An open letter to Samantha Brick

And now, good friends (with the final word on the subject of Samantha Black), a guest post from new contributor Mary - an open letter to Samantha Brick.

Dear Samantha Brick,

As one of the poor souls who are wracked with jealousy over your awe-inspiring beauty, I would just like to make the following observations:

1. Have you noticed that: 

a. Of the nine celebrities that the Mail has quoted commenting on you, five (over half) are men?

 

b. Some of the people who have written in support of you have been women? 

c. Some of the people who have written messages criticising you have been men?

I’m going to bet that you haven’t noticed this, because it doesn’t fit in with what your massive ego is telling you, i.e. that none of this (people disliking you) is your fault. 

2. I think it’s time that we acknowledged some of the differences between the sexes which are crucial to this debate:

a. Women are generally far better than men at sniffing out and detecting bullshit. 

b. Some men – not all men, but some (because, unlike you, I’m not willing to make proclamations about an entire gender based on which kind of genitalia they have) – are, at the best of times, simple creatures; witless beasts who are almost entirely controlled by "The Man Downstairs". What these men want from womankind can be summed up in the phrase, “Show up naked. Bring beer”. These are the men who will buy you coffee and plane tickets simply because you are a simpering, fawning, flirtatious blonde. I reckon that your dad was also one of these men; that you had him wrapped around your finger from the day you were born; and that he called you "Daddy’s Little Princess" long after it stopped being cute and well into it being inappropriate. 

I also think it’s highly likely that you’re one of those women who thinks that every man on earth fancies you, and that any man who doesn’t is gay. You are wrong. On both counts.

c. Another thing I’ve noticed is the way you proudly proclaim that you don’t drink or smoke, rarely eat chocolate, and work out regularly. Given that you live in France, and that I would imagine that it is safe to assume that many of the women who are currently shunning you are French, I’m going to suggest to you that they are doing so because you are b-o-r-in-g. Yes, that’s right. Boring. The French are well known for defying the usual statistics with regard to premature deaths via drinking, smoking and generally indulging in Joie de vivre; I can only imagine the disdain, contempt and pity with which they regard a goody-two-shoes such as you.

3. I’ve also noticed that on several occasions you have claimed to have been mistreated by a woman, only for another woman to inform you that the first woman is jealous of, and/or threatened by, you. I have a few observations to make about this:

a. I think most people have the misfortune to experience behaviour like this at some point in their lives. I would like to point out that it is largely indulged in by people who are actually extremely unpleasant themselves: they are looking to wind you up for a “joke”; they are point-scoring; they are playing you and the first woman off against each other for their own amusement; it is actually themselves who are jealous of, and/or threatened by, you. You should consider all of these possibilities before judging the behaviour of the first woman.

b. Also, you should really try to make some better friends. If the first woman was a real friend, she would not be jealous of, and/or threatened by, you. If the second woman was a real friend, she would not be trying to inflame this situation. The fact that you seem incapable of making friends with normal, nice people (judging from the fact that this kind of thing has happened to you repeatedly) – which I dare say is at least partly due to your vanity and extreme self-absorption – means that making new friends will be difficult, but please, for the sake of all of us, do try.

c. Given that you have already indicated how delusional you are, I think there is a distinct possibility that you are actually reacting to voices in your head telling you how fabulous you are. Please see a psychiatrist for some therapy and appropriate medication. Perhaps he will be able to convince you of your numerous character flaws. You know, the ones that you keep on trying to place on other people. (That’s called projection in psychiatric circles, you know).

4. “If Brad Pitt were to say: 'Yes, I'm a good-looking fella,' then the world would nod sagely in agreement. But if Angelina Jolie uttered something along those lines, she'd be subject to the same foaming-at-the-mouth onslaught hurled at me yesterday”.

Let’s immediately disregard the fact that you feel you can mention your name in the same breath as Brangelina…

I think this is bullshit. Do you know why it is highly unlikely that anyone famous, regardless of gender, would ever say such a thing? Two reasons spring to mind:

a. Because people don’t tend to like others who are immodest and vain. Hopefully, that will give you some clue as to where you’re going wrong. Unless it was said with a nudge and a wink and a huge dollop of tongue-in-cheek (none of which has been obvious in any of your articles – although they were hilarious in their own way, I’ll give you that), any famous person would instantly lose so many fans that their career would effectively be over.

b. Famous people have generally become famous because they’re exceptionally talented at something, so they don’t need to boast about how gorgeous they are. Yes, Pitt and Jolie are quite unfairly good looking (unlike your wonky-faced self), but they are also very good at what they do – hence the plaudits bestowed on them. But what do you have to offer, Sam? Other than being, in the words of (the equally deluded) Derek Zoolander, "really, really, really, really, really good-looking"?

5. “I work at [my appearance] — I don’t drink or smoke, I work out, even when I don’t feel like it, and very rarely succumb to chocolate.”

“So now I’m 41 and probably one of very few women entering her fifth decade welcoming the decline of my looks. I can’t wait for the wrinkles and the grey hair that will help me blend into the background.”

Firstly, are you even aware of the discrepancy between these two statements?

Secondly, I think the solution to your "problem" is fairly obvious. Can you see what it is, Sam? Can you? Unfortunately (for you), I think it’s also obvious that, due to your role as trophy wife in your dysfunctional marriage to your bully-boy, gun-toting hunk of a husband (of whom I’m incredibly jealous of you, yet again), there’s no way that you will ever be given permission to "let yourself go". I’m sure those bullets will be heading in your direction, should you ever start slipping up.

6. With regard to your boasts about free champagne, flowers, plane tickets, etc.: Wow. Strange how this sounds just like one of those adverts for Impulse from the ‘80s. You truly are living the dream.

7. Calm the fuck down.

8. Get over yourself. Capiche?