Simon Cowells Quarter 4 Media Extravaganza

It’s that quarter of the year again, the one where every single form of media dedicates itself to the musical pantomime that is the X Factor. Yes, even Super 8 cassettes and Smoke Signals. “What we would really like, Dave”, I hear you ask, “Is the opinions of somebody who doesn’t really pay attention to it other than through a form of osmosis by your presence in a room when it’s on television when you’re doing considerably more entertaining things on your laptop”.

Your prayers are answered! No, that one. It’s too short notice and she’s got a busy schedule. And I suspect that it's illegal.  Here is your mostly factless and heavily flawed guide to our new bunch of identikit hopefuls who by this time next year will be but a fleeting memory.  Or engineered to such an extent that they'll bear no resemblance to the people they are at present.



Aiden Grimshaw
Aiden Grimshaw is clearly the creation of a vile and inhuman scientific experiment by the boffins at Simon Cowells secret Volcano lair, as he’s obviously just a clone of last year’s winner Joe Elderberry. You remember Joe – he’s the one who completely vanished from the radar until a few weeks back when he announced he was gay, which of course had no connections to his shortly-to-be-released second single. Admittedly the original designs were badly photocopied so he’s slightly taller, but other than that there’s nothing to differentiate them. Same bland vocal stylings? Check. Longing expressions to whichever camera is unfortunate enough to be facing him? Check. Sounds like he’d be better off doing musical theatre? Check. Implanted subliminal command to assassinate the Archbishop of Canterbury when he hears the trigger phrase, “All the ducks are swimming in the water?”. Check. If he doesn’t win this year he’ll be melted down for spare materials for Joe and you’ll never hear from him again. GUARANTEED.

One Direction
With a combined age of 15¾, the five members of One Direction tick all the boxes for a new Boy band. (That’s not even a metaphor by the way, a new Conservative white paper legally requires all new Boy Band applications to be officially documented and filed before they can be formed). Ooh look, there’s the cute boyish one. Another cute boyish one. The boyish cute one, and one that’s annoyingly boyishly cute. And the wild card of the group – A cute boyish cute one. One and all a textbook example of why children should be sent up chimneys again or be carted off to the Workhouse. If they don’t win, expect them all to be arrested several years down the line having been found stealing ‘kerchiefs from the gentry for their evil paymaster Gary Barlow.  One Direction?  I'll give them a direction.  Get back to Bland City, you cheeky urchins.  Or get the next train to FuckOffsVille.  I'll meet you at the station.

Treyc Cohen
Bland warblings you’ve heard a million times before – but I must admit her parents Marj-R-e and Rob@ must be chuffed to little bits to see their daughter amongst the finalists.

Diva Fever
Camper than a row of pink tents in Brighton, Diva Fever resemble a Kwik-Save Scissor Sisters with any slight hint of musical talent beaten out of them with ugly sticks. Hold that thought for a moment. Horrible, isn’t it?  And if they ARE the Scissor sisters, they're the type of blunt rounded scissors that only children and people who have to have their food cut up for them are allowed to use.  Pointless.

Storm Lee
Ooh look, it’s the vaguely rocky one – provided your version of rock is as bland as water flavoured pebbles sprinkled with salted nothingness. His ambition is to be as big as Bono from U2 – Well done, Storm Lee (real name Hurricane Thompson) you’re almost there. In just a few weeks you’ve managed to be as annoying a cock as Bono ever was. He’s got bright red hair which got me quite excited on the occasions when I looked up at the telly – for one brilliant joyful moment I thought he’d been set alight.  He hadn't.  Sadface.

Cher Lloyd
Cher Lloyd is one of the most innovative acts of the 21st century, with a rare beauty and demeanour that sets up over and above any other X Factor finalist that has ever been. Or at least that’s the thought constantly spinning around inside the head of Cher Lloyd – a thought that will never be experienced by any other living soul. Magical Powers: Getting through a stage of X Factor without singing a single note.

Rebecca Ferguson and John Adeleye
Sorry, dropped off for a minute there.  Are they even contestants?  I don't remember them.

Matt Cardle
Love rat Matt the Hat (you can have that one for free, News Of The World) has a hat.  And he sings as well.  I'd call him as dull as ditchwater, but that would be a disservice to ditchwater - which as the treasurer of the National Finding Exciting Things In Ditchwater Investigation Gang, I'd be at pains to do.  If the fact that you wear a hat is the sole interesting thing about you, it's time to give life in as a bad lot - "We've had a lovely afternoon, Jim.  It's time to give somebody else a chance".  Rumoured to have dumped his girlfriend shortly after his first audition to give his career a better chance.  Probably a lucky escape for her before she was sucked into his dull vortex of mediocrity.

Belle Amie
Belle Amie literally translates to “Oh, just fucking give up”. Or may not.  Like One Direction, one of the groups engineered by Cowell, each of the individual members being failed contestants at the solo stage.  Odd how these got through, isn't it?

Paije Richardson
Paije is the rare combination in an X Factor finalist of somebody who is a likeable guy with a different sounding voice, so clearly will be voted off in the next couple of weeks. Another contestant who I’d gladly get in touch with to pay the Deed Poll fee to get his name changed to a proper one.

F.Y.D.
F.O.A.D.

Katie Waissel
One of the two resident divas in the finals (the other being Cher "Cheryl Cole" Lloyd), she's had some bad press this last week.  Good.  She's fucking shit.

Nicola Festa
Literally made no impact on me.  The only potential thing I can think to say about her is a weak Addams family pun on her surname, and I can't even get excited enough to do that.  EDIT: Tara has just corrected me in that Nicola Festa is in fact male.  That's clearly how much of an impression this particular act had on me.

Mary Byrne
Much like Paige, a humble person with a great voice.  However it's rumoured that a harsh winter is coming, which will more than likely kill off or hospitalise the majority of her voting public.

Wagner
Wagner simply hasn’t got a clue. Father of Chico (and therefore official Co-Owner of ‘Chico Time™’) Wagner resembles nothing less than the offspring of Peter Stringfellow and Chris De Burgh. Next to no talent in either the twin schools of dancing or singing, but performing as though his very life depends on it - and through this desperation alone, managed to do the most entertaining performance of the entire evening. Even if he doesn’t win, he’ll be offered the role of the Cowardly Lion in pantomimes for years to come. Even though he’ll probably forget most of his lines.

Simon Cowell must be rubbing his hands together with twisted glee.  The utterly genius move to not only get free publicity for your acts, but to actually get the public to pay for the whole marketing exercise, is nothing short of brilliance.  Roll on Q4 2011!