For me, it was twenty minutes solid. Yesterday was my review with my GP over my depression. I broke down, as I have at the other appointments, yesterday though was mainly due to mental and physical exhaustion. I'm exhausted being depressed, I'm actually exhausted due to having about two weeks worth of terrible nights sleep (lying awake til about 2.30am, waking around 5am with the intervening hours being massively broken sleep), with last night taking the biscuit for Worst Nights Sleep Ever.
I opened up to the doctor who was not my usual GP (Dr W - not Doctor Who btw). When booking my follow up, I was told my usual GP was away so I couldn't see him...so I cried on the phone to the surgery (which is obviously COMPLETELY normal and like they could do anything). It's a safety thing for me though, and I explained it to the GP (Dr B) yesterday, I feel safe seeing Dr W, just like I feel safe staying in my pyjamas, just like I feel safe staying in the house (I know I should be getting out before you say anything). I told Dr B everything that had happened (as mentioned in my previous blog post), my feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, the fact I'm still having thoughts of self harm... Basically that not much has changed and I'm still scared, anxious, tearful, irritable etc.
Dr B mentioned medication and I was a little apprehensive as I hadn't wanted to take antidepressants again. He seemed to think it was because I saw it as a weakness (which it isn't) I explained my previous experience on Fluoxetine where I just existed, I didn't LIVE...just went through the motions, performed normal daily tasks with little or no emotion and explained to him that I didn't want to go through that again, feeling zombie-like. BUT I'm not really feeling much better than I did when I went to that first appointment back in February, so I thought I might as well give it a shot. He prescribed Citalopram and I started taking it last night. So three more weeks away from work and medication. Hopefully they'll stabilise my moods, for everyones sake. I can't feel any worse, can I?