I Decline/I Accept/Cancel

Today is the day when we've finally proven our dominion over the machines in that we've survived Judgement Day* - The Skynet missile system didn't go live two days ago on the 19th of April 2011, and never declared war and triggered an apocalypse today.  Well, not quite yet anyway.  We'll neatly forget the fact that armed remote drones are patrolling the skies of Libya.  But on the other hand, we've suddenly all become terrified of our handheld devices in that it's been uncovered that a certain variety of them (the iVariety to be specific) have been keeping track of our dull, dull movements for no specific purpose whatsoever.  Where's John Connor when you need him?  Swearing profusely at a director of photography, probably.

The fact that certain Apple devices have been monitoring and recording our location has been big news this week with shocked reporters and end users alike shrieking with sheer horror, some openly urinating themselves with fear.  The security experts that identified this evil subterfuge on the part of Apple clearly hadn't read the details they'd signed up to when they excitedly activated their iThing.

"Apple and our partners and licensees may collect, use, and share precise location data, including the real-time geographic location of your Apple computer or device. This location data is collected anonymously in a form that does not personally identify you and is used by Apple and our partners and licensees to provide and improve location-based products and services. For example, we may share geographic location with application providers when you opt in to their location services."

The above text, which makes it quite obvious what Apple can and will do, is in black and white in the EULA - that annoying little scrolling text thing 'twixt installation and actually running any bloody thing - that thing we all happily scroll down to the bottom of and click 'Agree'.

Cartoon courtesy of Brainstuck.com

Ah, End User License Agreements.  We've all seen them, and we've all completely disregarded them.  But at what cost?  Which of us can claim to have ever read and fully digested the huge swathes of meaningless legal jargon we're presented with when we install a new application/game or sign up to some new forum?  I'll be honest that on my machine an EULA is just an excuse to use the mouse scroll wheel - but what have I missed?

I've spent today doing a little research into some of the more common End User License Agreements, ones that you too may have accepted whilst hurriedly going through the motions in order to use your new gadget, forum or piece of exciting software.

Let's take a quick peek at the Windows XP Home Edition EULA;

8. ADDITIONAL SOFTWARE/SERVICES. This EULA applies to updates, supplements, add-on components, or Internet-based services components, of the Software that Microsoft may provide to you or make available to you after the date you obtain your initial copy of the Software, unless we provide other terms along with the update, supplement, add-on component, or Internet-based services component. Microsoft reserves the right to discontinue any Internet-based services provided to you or made available to you through the use of the Software.

9. UPGRADES. To use Software identified as an upgrade, you must first be licensed for the software identified by Microsoft as eligible for the upgrade. After upgrading, you may no longer use the software that formed the basis for your upgrade eligibility.

10. PRIVILEGES. Microsoft Staff reserve the right to grope through your belongings when you're out and potentially steal your underwear for sinister purposes.  If they find a copy of Windows ME in your software collection, any Microsoft Staff Member and/or engineer reserves the right to openly kick you and/or your pet in the street.

11. NOT FOR RESALE SOFTWARE. Software identified as "Not For Resale" or "NFR," may not be sold or otherwise transferred for value, or used for any purpose other than demonstration, test or evaluation.

Scary stuff, eh?  Bet you wish you hadn't been in so much a hurry to click 'Accept' now.  Just hide that copy of Windows ME if you're unfortunate enough to possess one.  

World of Warcraft has more than 12 million subscribers and an EULA that is literally 2,236,875,211,303 words long.  If you read it from start to finish it would take you 114 years to read - it took 137 years to write - so very few have read it in its entirety.  But if we take a look at some of the more sinister undertones in some of the later sections:

You hereby acknowledge and agree that:

A. WHEN RUNNING, THE GAME MAY MONITOR YOUR COMPUTER'S RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY (RAM) AND/OR CPU PROCESSES FOR UNAUTHORIZED THIRD PARTY PROGRAMS RUNNING CONCURRENTLY WITH WORLD OF WARCRAFT. AN “UNAUTHORIZED THIRD PARTY PROGRAM” AS USED HEREIN SHALL BE DEFINED AS ANY THIRD PARTY SOFTWARE THAT, WHEN USED SIMULTANEOUSLY OR IN CONNECTION WITH THE GAME, WOULD CONSTITUTE A VIOLATION OF SECTIONS 1, 2 OR 7. IN THE EVENT THAT THE GAME DETECTS AN UNAUTHORIZED THIRD PARTY PROGRAM, BLIZZARD MAY (a) COMMUNICATE INFORMATION BACK TO BLIZZARD, INCLUDING WITHOUT LIMITATION THE ACCOUNT NAME, DETAILS ABOUT THE UNAUTHORIZED THIRD PARTY PROGRAM DETECTED, AND THE TIME AND DATE THE UNAUTHORIZED THIRD PARTY PROGRAM WAS DETECTED; AND/OR (b) EXERCISE ANY OR ALL OF ITS RIGHTS UNDER ANY BLIZZARD AGREEMENT, WITH OR WITHOUT PRIOR NOTICE TO THE USER, AND/OR (c) FIRE UP THE BIG 'AWOOOGA' ALARM.

B. WHEN THE GAME IS RUNNING, BLIZZARD MAY OBTAIN CERTAIN IDENTIFICATION INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR COMPUTER, INCLUDING WITHOUT LIMITATION YOUR HARD DRIVES, CENTRAL PROCESSING UNIT, COLOUR OF CASE, SHAPE OF DESK, IP ADDRESS(ES) AND OPERATING SYSTEM(S), FOR PURPOSES OF IMPROVING THE GAME AND/OR THE SERVICE, AND TO POLICE AND ENFORCE THE PROVISIONS OF ANY BLIZZARD AGREEMENT.

C. WHEN THE GAME IS RUNNING, BLIZZARD WILL OPENLY POST ON FORUMS ABOUT YOU WHEN YOU'RE NOT IN A POSITION TO RESPOND.  THEY MAY REFER TO WITH NAMES SUCH AS 'BUMJOCKEY', 'CHAPLICKER', 'FANNYBREATH' AND 'POOHEAD'.  BLIZZARD ALSO RESERVE THE RIGHT TO YOUR FIRST BORN CHILD, OR EVEN YOUR SECOND BORN SHOULD THEY CHOOSE TO.  

Hopefully this chilling text has given you pause for thought.  I urge you to think on before being so eager with that 'Acknowledge' button.  Your soul may already be forfeit, but take solace in the fact that you've probably signed it over to so many different organisations that the ensuing legal battle for it at the point of your death means it'll probably default back to you anyway.


* - And yes, I know that there are about five different Judgement Days in the Terminator universe due to that whole timey-wimey wibbly thing that any time travelling series is likely to do, but I frankly don't care.  I chose the 21st of April one because it would have been pointless me mentioning it on a post today for one.