Fresh on the revelations that some Findus Lasagnes were found to contain 100% horsemeat, the Food Standards Agency (FSA) have ordered UK tests on all processed food products.
The Soylent Corporation, manufacturers of the popular Soylent Green - a green wafer advertised as containing processed high-energy plankton (and a market leader based on the previous product lines Soylent Red and Soylent Yellow) have asked to be excluded from the FSA tests, admitting - with some humility and embarrassment - that their product is already 100% horse-meat.
William R. Simonson, a director of the Soylent Corporation, issued a press release to all media outlets from his offices yesterday evening.
"As a charitable corporation we feel we have a responsibility to society - and on this occasion we feel that we have let you all down. The ingredients on the side of a packet of Soylent Green (available in snack, sports, family and party packs from all good stores) clearly state that the ingredients are a mixture of farmed and genetically engineered plankton, high in nutrition and palatability - However due to the recent scarcity of plankton (primarily due to greedy Whales) we are forced to admit that we have been adding horse-meat to our product to ensure that we could fulfill our orders.
This was a mistake, and we are truly sorry. We've let you, the people, down. And we feel that you, the people, are a very important component of our product.
So we ask that we can put all of this behind us and that we will not have to undergo the time wasting exercise of having the FSA test our products. It's all horsemeat. We hold our hands high and admit our guilt. Yummy, yummy horse-meat. FSA Tests would be a waste of all of our times.
William R. Simonson,
Director of Soylent Corporation"