From: George Mildred
To: Kevin Metaldot; Davros Kilcline; Burgundy Smallfont; Nathan Squirrelface; Darren Internal-Combustion-Engine; Stavros GloriousFiveYearPlan; Cyan Hamstring; Piotr MadeUpSurname; Hamfist McGraw; Oscar Goldman
Subject: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: Fwd: HUGE VIRUS COMING! PLEASE READ & FORWARD!
From: David Sycophant
To: Lucy Fractal; Emma Royd; Tara Masalata; George Mildred; Sandra Recursion-Recursion
Sent: Friday, March 11, 2011 08:17:11 +0000
Subject: FWD: FWD: FWD: Fwd: HUGE VIRUS COMING! PLEASE READ & FORWARD!
From: Colin Leviathan
To: Harry Clone; Harry Clone; Joe Motherboard; David Sycophant; Lord Lucan; Wilberforce Parameter
Sent: Friday, March 11, 2011 08:12:17 +0000
Subject: FWD: FWD: Fwd: HUGE VIRUS COMING! PLEASE READ & FORWARD!
---- Original Message ----
From: Mike Prick
To: Anthony Skinflap; Anne and Alan Winkyscrape; Colin Leviathan; Nigel Tickle-on-the-Tum
Sent: Friday, March 11, 2011 07:51:20 +0000
Subject: FWD: Fwd: HUGE VIRUS COMING! PLEASE READ & FORWARD!
---- Original Message ----
From: Barbara Twatt
To: Mike Prick
Sent: Friday, March 11, 2011 07:31:50 +0000
Subject: Fwd: HUGE VIRUS COMING! PLEASE READ & FORWARD!
HUGE VIRUS COMING ! PLEASE READ & FORWARD!
This has been checked with Norton Anti-Virus, and they are gearing up for this virus! and also checked Snopes, and it is for real. Get this E-mail message sent around to all your contacts ASAP.
PLEASE FORWARD THIS WARNING AMONG YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY AND CONTACTS!
You should be alert during the next few days. Do not open any message with an attachment entitled 'POSTCARD FROM HALLMARK,'regardless of who sent it to you. It is a virus which opens A POSTCARD IMAGE, which 'burns' the whole hard disc C drive of your computer.
This virus will be received from someone who has your e-mail address on his/her contact list. That is the reason why you need to send this e-mail to all your contacts. It is better to receive this message 25 times than to receive the virus and open it
If you receive a mail called 'POSTCARD' even if it is sent to you by a friend, do not open it! Shut down your computer immediately. This is the worst virus announced by CNN.
It has been classified by Microsoft as the most destructive virus ever. This virus was discovered by McAfee yesterday, and there is no repair yet for this kind of virus. This virus simply destroys the Zero Sector of the Hard Disc, where the vital information is kept.
COPY THIS E-MAIL, AND SEND IT TO YOUR FRIENDS.
REMEMBER: IF YOU SEND IT TO THEM, YOU WILL BENEFIT ALL OF US
Before we tackle the difficult subject of the idiots who propogate stuff like this, let's have a look at the BIG BAD VIRUS warning itself, shall we? Frightening, isn't it? It's reassuring to know that Norton have their technicians on standby though, all waiting to leap into action at the sound of the virus alarm, slide down their firemans poles and take to their desks, ready to tackle this grave threat to humanity. IT'S NOT EVEN ON SNOPES, PEOPLE - so it must be genuine!
What? It gets WORSE? CNN, which is always my very first port of call for any potential computer related cyberthreat (right after the virus news infodump during the end credits of Chucklevision) says it's the worst virus ever? Quick kids, get the panic room ready. Looks like we might be in for a long haul. Make sure it's packed out with biscuits.
Surely Microsoft are calling this a hoax - Surely those brave stalwarts will have some kind of solution for this - they can't let us down in our hour of need! What? THEY'RE SAYING IT'S THE MOST DESTRUCTIVE VIRUS EVER? To the bunkers! Woman and Children first! And set your phones to flight mode.. we don't want this thing getting in here with us! It'll be like John Carpenters "The Thing"!
Oh, the humanity! How can we stop the spread of this evil plague? Planes will be falling out of the skies! Life Support machines will fail! WHAT CAN WE DO? Luckily this email thoughtfully comes with all the instructions you'll need to prevent cyberpocalypse.
So I get an email called 'Postcard' from somebody I don't know - all makes sense so far. And I don't open the attachment that comes with it. HUMANITY IS SAVED!
To the senders of these emails? The brave Good Samaritans risking life and limb to warn mankind of the potential devastation their actions can send? Your IT manager needs to give you one simple instruction when you're first plonked open-mouthed and drooling in front of your computer, and it's as simple as this:
If you get an attachment from somebody you don't know and you open it, regardless of whether it's got a virus, you will be sacked. And not only will you be sacked but the technicians from the IT department have permission to lie you on the floor and kick you until your kidneys break. (Sign this disclaimer here.. and here. Thanks). And then you'll have to wear a sign with soft foam edges around your neck that reads "My kidneys don't work because I don't deserve them" and won't be allowed to use anything more complicated than a pen and paper in future. Actually, make that a crayon - you can't be trusted with a pen because you'll probably end up accidentally stabbing yourself through the eye with it the first time it stops working.
And if you're an IT manager (or whatever lofty title you've given yourself which way outstrips your actual duties) who spreads one of these insidious emails? All of the above but you'll also be forced to fill out this mandatory government form which will prevent you from ever being employed in the IT industry ever again. And any letters after your name will be legally replaced with "Duuuuuuh" which you'll have to, by law, include in your email signature. Thats the bit that appears at the end of your emails. And don't worry - a civil servant will change that for you, because you'll probably struggle.
The only virus that ever exists in these emails is the malignant fleshy hairy cancer called stupid people. And Norton, even with their flashy red sirens and bat-poles can't do anything about that. But rest assured the people who send these emails will be first against the wall when the revolution comes - but will undoubtedly be facing in the wrong fucking direction because they can't follow simple instructions.