Friday, August 20, 2010

The Expenduhbles

Much of the time, a lot of people can be fucking idiots.  Don't just take my word for it, have a look at the handy Venn diagram I've carefully prepared.  It's a well known fact that Venn Diagrams are constructed by and backed up by SCIENCE so can't be disputed.

I'm going to do something never done before on the blog before; ("What?  Say something interesting?  Huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh" I fictionally hear you cry).  I'm going to review not a film, but a review of a film.  A review of a film that I haven't even seen.  A meta-review if you will. 

I'm a reader of (and subscriber to) an entertaining film magazine published by Future called Total Film.  You may have seen it on your local newsagent shelves - it's the one that's not Empire.  I'm also a follower of Total Film on the mystical portal known as Facebook.

Today Total Film had the audacity to post their review of the new Stallone / Statham / Li / Lundgren / Roberts / Rourke / Schwarzenegger / Willis / countless other DTV actors movie "The Expendables".  They awarded it 2 stars out of a possible 5.

Now, this low score appears to have bothered many, many people.  Many have reacted in that strongest of ways; threatening to cancel their subscription.  Let's have a look at a few of the choicier points made against the post on facebook shall we?

"bad reviewing."Prick.  Next.

"Most fun we HAD at the cinema. Did exactly what is was supposed to. To criticise it is to dismiss its whole point, similar to Neil Marshalls 'Doomsday'"

So, The Expendables, in the eyes of this humble individual, has achieved the elusive Holy Grail of cinema, that it is beyond criticism.  And he's put HAD in uppercase for some obscure reason.  Unfortunately the guy who wrote this comment clearly isn't, as I think he's a twat.  But to be fair, he did exactly what he was supposed to - be a twat. 

"How is it as soon as our goverment goes more upper class and up them selfs so does our film magazines? Next week caviar replaces popcorn, and why casual clothing is not the appropiate attire to wear at the cinema"

Yeah, because not liking one particular action film means you hate them and the genre as a whole.  And like to throw your worn out top hats into the caps of beggars.  Let's forget the glowing reviews that Total Film has given to action films in its history.

"this review is a complete nonsense! Its like slagging off cheese for being cheese! Ignore it, go see it. You will have a blast!"

Is cheese beyond criticism?  What if it's really shit cheese?  I had some shit cheese once.  It had raisins in.  Who the fuck puts raisins in cheese?

"i dont think total film got this movie it an action packed movie sure it wont win any oscars but if u want an entertianig 2hrs of none stop action u cant go wrong there is the soft action films like bourne this full on none stop and its great it what action fans have been crying out for so for tf to give i 2 stars is so wrong u need to get in touch wit your readers. tf got this wrong big time no way is it a 2 star movie 3 at the least its better than bourne and salt which are soft rated action films this is a ful on blow out that what makes it so much fun cant every movie be better i think u put up a bad reveiw cos u think its fashionble to not like stallone and other stars in the move where has ur sense of fun empire gave it a better reviw and a more fair one... dont get me wrong i love tf and its my fave film mag but u got it wrong big time."

This one's my favourite, although I struggled with it a few times due to the lack of punctuation or grammar. 

Now, I've never seen The Expendables.  I wouldn't be loathe to do so, despite the poor reviews, but I'm certainly in no rush either.  What bothers me is people hurling cries of "Rubbish review.  You're wrong" at critics.  If you've seen a film (as I hope all the above have, and aren't just defending the film for the sake of it) and somebody else hates it, does it somehow make your experience any less enjoyable?  Do you like the film less because somebody in a magazine says that you should do?  From the levels of abuse hurled at this particular critic, you'd think he'd posted a photograph of everybody who liked it on the internet with the caption "Thicky Thicky McIdiot liked The Expendables.  Everybody spit on him".  One man.  One opinion.  That's what they employ him for.

So, in a nutshell.  Reviewer does honest review.  Some people agree, most people disagree.  World keeps turning, film doesn't cease to exist.  Now, the weather.

Actually, on reflection, this blog post makes me just as bad as the individuals above.  They're complaining about a review expressing his own honest opinion, and I'm just doing the same to them.  Forget I said anything.  As you were.

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