Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Do Not Adjust Your Sets...
A billion and one blog posts have been written about depression, and so here I go writing another...so forgive me if I bring you all down, normal service blog service (sarcastic ragey posts by David and Tom) will be resumed shortly.
Today I went to the doctor. He signed me off work for three weeks with depression. This is on top of the two previous weeks he'd signed me off for 'work related stress' and depression. Yes, it's true, there was a little situation at work that occurred before Christmas and I thought I was dealing with it. Evidently, I was wrong. I wasn't coping well at all. The incident at my kitchen sink when the thought popped into my head that everyone would be better off if I slit my wrists set off alarm bells and I genuinely got scared.
Trying to cope with my mood swings has been shit, really really shit. I was crying at least once a day, not sleeping properly, frightened of getting up out of bed, terrified of going into work, into the situation that kicked off this little episode of mental. Due to all this nonsense, I've had to stop doing the voluntary work that I work hard to do, that I enjoy doing, the things that make me who I am. And that hurts me. I'm better off when I'm helping others, I'm not too great at being helped.
And then of course, once one shit thing happens, every other little rubbish thing in life becomes magnified and I was (and am, still to some extent) a bag of worry, nerves and tears. And I have to live with that every day (for the time being).
When David was going through his illness a couple of years back, I was there for him. I supported him as best I could and he was so appreciative of me. I genuinely didn't know why because isn't that what your other half does? Isn't it what any human being would do? Now the shoe is on the other foot and he's there for me. I know he's finding it difficult (mainly because I am difficult) but I'm so thankful he's there.
The people who know what's been wrong with me have been brilliant, all my close friends and especially my family (a good few tips from my da on how to cope at work have been much appreciated).
So I'm off for three more weeks, with a view to getting psychological input and trying to NOT take meds (Fluoxetine made me a zombie). A break away (already planned before my brain hit meltdown) up to the seaside for David's birthday is the first thing I've looked forward to for months...
I'm trying to be brighter and sunnier - and it WILL happen - watch this space...