Just because they put an arty black and white shot on the cover, don't fool yourself into thinking you're reading a book meant for adults

J.K. Pissing Rowling and Harry Bastard Potter.

Clearly upset that she's out of the eye of the media since the release of the final Harry Potter Novel, J.K. Rowling must be climbing up the walls in desperation at the lack of attention she's getting.

Last year, terrified that she would vanish into obscurity now her silly childrens books were finished, we had the "Dumbledore is gay" bullshit. I'm ashamed to say I read the first Harry Potter novel if only to see what all the fuss was about (The answer is "nothing" in case you're even vaguely tempted to put up with what I had to) and certainly at no point in that did I ever suspect Dumbledores true sexuality (unless my copy was missing the chapter in which he conjured up some Erasure albums and hid his copy of "Pride" inside the Wizardy Fucking Times or whatever).

From what I've gleaned from people I know who have read the books, it's all absolute nonsense. Just some crap made up to rekindle interest in the books.

J.K. Rowling has found herself back in the news today, having revealed in an interview that she has had "suicidal thoughts". Well done. Have a prozac-coated banana. This again strikes me as an attempt by the Rowling estate to remind us she's still alive, but even this doesn't annoy me as much as authors retconning their works.

Tomorrow in the news - George Orwell returns from the grave to point out that Winston Smith, hero of 1984, was in fact a military cyborg. "It was fucking obvious", claims Orwell, "All the signs were there. Are you STUPID?"