This is horticulturally significant

Zombies, eh? Blimey, they're scary. Shuffling along like pensioners clogging up the aisles at Mark and Spencers, these relentless denizens of the undead are relentless and remorseless. And much like HP Customer Services, they absolutely can not be reasoned with and will not rest until you are dead.

What defence to use in the inevitable zombie uprising, eh? Machine Guns? Unreliable and wasteful of ammo. Flamethrowers? Have you any idea how long flesh takes to burn? Do you really want a big walking molotov cocktail shambling towards you? What? You do? You're an idot then. Think about what you've said, and when you're ready to join the realms of the sensible again you're allowed to carry on reading.

Pop cap games have the right idea on how to keep the zombie menace at bay - by enlisting the aid of a species we happily share the planet with, albeit a species that doesn't really owe us any favours. Perhaps it was because some bright spark invented Baby Bio, for in the forthcoming holocaust it shall be the humble plant that aids us in our time of need.

The quite literal title of this foliage versus undead simulator is Plants Versus Zombies. In its simplest terms, it's a (sort of) variation on the old tower defence game - and is one of the most fun, lovingly presented and maddeningly addictive (and stupidly cheap) games I've played in an age.

The sirens have sounded and at the first sign of panic you've holed yourself like some survivalist Alan Titchmarsh straight up in your house, leaving the door wide open for some crazy reason. All the stands between the shuffling decaying masses and your tender delicious brains is your garden - and this is where the fun starts.

From your arsenal of seeds you'll plant your offensive and defensive plants on your lawn as a variety of zombies slowly advance on your position. You'll catch sunbeams as they fall from the sky (or plant your own sunflowers to generate more solar energy) which in turn are used to activate your stalwart arboretum. Need firepower? Plant some peashooters to spit deadly peas at the horde. Need some extra defence (or are of an Irish bent)? Plant some potato mines or Wall-nuts. Each new level unlocks new seed types, until you have a total of 48 different types at your disposal - which is more variation that David Attenborough could ever cover in a six part documentary. Some generate resource, some provide short or long range firepower, some counter particular zombie types and some are just there to earn you extra cash.

The environment changes every couple of levels; at first you're defending your front lawn, but later on you'll be defending your back garden (with its swimming pool) and even your rooftop. Day becomes night, which stops sunlight appearing so you're forced to generate your own.

As well as the considerable number of levels, there are a variety of puzzle modes (the best of which lets you play as the zombies) and endless challenge modes in which you'll take on a never ending stream of the undead attempting to find the perfect combination of defence and offence. And no Charlie Dimmock either, which can only be a bonus.

If there is a criticism, the game never becomes that difficult. On the plus side however, it looks gorgeous, is low-spec to play on the weakest of laptops and absolutely oozes with character, and it's infinitely classier and entertaining than you. And it's fun. And isn't that really what it's all about? And don't you like sentences that start with an "And"?

It's available for a relatively cheap download from the Pop Cap site, and it can even be found on the budget PC shelves (if you insist on getting a lovely box) for a pathetically cheap £5.99.

Drake Rattle and Roll

Do you remember in the early nineties with the dawn of the wonderful invention of the CD Rom when they told us that "interactive movies" were the future? And all we ended up with was excremental on-rails stuff like Night Trap, Mad Dog McCree and Rebel Assault? Well, Naughty Dog Studio have finally gone and done it and made the closest thing to a cinematic experience that I’ve ever played. And not a cinematic experience like Terminator: Salvation either - because that would be shit.I've spent many glorious hours over the last three days playing and beating the truly wonderful Uncharted 2: Among Thieves and can confirm that it’s utterly wonderful from start to finish. Apart from the odd irritating moment (which is more down to my impatient fat handed twat game-playing style than anything else) it’s easily one of the best games I’ve played all year – along with Arkham Asylum.

The first Uncharted 2 game was a pleasant enough tombraider-esque romp with excellent graphics and likeable and well rounded characters. Standing apart from similar games simply down a gorgeous graphical engine and excellent voice acting, it was hard to see how it could be bettered – but Naughty Dog have done exactly that.

The game itself is a globe-trotting romp in search of treasure – one of which is a potentially destructive artefact that the lead baddie shouldn’t get his hands on, naturally. The journey of the hero, tomb-raider and cocky smart arse Nathan Drake, will take him from deep jungles to long hidden tombs to icy mountain ranges - with the occasional high speed vehicle chase and gunfight on the top of a fast moving train thrown in for good measure.

The game is beautiful – as per Oblivion, you’ll spend much of the game simply standing looking at the scenery and the immense vistas you find yourself in. It’s easily the best looking game on any of the next generation consoles right now with utterly convincing environments.

Special mention must go to the quality storyline and stellar voice acting – the actors have been allowed to improvise many of their lines, and it really shows – the characters are believable, likeable, well rounded and the dialogue absolutely shines. I’m still smiling about some of the dialogue in the games closing sequence even now.

Of course, there are inevitable boss fights – but even all of these are excellently done. Even the final boss fight is satisfying, which is more than can be done for the let-down that was the finale of the otherwise excellent Bioshock and Arkham Asylum.

What you’ll take away from this brilliant experience is the little triumphant moments you find yourself in; the first time you perform a stealth kill on the train by pulling a guard over the edge to his death, the moment where you wrestle a chaingun from a soldier and use it on his colleagues.. all perfect little moments brilliantly realised.

I simply can’t rave about this game enough. If you own a PS3 please purchase this game – Games with a level of polish, sheen and love like this come along rarely – especially from big developers. You’ll enjoy it from start to finish, much of your journey accompanied by a huge beaming smile on your face.

Where are those pesky health packs when you need one?

Yesterday morning at 4 a.m. saw another panic attack; Again, stinging pains in my chest and the feeling that I couldn't breathe. The increasingly atrophied sensible part of my brain knew that I wasn't having a heart attack - the fact that it was beating nineteen to the dozen and that I was pacing around was evidence enough of that - this didn't stop the primal instinct part of my brain screaming "Fuck!Fuck!You'reDyingGetSomeHelp!Fuck!Fuck!" at me for two hours though.

NHS Direct were duly called by my ever-patient girlfriend and an ambulance was dispatched. As before, I was shipped off to hospital for a bout of ECG/Blood Pressure fun - along with two lots of blood letting; should have only been one - the first batch haematised on the way to the lab though.

With the pain in a more identifiable point on my body than last time - located most definitely in my sternum that was sensitive to the touch - a diagnosis was made, which both doctors agreed with - that I'm suffering from Costochondritis.

Although patients will often mistake the pain of Tietze's Syndrome for a myocardial infarction (heart attack), the syndrome does not progress to cause harm to any organs. It is important to rule out a heart attack, as the symptoms can be similar. After assessment, doctors often reassure patients that their symptoms are not associated with a heart attack, although they may need to treat the pain, which in some cases can be severe enough to cause significant but temporary disability to the patient.It can also be triggered off by coughing or sneezing.

So there you are; I'm not dying, but still in a considerable amount of pain - and don't feel entirely stupid in thinking I was having a heart attack. Knowing my luck I've ended up with Costcutterochondritis, a much cheaper homebrand variant.

I thought I was going to die today.

I've been feeling grotty since last Friday -a weird clutching feeling in my chest coupled with a lack of circulation in my left and right arms. The latter isn't so new; I've always had poor circulation - however, the former was worrying me. So much, in fact, that I packed up the fags and waited over the weekend to see if the feeling got any better.

This morning the same dull pain was there, but I went to work regardless - the intention being I'd go home if it got too bad and make my way to the NHS drop-in centre in Coventry.

At around eleven o'clock though it got really bad. So bad in fact, that I had to ask somebody to ring an ambulance for me. As I was asking for this, I staggered and nearly collapsed. Somebody sat me down and the ambulance turned up within minutes.

The paramedics lay me down and after asking the usual questions about my allergies to treatments (none), any ongoing medical problems (none) gave me some Aspirin and some spray under my tongue to thin my blood. She confirmed that my blood pressure was way too high and rang ahead to University Hospital in Coventry to get them to prepare for me as a precautionary measure. They injected me with something on the way to prevent anxiety - I was shaking so much as I was absolutely terrified; My breathing was short and my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest - I genuinely thought that every breath would be my last. I can't remember ever being as scared.

I was rushed into Cardio where they stuck me on an ECG and took some blood samples. Tara works at the hospital so came and met me shortly after touchdown. After speaking to a very pleasant cardio doctor called Steve, he verified that he didn't think I was having a heart attack but was concerned as to why I was feeling the clutching pain in my chest. They moved my trolley off to another room where a few doctors came in and asked me some questions (basically verifying what I already knew; that I smoke and drink too much) and took a proper full blood sample. A senior doctor said the worrying thing; That they didn't think it was heart related but needed to establish that it wasn't one of a myriad of horrible other things wrong with my liver, pancreas, kidneys, lungs, etc.

I was rushed into X-ray - a process that took mere seconds - and returned to my bed.

The next hour or so was horrible. I was dreading a doctor walking back in with an anxious expression, pulling the curtains across and telling me the worst. I've punished my small frame enough over the past 38 years for bad news not to be entirely unexpected.

But the news was good; Both blood test and X ray were clear - my organs appear to be functioning at full capacity without anu problems. I was discharged and just told to take painkillers for the chest pain and rest up for a few days; whatever it is should just pass, I've been told - and if it doesn't, I just need to see my GP. What felt like a heart attack was probably just a panic attack; I've never had one before, so have no idea what they should feel like.

So, now I'm back home - dosed up with Anadin and waiting for this chest pain to pass. I'm aware that this blog entry seems to be making a mountain out of a molehill ("individual wastes the time of the NHS thinking he's having a heart attack") but it's my bloody blog and I'll feel sorry for myself all I want. And I got to ride in an ambulance with the sirens blazing, albeit not in a way I'd really recommend to anybody.