stupid

"Must.. buy.. puppy.."
There’s a scene in the (quite average) World War Z where a horde of quite nippy (and quite peeved) zombies are scaling the walls of Jerusalem and humanity is struggling to repel them and is quite literally overwhelmed by their sheer numbers.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a laboured metaphor for a very real war that we’re fighting on a daily basis, a never-ending conflict that is raging around us.

The war against the stupid.

My fellow soldiers – and I class you as an ally purely by the good sense and intelligence you have shown by reading my blog - their numbers are great and they are legion. They outnumber us 10 to 1 and they have a great advantage over us – like the zombie who can keep on coming even after being riddled with bullets, they will not cease in their fighting because they are literally too stupid to know when they have lost.

Your witty retorts, sarcastic remarks and snide asides will bounce off them for they are protected by the most powerful armour of all – complete fucking ignorance. That carefully crafted sarcastic turn of phrase? Much to your chagrin, they’ll interpret this as you agreeing with them. I hope now you can fully appreciate the seriousness of the conflict in which we find ourselves.

Tesco released a Christmas brochure which has caused somewhat of a furore amongst the camp of the terminally bewildered. On one page there is a small photograph of a blurred child running past a blackboard that clearly states “All I want for Christmas is a puppy”.

And the armies of the stupid leapt into action quicker than if they’d seen a shared fake web post from a facebook page called “Tescoes” offering them a free £250 voucher.

Keyboards across the land were sprayed with spit and keys jabbed at slowly and furiously by a fuming horde of indignant animal lovers (names changed to protect the stupid).

I am totatlly disgusted with Tesco, first the ad man/woman who thought it a good idea to have that written on the blackboard then a proof reader allowed it through for publication! Get those magazines out of stores tonight or loose yet more customers. I for one will never ever shop in Tesco again.
Mandy Pillock

Now we've all exhibited various levels of disgust in our lives, but none of us can honestly say we've ever quite hit the pinnacle of being totatlly disgusted. It’s good and very astute of Mandy that she can understand that both men and women can work in advertising, but she seems overly concerned with the tautness and/or flaccidity of Tesco customers – and have you ever noticed that the phrase “I for one” is mostly used in complaints?

What's this I hear about plastic bags with badgers on ??? and adverts with children wanting puppies for Christmas.?? What is the matter with you Tesco???
Kevin Cock-for-brains (esq)

What at first may seem like phrases randomly generated by the cut-up technique employed by William S. Burroughs are in fact a plea for help. Kevins fragile grip on reality has been severed by the Tesco advert (and plastic bags with badgers on) and this is a heartfelt plea for help. In the name of all that is holy, what IS the matter with you, Tesco?

As an intelligent person you can probably appreciate that the picture is an innocent portrayal of a typical childs wish for Christmas and is nothing more than a charming festive scene, a small throwaway picture in the corner of a brochure to be mostly ignored, used as cat litter tray lining, rolled up to swat a bothersome fly or used as a solid base for a cup based spider transportation device.

BUT THE STUPID PEOPLE ARE ANGRY. How dare Tesco promote getting a dog for Christmas (which they aren't) in an advert (which it isn't)? Do they not know that eighteen squillion puppies a year are left abandoned on Boxing day?

Here’s the trick. Your children are not the fucking Midwich Cuckoos, capable of telepathically controlling your every thought and whim. If they happen to see the photograph (which, incidentally, thanks to the Stupid people is being reposted and reprinted in every fucking news outlet thanks to their vehement complaining - congratulations there, Einstein) and ask you for a puppy at Christmas because they somehow weirdly associate themselves with a blurry child, I have some advice for you.

Say “No”

It’s a very easy two letter word which, Stupid people, you probably already know. It’s coincidentally the very word you’d use as the answer to the question, “Do you have any fucking sense whatsoever?

Lifestyle pictures in a glossy picture don’t abandon dogs at Christmas. Shit dog owners and crap parents do.

But the tsunami of stupidity continues to batter at the walls of sense, and their armies are ever growing.

But, my fellow soldiers, all is not lost. If we remain patient and steadfast, we may well yet triumph. For the armies of the Stupid have a remarkable Darwinian predilection for destroying themselves - falling off ladders, scalding themselves to death after misinterpreting the "stand in boiling water" instructions on the side of a sponge pudding, dying from starvation when captivated by the "concentrate" label on the side of a bottle of squash, etc.

We may yet triumph. Stand strong, my brothers and sisters.

1 comment:

  1. Unfortunately both of my children are a bit blurry around the edges so a request for a puppy will, most likely be honoured. However I disagree that the stupid will wipe themselves out before too long as they have a tendency to breed faster than they expire, it's the intelligent that will die out as they are the ones that realise that this planet cannot sustain the population growth that currently prevails.


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