Monday, November 21, 2011

People made 0.000017% more vaguely aware of stuff through copy-and-pasted Facebook status, predictable study reveals.

Somebody in a stock photograph generally being
made more aware of stuff.
The International Institute of Stuff (formerly the International Institute of things, and ooh numbers and shit) today published the results of their groundbreaking research into Facebook behaviour, a result of almost 8 minutes of study.

"We're currently having the research verified by the International Consortium for Checking Stuff, but if the results are accurate they make for shocking reading", revealed The Director of Stuff Kevin Gusset (BSc).

"We'd previously thought that copy and pasting a status and asking your friends to do the same had no actual result or bearing in the real world, but if these statistics are correct then this simply isn't true. People in general, as a result of this, are in fact made 0.000017% more aware of stuff."

Gusset elaborated, "At any one time there are up to 8 million bits of stuff that people are simply unaware of or, more frequently, simply don't give a flying fuck about. By the diligent work of hundreds of individuals copying and pasting stuff reminding us how some people are ill, some people love their dads, some people have died of stuff, etcetera, this stuff gets back into the public domain. And in the case of some of these bits of stuff, it's actually much simpler just to copy and paste a Facebook status than it is to do actually do something constructive about it."

Gusset continued, "And of course, it's vitally important for some to post this stuff so they actually appear like they care about whatever they've copied and pasted. And you know, haven't just simply done a Control C and Control V in a status box, and then forgotten about that bit of stuff completely. These people provide an extremely valuable service in clogging up peoples news feeds. This stuff needs to be circulated. With modern technology, the internet is simply too fast. It's necessary that people find ways to slow it down in whichever way they see fit, even if this means turning a Facebook news feed into something resembling little more than a prolonged blog about how shit life can treat people sometimes."

"And let's not forget that the most critical part of this", he continued, "is to openly confront and challenge the morality of your Facebook friends. It's simply not enough to copy and paste this stuff, but you must also dare them to do the same. Even if this just means taking a random percentage you've just made up and saying that only that number of your friends will actually dare to put this as their status. As though copy and pasting some dull-as-ditchwater bleeding heart status makes you a braver and more thoroughly rounded person. This is the key to the viral nature of this boring shit."

"And lets not forget", concluded Gusset, "the secondary service that this copy-and-pasting achieves. An entire subgroup of individuals whose sole purpose is to mock those who copy-and-paste. It's like the Circle of Life. Or more precisely, the Circle of Stuff."

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