Monday, February 04, 2013

An Adventure 557 years in the making..!

"A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse!".
Or something.
Experts from the University of Leicester have confirmed that a skeleton found beneath a Leicester Car Park has indeed been confirmed as being that of English King Richard III – whose grave was lost when the church around it was demolished in the 16th century.

The news also comes as great news to the Californian Generic Engineering company InGen, sponsors of the dig that revealed the corpse. The Billionaire Philanthropist CEO of InGen John Hammond called a press conference this morning to announce the news of both the confirmed findings and to reveal the next step that his company – still reeling from a weak fiscal first quarter – is undertaking.

"The fields of generic engineering, specifically those concentrating on the science of cloning, have moved on leaps and bounds in recent years.", Hammond announced, "We have purchased and secured an island, namely Isla Nublar near Costa Rica’s Pacific Coast, where we plan to create the first amusement park based around the life of Richard III, entirely populated by cloned versions of Richard himself."

"The bones are of a man in his late 20s or early 30s and carbon dating has verified them as being from a period from between 1455 and 1540, and the injuries to the skeleton – 10 in all, including 8 to the skull, are consistent with what we knew from accounts of the Battle of Bosworth that took his life. Using modern scientific techniques we will extract the DNA of Richard III and clone him for the amusement park that we have tentatively called ‘Richard the Third Park’."

"That’s only a working title, you understand", Hammond said, smiling.

"We plan on having a Visitor centre located at the centre of the park, where you’ll be able to view skeletons of Richard III and learn more about the inhabitants of the island. In the auditorium you’ll be able to view a short video on the history of Richard III and the 1955 film starring Laurence Olivier - and a short animated film containing our child friendly spokeperson Mr. DNA will show you how scientists brought him back to life - and if you’re really lucky you’ll even get to briefly glimpse the real miracle workers of Richard III Park as they fertilize and birth new versions of the withered armed Crouch-back king".

"Tours will depart continuously through the day from the Visitor Centre.  The computer controlled tour vehicle will follow a route through the main gate and into the park, where you can view most of the parks Richards. You’ll be able to see hordes of Richards grazing majestically at the edge of our huge man-made lake, and you'll also pass through their nesting grounds – you’ll want to make sure to roll up your windows as you pass though, as they can spit a blinding venom when threatened. Unfortunately many of the types of Richard - including the child and teenage variant - will prefer to lurk away from the tour vehicles, but in these cases park staff will often provide live animals as food to attract the Richards – vegetarians and others who do not want to witness the ensuing feeding frenzy are advised to look away."

"Safety will of course be paramount to the park guests. As I said earlier, it will be wise to avoid the blinding venom of the teenage Richard III. In the case of an emergency – which of course, due to the precautions we will take will be next to impossible – we’ll remind visitors that Richard III only tracks by movement. However, Electric fences will keep all Richards within their designated areas."

"These are of course, early days", continued Hammond, "but I will be taking a representative of my investors along with Ian McKellen and a skilled palaeontologist and palaeobotanist to determine how and when this ambitious project can be achieved."

"And I'm taking a mathematician along as well, for some reason."

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